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Just need so advice and a little support
Hello everyone, I was going so well with finding ways to resist urges and avoid creating them, I was doing so well in fact I was 'free' for 44 days. And just as I was starting to belive I was strong again, things started going bad, I started feeling like I couldn't get anything right and that I always failed.
I believe I have a form of ED (even though I have never actually been diagnosed) this month I have had so much chocolate, cake and lollies (I normally do everything to avoid all fatty foods, I'm vegetarian for many reason: I hate meat and because it's healthy and because I don't eat alot) due to my 16th birthday and two friends having birthday parties, I feel so fat and digusting after eating all that fatty stuff, I hate that I couldn't resist eating all that crappy food, I normally find it easy, but partically tonight at a party which I regret going to because nobody even noticed me.. I couldn't resist the Cherry Ripe chocolates, and the marshmellows.... all because the birthday girl had forgotten to tell her Dad I'm vegetarian I had no other food to eat.. I don't like pizza and there was nothing else to eat.. but I still feel disgusting for eating the chocolate and I'm trying not to blame her.. but I did let her know everyday threes days prior to the party.. yet still there was nothing for me to eat.. I'm just a little annoyed that she invited me had food for everyone else but me.. she knows I hate it when I eat chocolate (and other fatty foods, she is aware of my eating habits)... and that I only like dark choclate.
It just makes me want to give in all over again (to the urges), but I already stuffed that up, I gave in just yesterday to my almost 7 weeks free.
I breed rats (I don't care what some of you might think, rats are amazing and I love them) and we had a litter of babies and I had a favourite girl which I had planned to keep, and then she died at about 2weeks old, then her brother (who happened to be one of my favourite boys) had a problem and he was suffering badly so we had to put him to sleep, and now we can't even keep any of the babies cause they might have a genetic issue.. not only that but their mother is sick and has an ear infection which is so bad that she may have developed a brain tumor, she in now on medication. but because she is so sick, she is constinatly scared and when I pick her up to give her her medication it's a battle to keep her calm and still to give it to her, she freaks out, and due to her lack of balance with the ear infection I try not to drop her as she runs in circles in my arms and flips over (like a seal does in water) it's really painful for me to see her like this, I hate that I couldn't help her sooner (due to her feeding her babies) I wish I had been able to prevent it getting so bad. If she doesn't improve in the next ten days I'll have to start considering if I should put her down (which I would do if she is suffering badly) but I don't want her to leave, and I can't think about not having her with me, I want the best life for her. I just hope she will get better, but she seems to be getting worse and due to her massive fears at the moment she has bitten me four times.. I hate being able to tell people "rats don't bite, they are amazing and like little puppies" which is true, I know she has every reason to bite, but I'm so scared of her every time I need to give her medicine, because it really hurts when she bites, she is so scared she latches on and her teeth sink in, I try not to pull away because last time I did she landed on the floor which is what (I think) caused her infection to gradually get worse.. I am finding it so hard to cope with it all..
I'm so sorry this is a massive post, I just have some much little things in the one problem that I needed to get off my chest, no-one seems to fully understand just how much all my rat's mean to me.
Just one little thing I hate that I gave in to my fears and over thinking and my constant urges yesterday, after finding a little sharp tool to use, I just lost it and cut again, I'm so glad it was just a single cut. I am proud I didn't continue. but still I gave in. and I'm trying so hard not to hate myself for it..
Thank you for reading all of this. It means a lot to me.
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