As the word "possible" in the title might suggest, I am unsure as to the signifigance of what I am experiencing, and am struggling to decide whether it is a true relapse, or some kind of reactive depression following a recent, unpleasant event. Either way, my head is full of conflict about what's going on, and what I should do about it. I haven't spoken to anybody about this, because I just don't want to bring it up.
I'm managing to keep my head above water so to speak, but there are some familiar signs and symptoms that are beginning to indicate to me that things could possibly be deteriorating. Thoughts of SH & suicide, disturbed sleep, poor levels of energy & motivation, concentration and thought processes are somewhat impaired, I am wanting to withdraw socially, and very often would love to just curl up in bed for the day and only move to use the toilet or stuff my face full of junk food.
I know that giving in to the above will not do me any good, so I am taking steps to try and counteract these feelings, i.e getting enough exercise, sticking to a routine, eating well instead of scoffing junk food (which in all honesty I dislike, but I just struggle to muster up the motivation to purchase fresh produce and cook myself a decent meal), and making myself go out with friends, even if I don't really feel like it.
Often, going out and doing something does help. Yesterday for instance, I walked up a small mountain with my dog, sat by a beautiful waterfall and peered down at the apparently miniscule villages below. I felt extremely grateful to live in such a stunning part of the UK, and, at the time, I did feel good. But then I got home, had a shower, made some dinner, sat down, and started to feel that horrible, dull, depressive ache again. It feels as though its always present. My body and mind feel bogged down and heavy, and whereas it really is quite positive that I can distract myself, thats all that it is; a distraction from a seemingly perpetual entity. I just don't really know what to do now. I really am trying, but it just seems as though my efforts only help me to achieve temporary relief - which granted is way better than no relief, but frustrating nonetheless.
I've got a routine review with my GP coming up this thursday, and to be honest, I really don't want to go - firstly because I physically don't want to have to talk about any of this, and secondly as I am not too sure what she can realistically do for me anyway. I am reluctant (although not totally opposed) to restart medication, I will almost point blank refuse to be re-referred to my local MH services as they are pathetically incompetent (my GP is of a similar opinion at present), and although I have tried counselling etc, it just really isn't my cup of tea. I had a CBT assessment during say, September of last year, and the lady told me that I was not particularly eligible for it as I already possess many of the skills. I just don't know how many more resources that my (long suffering!) GP can pull out of her hat by now! I guess it won't do any harm to jog along and see her though. If nothing comes of it then so be it, but she might be able to sugget something, or offer me some kind of reassurance.
Sorry; this is incredibly long, and probably doesn't make much sense. Its just that I've been doing really well, and the thought of slowly slipping backwards is quite unsettling. I don't really know what I expect anyone to be able say or suggest to be honest. I think that I just need to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading, assuming that you got this far!
I would actually tell someone, as the longer you leave it the worst it will become. You dont want to be feeling worst then your already are.
Well done for talking the steps that your taking. I was always told in camhs if I was feeling low then I had to get out of the house, even if it is just a walk around the block, get out and it would always make me feel better.
I agree with you, your not going to lose anything really, by seeing your GP you might aswell go and see what she has to say.
I agree with Lauren. Your GP may not have many more "tricks up her sleeve" but simply talking through it with a professional who knows your history may help you to feel better about it and get a good perspective on what is actually happening for you.
Definatly go and talk your doctor, it always helped me through my problems, even though I didn't feel like going.
You say that you felt good on your hill walking, when you get home from the next one, try and think about the the walk you had and maybe take a camera with you the next time so that you can look back on those beautiful views.
I love to walk in the mountains around South Wales, I just love to escape and find some peace and quiet.
Yeah, it does make sense to go and see my GP, even though I am dreading having this conversation with her. I just don't want to say the words "I'm not doing so good", especially as for the past, well, year I guess, I have been doing really well. Oh well, maybe it will help to get it out in the open that I am struggling, and perhaps she can help me work out whether it is some kind of reactive depression that will pass with time, or if it's a true relapse that needs to be addressed a little more aggressively.
Maybe I'm just fretting over nothing, but I just can't help but feel that something isn't right. I'm beginning to struggle to do some things that I know will help, and even when I manage to make myself do something, I only seem to gain temporary relief from it all. "It" is always lurking.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Neversayshouldhave
I love to walk in the mountains around South Wales, I just love to escape and find some peace and quiet.
You just can't beat getting away from it for a few hours can you, it's the best form of therapy that I've ever tried, and there's no waiting lists!
Saw GP this morning, she agrees that its possibly more of a reactive 'thing' at the moment, and that it's pretty normal for me to be feeling like crap. We're both in agreement that restarting meds wouldn't be particularly appropriate at present. Got an another appointment with her towards the end of September, just going to have to wait and see how things go during that time. Hopefully it's just normal grief rather that the return of the D word - although it's beginning to feel as though this is the case.
Hopefully this will just prove to be a passing phase, but I'm struggling a little more each day, and feel as though I'm alone in this battle. I am trying to not let this happen, I don't want to let this happen, but it sort of is happening regardless. It's slowly crushing me, and constricting the life out of me. I can put on a smile and get through my day, but I am generally quite useless. I didn't even take my dog for a walk this morning, and only surfaced from my pit around 20 minutes before I needed to get off to work. I feel so guilty for letting him down, because he never lets me down. Maybe I'm just worrying over nothing, and just need to try harder, put in some more effort. But that's quite difficult when all I want to do is curl up in bed and hide away from the world.
Sorry, ranting away, just felt like getting things off my chest.
