Not enough (possible trigger)

RootsbeforeBranches · 29-06-2012, 01:46 AM

I don't feel like I'm enough.

I work with kids ranging in age from 4 years old to 19 years old. The younger are my half day camp kids and the elder are my production kids who will put on an entire show in two weeks.

When I look at the little kids I see them looking back at me with this look of awe and admiration and I don't feel like I deserve it. Everyone says I'm amazing with kids and I love them dearly but I feel like if they knew how I feel constantly and what I do to cope they would never want to be around me again. I wonder how they can look up to me when I hate myself with such a passion.

The older kids become my siblings and my friends. The youngest this year is 14 and the eldest is 19. I am so over-protective of them that I guess you can say that my mama bear side comes out even though I'm only a few years older than some of them. I am there to listen to them, to cheer them up when something goes wrong but most of all I want to protect them. I see and hear what they go through and it hurts my heart because it mirrors my own life in so many ways. I feel like I am not good enough to be that person in their life.

I have always struggled with not feeling like I was enough for anyone but in reality I think I am just not enough for myself. I constantly expect perfection and end up pushing myself into exhaustion, illness and darkness. I try to take on everyone else's problems but forget my own because in my mind I'm not important. I get overwhelmed and I want my blade even though I know that will only fix the feeling temporarily. I'm just sick of not being enough.

sapphire hearts · 29-06-2012, 02:07 PM

You are enough honey. The only person who doesn't think so is you. And these kind of negative, self-punishing thoughts and ideas aren't helping. *hugs* I know what it's like to not feel enough for people, but trust me, the kids you're working with? They think you're amazing. If they knew you hated yourself, they wouldn't stop thinking that, they'd just think you were silly, because they know how wonderful you are.

Nobody's perfect sweetheart. I understand the perfectionist tendencies, honestly I do, but in reality I think these tendencies are just another way of punishing ourselves, because you know you can't live up to the standards you set for yourself, but trying to force yourself to gives you more reasons to hate and want to punish or hurt yourself. If that makes sense?

*hugs* Take care of yourself. PM me if you ever want to talk.

Katie x

RootsbeforeBranches · 30-06-2012, 12:58 AM

Thanks Katie -

I have always been a perfectionist - as long as I can remember. I always feel like I have something to prove and then I feel like no one appreciates me anyways so why am I bothering.

I love the kids I work with - they brighten my day like no other and drive me absolutely insane at the same time -it's so hard to believe that I am 19 years older than some of them! I just wish I didn't feel so fake when I am around them - like I'm hiding so much.

sapphire hearts · 30-06-2012, 03:24 PM

You're not fake honey - you're putting your mental health problems to the back so they don't interfere with a job you obviously love. I understand the perfectionist thing, but that trait, if allowed to run rampant over everything, is not healthy.

*hugs* take care sweetie.

katie x

RootsbeforeBranches · 01-07-2012, 04:41 AM

I wish they appreciated me. I just feel useless and worthless tonight and I just want to cut to make myself numb to everything. Trying not to do it but I wish I felt some sort of self worth

ratboy75 · 03-07-2012, 09:17 PM

Katie's right, you're clearly awesome with all those kids and they'll think you're the best thing ever! :) I know it's frustrating when you're not appreciated for all the fantastic stuff you do, but that didn't mean it's any less fantastic - you know you're doing great stuff and we do too, remember that.

*Hugs*

RootsbeforeBranches · 04-07-2012, 03:23 AM

Thanks RB - Ps you live in one of my favourite places ever

RootsbeforeBranches · 05-07-2012, 03:12 AM

I have been on a semi vacation since Sunday and it basically has been one goodbye after another and it has taken its toll on me. I am currently with my grandparents and I want to slice up my arms more now than I have in a little while.

It’s like I'm sliding down another black hole.