I can't stop and it keeps getting worse

[Shelter]

I used to SH only every several weeks or even months. Now it's every few days. And it isn't making me feel better anymore. I have to do more and more and more to myself and it still doesn't give me the same feeling it used to. Now it only makes me feel worse. I don't know what kind of advice or support or anything I'm looking for, I just don't want to continue being a drama queen to the only person in my life who knows I SH. I am all alone and hurting and trapped in an unfamiliar town for another hour or more still.

[PassedExpectations]

i remember being in the same situation, with harming escalating, and feeling really hopeless and scared and out of control...

especially since harming isn't helping anymore, you need to find something else that will help you express and experience your feelings or that will help solve troubling situations. that is usually easier if you can identify what feelings/situations/etc. tend to trigger urges. do you have any ideas about what your triggers might be?

[Shelter]

I think it's anger/frustration/inconvenience that triggers me, or a lack of control. Yesterday was probably the worst SI episode I've ever had, and it was after going nearly 24 hours with no sleep, trapped in a noisy room with nowhere else to go. Now that I've slept and am in a much more comfortable place, I'm feeling better.

I'm noticing that a little while before I actually SI, when I'm just starting to get upset, I will consciously think, "I'm probably going to SI later." I just haven't figured out how to turn my mental state around so that I don't end up doing it. And I'm worried that, now that my usual method isn't doing it for me anymore, I might change methods soon. It's like something I used to do to take control of my feelings has completely overpowered me and is now in control of me, and that's scary.

[Catharsis]

It sounds as though you're really struggling at the moment. However, it feels as though you have noticed things are getting rough, and you want to turn them around into more positive feelings. You mentioned that only one person in your life knows you self harm. Is there anyone else you'd feeling comfortable talking with (another friend, GP, college) to spread the range of support you can recieve?

Something that i find really helpful when trying to distract myself is listening to the emotions im feeling, and then tailoring my distraction technique to that. Say it was anger, i'd do something to release that anger like ripping up paper or punching a pillow. Perhaps you could look at the BIG Distraction Page to see if anything seems helpful.

Please be sure you seek appropriate medical attention for any wounds if that is required.

Take care.

[Celticroots]

I don't have anything to add, except that I can relate. I hit myself to get bruises rather than cut (used to cut, long story.) I am just writing to tell you that I can empathize with how out of control you feel when SI escalates.

I hope you feel better soon. Take care.

[Shelter]

@Catharsis: I finally told my therapist in my last session that I have been SHing, which was kind of embarrassing but kind of a relief. I think I am working up to telling another friend that I do it. I'm really trying to open up to people again.

@Celticroots: Thank you so much for sharing, because I do it that way too and was afraid nobody else did. It does seem to spiral out of control really easily once it starts.

Thank you all for the comfort and encouragement. I am feeling a lot better now and will do my best to stay positive and un-hurty. <3