Relapse, Mother Issues, and Happy Birthday to me *possible SI trigger*

Halavey · 12-07-2012, 04:07 AM

Sorry, there isn't going to be anything coherent about this. I just need to get some stuff out :( And I don't really post on RYL all that much, but I do lurk off and on.

Today is the second time I have relapsed since trying to quit SI 10 months ago. I feel absolutely horrible, not about the cuts, but about everything. I think my depression has come back full force. It hasn't been this strong since I don't even remember when. I went out with some friends a week ago and hated it. I just wanted to go home. When I am at home all I want to do is stay locked in my room (I'm staying at my parents for the summer while uni is out). I don't respond to text messages, don't check my facebook, nothing.

I was (am) supposed to go to my father's house tomorrow night and stay for a few days but I have yet to tell my mother. She is always in a bad mood lately and I just don't want to get into it with her. But now she is mad because I let slip that I might go and her judgmental, condescending tone made me want to crawl into the bathroom and SI. I just don't want to deal with it.

Tomorrow is my birthday, I am turning 19, but she makes me feel like I'm five.
Lately I have even started to have thoughts of suicide. I have never thought this before. Before it was, "I want to die." Now it's "I don't want to be on this Earth so much that I'll kill myself if I have to." I should be afraid of these thoughts, but I'm not.

I think that my depression comes around when I am trapped. When I was at college I felt great. I could stay out, make last minute plans, stay in, go hide all day, it didn't matter. But this dance I have to do while I'm at home, it's tiring. Being suppressed, bending over backwards, it's killing me. And that really really sucks because I love my mother and she is amazing, but I know she is a big factor in my depression. She always has been.

A month ago she found out about my SI, I told her I quit over a year and a half ago and hadn't SI'd since (a lie) and she made me promise to tell her if I wanted to SH again. But how am I supposed to tell her that she a big reason why. I can't do this to her. And then there is guilt because I know there are shitty mothers how abandon their kids or beat them and they have real reasons to complain about their mothers.

I just don't even know.

I still want to crawl into the bathroom and hurt myself. I'm only refraining because it's summer and this heat is ridiculous.

Yea, like I said, no real point. Just losing myself.

Crysainta · 16-07-2012, 03:19 AM

I wouldn't go about it by telling your mother that she's of the reasons why you harm yourself, but you might talk to her about how you feeling about how she treats you. Don't put it in the context of, "this is why I cut myself" because that's not fair. If you get to a point of feeling that you may seriously harm yourself. you should let her or someone you know and get yourself to a hospital. I saw you had no replies here and thought you should know people do care. I hope you are feeling better.

pea soup · 16-07-2012, 06:40 PM

Hi there,

I was just wondering if you take anything for depression? And for anxiety also? My anxiety meds help me alot with SI. I'm 35 and have been harming since I was 11. I know it's hard. please try not to beat your self up over it. And just try to get through the summer and know that you will be back at UNI soon and things will be better. Also, maybe you could talk to a therapist about the best way to handle this situation. I wish I had more to offer.

Much love.
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