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honest
I'm not asking for your permission.
I don't need your blessing.
I just want you to be honest with yourself.
If you'd been born to him, born to endure a childhood of shame, fear, abandonment, pain....
If you'd survived it all to face a young life of virtual prostitution, sexual abuse, rape, neglect, control, alcohol and weed and escapism in your head....
If you'd spent the time I did on hospital psych wards and in-patient psychiatric centres, drugged to the eye balls with medication that did nothing but slow your thoughts, prevent blood clotting when you cut yourself and give you seizures...
If you'd run away from a life in assisted living at age 18, to marry someone who would then be diagnosed with Aspergers, ADHD and diabetes, someone who at 27 never had any intimacy and never wanted any, someone who detested to be touched, someone who made you feel even more alone than you already were, someone you married anyway....
If you'd had his child, a bright-eyed little boy, who you could never really know, because his father's genetics caused him to have autism... his mother's caused him to have epilepsy..... you are now 19 years old...
If you spent the next decade dedicated to a family that did not want or know or need you, fighting education, government officials and medical staff who could not pronounce your child's illness, spending days drugging your son whilst changing your baby daughter, who also does not seem to recognise you, the nights are for your son to pace, to wet the bed, to have night seizures, to break bones...
If your daughter had autism, too....
If you ran to safety into the arms of the devil himself...
If you buried all of this and kept going, only to have it all thrown back in your face when your Mom gets sick.... real sick.... she's dying...
If the devil you loved had loved you too, but it was never going to be enough...
If the woman you wanted in your life was too damaged to break down your walls, and you were too damaged to break down hers....
If you were spending your days fighting off the blades, pills, drugs, sex and terror....
If your evenings were for N/A meetings and skype chats about all the things you can never change...
If your nights were lying awake wondering where you went wrong, what you should have done differently, how you allowed this to happen... if it was ever even your choice....
Be honest with yourself.
If you were me, you'd kill yourself too.
Then again, maybe anyone would, if they got stuck focussing on only the negative things in their lives.
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