Contains Suicide - I don't know how to do this.

[StarBright]

Hello,

I hope I'm putting this in the right section. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to put this in the introduction thread, so I apologize if this isn't the place.

I don't know how to say what I'm feeling right now and I think my story would go on for pages and pages just to get everything out. I'm going to try to say a few things and hopefully someone will want to read it.

I feel like my life is an overwhelming mess and it's never going to get better. I haven't self harmed in years, but the last time I did I slashed into my left wrist and severed my flexor tendons. The ER visit was so humiliating and the doctors were so rude that I think if I was going to do it again I might as well go all the way and make sure it's done right. I don't want to be thinking these things.

I guess I should say what my trigger was? I just turned 26 on Sunday. On that day, after nine years of being mostly together, my boyfriend broke up with me and he gave me that line a lot of you are probably familiar with, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore." He was the only thing I clung to. The one thing that I kept fighting for because even if our relationship was a horrific mess, I thought it was a mess worth having because I love him and the rest of my life has always seemed like a constant attack on me.

I have no friends. I feel like a burden to my family and I can't talk to them. I don't know what to do. I hate telling people my problems because I feel like a big whiner, but I'm afraid if I don't tell somebody something that I'm going to hurt myself so badly that I won't make it this time.

[ontheverge]

Hi there. I'm so sorry about your relationship :( I guess I don't have much advice but I wanted to let you know I was here if you need to talk. I went through a somewhat similar situation...well really felt the same feelings I'd say. My partner and I broke up after 6 years together. She was my first and I felt so completely lost. I too had no friends and felt like a burden to my family. It does get better (god I know that sounds so crappy when you are right in the thick of it). Anyways, I tried to throw myself in a lot of activities...which was difficult because I have a ton of social anxieties...but I slowly met some people. It's hard at this point, but it gets easier to move on. And then you realize there really is so much more to life. I felt, in the relationship, I had blinders on...once I moved pass the unbearable pain of it all....it was just okay. Please take care of yourself. And don't hesitate to reach out and ask for help wherever you can. Feel free to PM.

[StarBright]

Thanks so much for replying and for your kind words. I'm sorry those things happened to you, but it's good to see that people can get past things.

I guess it's such a huge weight of pain on top of a whole life full of other horrible and traumatic things and a mountain of problems that I just don't know how to get by anymore. I feel like I can't take another day, let alone 26 more years of fighting for something if it's never going to come. I don't feel like I want anything else. I don't even know if I can get help or what to start with. That's why I found my way here and am thankful you replied.

If you feel like it and happen to see this thread, could you give me some suggestions?

[StarBright]

I keep trying to find someone to talk to, but I'm really bad at it. Maybe there's no help. :(

[Shelter]

You can get past things too! I was in the same boat--on my birthday and everything!--and I did not think I would ever get over it, but it's been a while now and I feel ready to move on. I'm sure you'll get to that point too, even if things totally suck right now and don't feel like they'll ever get better. Try to think of even just one little thing that you enjoy and focus on that for now. Do you have any favourite activities? Is there anything you've ever wanted to try?

[StarBright]

That happened to you on your birthday also? I'm so sorry. That's a birthday anti gift that just shouldn't be given. It is encouraging that you're in a better place now. It really helps me when people share their experiences with me and tell me that they pulled through it like you guys have. It gives me some hope and I am in need of that.

As for any activities or anything I wanted to try, I'm honestly stumped at the moment. I'm having a hard time with my thoughts. It's like they're whipping around my head and I can't grab on. I will try harder and see where it gets me.

Thanks so much for your reply.