embarrassing meltdown - how to face colleagues again?
I had a bit of a meltdown at the end of a staff meeting this afternoon. I was already feeling vulnerable, and a senior manager was being very 'driven' in her attitude, and also what felt punitive. Red flags for me, and I ended up sort of crying at the end. The managers kept me behind at the end and sort of calmed me down. And a colleague afterwards, who wasn't there, totally understood, when I told him.
But I feel scared and ashamed to approach my colleagues again, even ones I work with tomorrow at a different location.
The senior manager was talking about my doing more stuff off the public face, office based. Which I know means she's figured that I'm sort of fragile at the moment. I know I am, but I pride myself on at least being able to hold it together when it's really important. And this afternoon I failed in that, I couldn't hide my distress.
I just want, I don't know, some understanding, some advice on how to feel less awkward around my colleagues from now on. I know my manager could see what was happening for me, I just saw that knowing expression on his face. But I just feel so ashamed and embarrassed.
Thank you.
It did feel a bit bigger than that.
I 'should' have held it all in. But the fact I felt I couldn't cope just sort of exploded out. Verbally and in how I looked, behaved, etc.
I just wanted to let you know I understand. I really do. I had embarrassing melt downs in 2 previous jobs (1 was years ago and I still have issues about my time there). The work places this happened in were awful so it won't be helpful for you to hear about it, but it sounds as though you have colleagues who understand and care, which is always helpful, and managers who WANT to help, make things easier for you when needed. I hope I'm right about this and not jumping to conclusions.
If people look at you it may be because they don't understand. People who have never had any mental health problems can find it hard to imagine or understand. It may also be because they are concerned. That's not a bad thing. Keep your managers updated and take up their offer of help if you feel it's needed.
In terms of not trying to feel awkward, go to work like normal, talk to colleagues, maybe confide in someone you trust, because we all eventually have problems of some kind and you have NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
I hope you can do something kind to yourself to take your mind of it tonight so you can get a good nights sleep. I recommend a lovely bubble bath and then a good film or tv program.
Here if you want to talk. xx
Yes, I have amazing colleagues and my manager's great too - he really does seem to see and understand. As is the senior manager, just it really pushed my buttons today big time. I feel/felt that I am not pushing myself enough, I should know more, that things were my fault even though something had genuinely been something we'd not formally been told. We all need praise, and there was none of it.
If I was feeling stronger it wouldn't have tipped me over so much, and, ugh.
Yeh, I know what you mean. When feeling more delicate it's hard to see things without resorting to self blame, but really, you have done nothing wrong. I'm so glad you have good work colleagues. That's always helpful. xx
If you saw one of your colleagues cry would you feel anything but sympathy and understanding? What would you say if they felt embarassed for being human?
I feel sick and I can't get off to sleep. I feel too exposed like I've been naked in public. I was angry and vulnerable in a kind of semi maniupulative please stop overwhelming me kind of way and that isn't ok. I am just not cut out for having lots of demands placed on me when I am vulnerable. God, it's a mess.
*sits with*
no advice, but i'm listening and hear you.
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
Thank you.
This morning I feel utterly exhausted and low, really low. I just want to go back to bed and go to sleep, but I have to go to work. I just want to hide away.
It took me a long time to get to sleep last night. I barely managed to make it through the day at work, what with this and the minor head injury pain I also have right now.
I feel that yesterday [and at other, similar times in my life] I betrayed myself. I also betray others when I misinterpret/misrepresent them, or rather my unwell, programmed-by-the-past self does. And usually it makes people think less of me. I become less capable, more fragile, more likely to be dismissed and rejected, in their eyes. Because I've made myself out to be that way. When I get overwhelmed. But my condition fluctuates. I'm not always how I am when I'm most vulnerable and on edge. And the shame, because I am 'greedy' for praise and reassurance of my worth. I panic and fall apart when I feel there is no goodness left in me, that I, and the other, has destroyed it in me through criticism and focusing on what's 'wrong' rather than what I do that's good and worthy and valuable. I try so hard, and yet it never seems to be hard enough.
I've had meltdowns in front of nearly everyone, teachers, co-workers, bosses, friends, strangers... I know it's embarrassing. But it's not the end of the world. People are not going to judge you badly for this, love.
You are enough sweetheart, you have nothing to be ashamed of. There is a ton of good in you, I see it in every post, every reply, you make here. You are a wonderful, good, loving person, who has been through hell and is working so hard to get better. I admire you so much, and I hate to think you don't realise how great you really are.
Take care of yourself honey - you deserve it. *hugs* PM me anytime.
Katie x
Ask me mistakes I have made
Ask me whether what I have done is my life
Others have come, in their slow way -
And some have come to help, or to hurt -
Ask me what difference
Their strongest love or hate has made.
Thank you so so so much. :)
I'm close to tears reading your words - but in an healing kind of way.
A problem is the 2 times I've actually seen this senior manager since she took over my area of the borough have been times when I've had meltdowns, as it were, due to her criticism of me directly or indirectly. She does have a reputation for upsetting people, sadly. So I need to keep reminding myself it's not just me. But there is pain in 'melting down' with hurt and rage at not having goodness in me acknowledged by her, and then the weirdness of the 'switch' in her when she is kind to me... after the event. It has too many old echoes and sorrows in it for me.
i've had meltdowns at my jobs as well. the last one was today. i ended up crying :/ it was very embarressing. sorry i don't have any useful advice or anything.. i just wanted to say i understand.
It's hard, isn't it?
Especially when it's with the same person each time. Grrr. I should have been one of the 2 who stayed downstairs serving customers, I really should have asked. Just, she usually makes meetings days I can't, so I shouldn't really have opted out. I just, don't know how to address things with her, as it were, when I do see her again. Because I'm really not *like that* all the time.
*hugs* it's difficult to have to be around people who can be triggers for emotional issues. I've been like that lately with an ex, and it's hard. Is there any way you could talk to her about her manner with you, or would that just become a fight? Could you maybe email her? Or get some more sympathetic colleagues to be there when you talk to her?
*hugs* I only wrote the truth. You are one of the bravest people I've known, to still be fighting for recovery and health after everything. Keep fighting sweetheart, I know you can do this, and I'm here to help however I can.
Katie x
Ask me mistakes I have made
Ask me whether what I have done is my life
Others have come, in their slow way -
And some have come to help, or to hurt -
Ask me what difference
Their strongest love or hate has made.
Thank you. :)
I'm not sure. She's a nice enough lady, just sort of rides over people's emotions and then backtracks - in my experience.
I feel awkward about the whole thing. Though it's safe to talk about it in therapy, which I have been and am.
It's really nice that you see me as brave. I do try to be, but not everyone sees me that way.
