I can't do it.

[bloodylucan]

I've been clean since 20th december 2011. Until yesterday.
Yesterday, i got so sick and overwhelmed of everything that i slipped.
There wasn't any trigger that reminded me of my past, but i failed anyway.

After these 7months that i stayed clean, i couldn't take it anymore.
Before i knew it, i was harming myself again. It felt so good to be back in this dark corner my mine. For a moment, i felt smug, as if i've been missing something major in my life for the past 7months. I've never felt so calm, as if i was real all over again.

I jolly well knew what making the first cut all over again would do to me.
Once i relapse, the chances of me relapsing again just keep getting higher.

I don't know how i'm going to stay clean anymore.

Any advice on what to do? :l

[GlitterTrashDoll]

You need to remember that you CAN recover, you did great going 7 months! So don't be too hard on yourself for slipping up, recovery doesn't happen over night. It takes time and we all have slip ups. Just remember you ARE capable of stopping.

Why not think about the reasons why you stopped before and see if they help you this time?

[Tig]

Hi Angie,

I'm sorry to hear yesterday was so difficult for you. I can hear in your post how hopeless it has left you feeling in terms of recovery.

I think it's important as the above poster said, to try and remember that you can recover and that slip up's do happen as part of recovery. They are incredibly distressing but it doesn't mean that you can't recover.

You did amazingly well to get to 7 months - I'm wondering what helped you in those 7 months? Could you draw on those skills at this point in time to get you through the horrible thoughts about relapse you are having?

Slip up's happen but they don't have to mean you relapse. You can get back up again and start back on the road to recovery. Personally, I have found the sooner I get back to recovering the better because if I let a slip up continue for too long it is harder to break.

Thinking of you lovely. We are here for you anytime.

Take care,
Lottie x

[bloodylucan]

Thanks guys.
It was more of a 'hold on until you can't hold on anymore moment'.

Lately i've been busy with church and my friends, but i feel that they don't really care about me anymore, so i didn't even bother turning to them when i felt triggered. Also, part of me knows that they never will understand. They think that i'm just a weakling that can't get over myself and my past events.

Feeling kind of empty...
The second voice in my head is telling me that it doesn't really matter. After all, the scars are already there, and i wouldn't be able to wipe them no matter how hard i try. Why bother stopping?

But still fighting. If i get too tired, then i guess it's the end for me.