I had my psychotherapy assessment last week and I absolutely hated it.
My psychiatrist referred me as she thinks I need long term therapy to help me sort out my general emotional issues and explore why I get depressed etc.
I didn't like the therapist, I found her to be patronising and it made me feel worse talking about events in my life I want to put behind me. She kept asking questions about aspects of me that I don't want to dwell on any more.
I thought I needed psychotherapy, but after the session I'm left wondering if it's just going to drag me back down again. I came away feeling really triggered and upset and dealt with it by spending a large amount of money.
I'm supposed to have another session next month but I don't know if I should go back. I can't remember feeling this upset after meeting with other therapists.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Maybe psychotherapy could support you in having a safer internal 'container' for the things you want/need to put behind you. They clearly are still eating away at something inside you, as I see it, if when confronted with them you do some intense retail 'therapy' [which just covers things over again].
The thing about therapy also, is, as I'm sure you know, that it's purpose isn't to be enjoyable. Though obviously it's helpful to have a sense of 'fit' between client and therapist. The person who does the assessment, I've heard, doesn't always do the therapy. What's the case for you?
I know you're right- when faced with those issues I reacted in a negative way because I felt triggered. So obviously I haven't dealt with them or learnt how to cope in a healthy way.
I know it's not supposed to be enjoyable, but I really don't know if I can tolerate feeling that upset on a regular basis. I'll be back at university in october and that provides me with a huge amount of emotional stress, so much so I ended up in hospital again this year, and I'm worried that both combined will make things worse again.
Plus I've just started a new relationship and I feel pressured to get it right (pressured by myself, not him) and I don't want to **** it up. I feel like the psychotherapy might cause me to overanalyse our relationship and I'll start nitpicking it (I'm already worrying so much already).
I'm just a big, raw ball of stress today.
The person who did the assessment may or may not be my actual therapist.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I understand where you are coming from. When I had my assessment for psychotherapy, I came out of it feeling like **** and didn't want to go back. I told my GP and my psych that I wasn't going to go back but they persuaded me to go back. So I've now been seeing my therapist for nearly a year now and it has got better, some sessions I come out of them feeling **** and awful, where as others I don't feel so bad. Also I've been told that with psychotherapy things tend to get worse first before they start getting better.
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
Do you have anyone around who you trust who you could talk all this through with?
I hear how you understand clearly that somehow these issues need facing, but maybe in a gentle and gradual way so as to minimise the stress on you, when you're already feeling very raw.
A good therapist would help you feel safer in your skin as you face the difficult stuff, and often that sense of safety comes as you develop trust in the relationship. The question is, could there be a foundation for that with this? Are there alternatives?
I've mentioned it to my mum, she thinks I should go back for my next appointment.
I feel a bit uneasy that it's a Freudian approach- I'm a psychology student and I don't hold much faith for Freud.
Also, the therapist seemed to be undermining my Bipolar diagnosis and suggesting she would 'look into it' more to see if I really have it or not. She called me an 'adolescent' in emotional age because according to her, your mind does not fully develop until you are 25. I felt fragile and as if she was calling me a baby. When I got my diagnosis of Bipolar I finally felt listened to and understood and I don't want her to question that.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Modern depth psychotherapy isn't all Freud, really and truly.
Diagnoses aren't, uh, what's the word, fixed in stone, remember it's just a bunch of symptoms folk lumped together because they tended to go that way in a number of people.
What is it that made you feel listened to and understood about the diagnosis? It sounds like you fear something more being taken away other than a diagnosis?
Well, I liked the fact it replaced the borderline PD diagnosis, although my psychiatrist has said I do still have traits of that.
The diagnosis feels like it fits more than any other I've been given. It gives me something to work with, to move on from, to treat. If it gets taken away then there's no name to what's going on inside my head and that scares me.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Why not see things in context of swings between lowness and defences against that rather than the specific label?
I understand you're more science rather than art of psychology orientated. But it does seem that the name/label helps you feel a bit safer, and there's a deep anxiety beneath re 'who am I really if you take all the labels away?' I understand that, and also know that psychotherapy can really help, in time, to build a sense of self rooted in something more.
I guess... well, I'm coming from a place where there are many things that go on inside my head and heart haven't been formally labelled clinically/medically and so I've needed to formulate my own 'definitions', and needed to move on from the label boxes to find that. Just to explain where I'm coming from and the biases there. It can still be helpful though, so that's why I'm sharing it. :)
I think it's also that, from experience, other people want to know specifically what's wrong in order to understand. If I can say "oh, I've got bipolar" then they know what that is and they can react to that, rather than me saying "well, I experience emotional instability".
I do feel safer with labels I suppose.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Just to add something to the mix my assessment for psychotherapy was very different from the therapy itself - I didn't even see the same therapist. The assessment was 3 long sessions about a month apart before they decided psychotherapy was right for me.
I find people changing or questioning my diagnosis makes me feel very vulnerable and insecure and definitely relate to feeling safer with labels - I know they aren't everything but I look at them as a framework through which to understand my issues.
I had a couple of sessions of psychotherapy before she went off on long term sick and I didn't like it either. I see a clinical psychologist instead and although at times I get cross with my sessions, I think he is better as he uses a wide range of therapies and adapts them. He isn't into labels either, which I like. I've got to the point where I don't want to talk about my past/feelings etc and so he has changed the work we do to looking at just working on the 5 areas that bother me the most in a practical way.
Maybe you could set yourself a target of 10 sessions before you make a decision. Also at the next one ask her to set out an action plan on what you should do when you are triggered etc.
