Adult - How do people know?

[ratboy75]

Did I miss the class at school? How do people know how to act in social situations? Everyone else seems to know when a hug or kiss is appropriate or not - worse, I seem to be excluded whatever the standard is - e.g. of a group of 6 or 7 people, I was the only one who didn't get hugged. Is this to do with the anxiety / panic / difference I feel, or is it some other quality that stops people from interacting with me in the normal manner? It's especially galling to watch, knowing that hugs are about as good as it gets for me, usually really helps to calm me or help me relax. There's some kind of ironic duality there.

Thoughts please?

[whirlpools]

I feel unsure about how to act socially too. I'm quite a 'shy' person - always have been! I've been reading a good book recently, called 'Always In the Kitchen at Parties'. It's very enlightening, if you experience social anxiety. A fun read, too. I'd recommend it - it's got lots of good, gently challenging tips and a lot of 'easy to digest' information about how shy people can feel - and the ways 'sure' people can sometimes relate to them.

Did the other people in the group know you as well as they knew each-other? If not, that might be a reason that they didn't hug you. Alternatively, they may have sensed an slight discomfort in you and didn't want to freak you out?

[ratboy75]

I'm both shy and outgoing, depending on the situation. That sounds useful, will look that book up, thanks.

Yes, all but 1 work together, but yes seeing this "leaving ritual" does make me feel uncomfortable and I then make myself inaccessable - go distant, avert eyes, cross my arms... I know it's not helpful but getting defensive is the only way I know of deflecting some of the... bad feeling I get from these situations. :(

The flip side is all of them know I'm a bit... different? Perhaps that's not enough for them to give me some slack? :s

[lifesloser]

In such social situation find that I automatically drift towards the outside of the group, and in the melee of introductions and avoid anyones attention... I more than often find the intensity of these situations to much.....

and as you put it (the leaving ritual) feel really awkward for me as well........ I often wait for everyone to turn their back and slip away un-noticed because I cant seem find the right words or find a right way to put them (in my mind what I want to say seems flat, awkward and stupid or is going to be rejected in someway)....

I suppose that there is a "duality" in the way I act in these situations as well... wanting human contact and affirmation as well as being terrified sometimes of such close contact....