Things getting on top of me.

-Stewie- · 22-06-2012, 11:09 PM

I feel like cutting for the first time in almost 6 months. Just needed to get that out there.

I am stuck in no man's land at the moment. I have a conditional offer to do a PGCE course, but this depends on their ability to find me a placement. It's a few weeks away from the end of the academic year, so I'm starting to get a bit pessimistic about whether or not they'll find me one.

Even if all goes well, I'm stuck in this situation until September. I have a plan B for if it goes tits up, but this wouldn't start until next July, so I'd be stuck in this situation for a whole year.

All I have at the moment are my family. I am grateful for having at least that, I really am, but they're getting me really down right now. My parents have the sort of relationship where one being happy means the other being miserable. I'm always stuck in the middle, they always moan to me instead of just having it out with each other and facing whatever their problems are.

My sister is just... a cow? She has been at uni for the past year and doesn't like being home. She came back last weekend because she was bored, not because she wanted to see any of us. She's going away again this weekend because there's some party going on. It's not the fact she's going away that I have any issue with at all, I'm glad one of us siblings has a life, it's the fact that from the moment she came back she's wanted to leave again. In fairness, I was like that when I was at uni, and that was for 3 years, she's only done 1. I consider her as having another 2 years of being like this before I have any right to take issue with her. It's just sad that she doesn't want to be around anymore.

I don't have any friends. I've tried to arrange to see old ones but none of them are ever interested. I don't mean I tried once and then gave up, I mean I have been making consistent effort to rebuild friendships with them. They don't want to know. I've drifted far too much from my best mate from uni for there to ever be a friendship again, we've both moved on too much as people. I hate Facebook for this reason, in the natural world people are allowed to drift, in the virtual world there is always someone who eventually pressed that 'delete' button. It comes over so much as "I'm cutting you out of my life" rather than "I don't want you in my space, but if I DID ever see you again, I would be happy to see you".

I don't feel like I can do anything about getting myself a life again until I start my course. I'm totally positive about my ability to do this once I start; despite not having friends, I'm actually quite sociable and like talking to people- it's not a confidence issue, it's an I choose the wrong people to be friends with issue.

I just really don't know what to do. The only person I could really talk to is my mum but she's part of the problem...

I'm going to try really hard not to cut. I don't want to risk putting myself in hospital or anything like that and mess my life up even further.

happiness...its all a lie · 23-06-2012, 08:30 PM

Hey

*hugs* sounds like you have a lot going on there. When will you find out about the course? If they have to delay it for a year could you get some work in the teaching field to gain experience and skills so that when you do the course you have that and for future jobs?

Sadly parents do that to us but they probably see you struggling and are struggling themselves because they dont know how to help if that makes sense. As for your sister i know what you mean my brother rarely visited when he was at uni and we drifted apart we arent much better now but then i think to when i was at uni i didnt always want to go home but it was nice when i did. It may be that shes still loving the whole uni experience especially as she is in her first year and maybe in the other 2 she will enjoy coming home because she wants too. It may be she feels shes missing out by being at home if theres something going on at uni. Also if people are unhappy she may have sensed it and feel like people arent happy to see her even though thats not the case. Sorry if i have rambled and dont make sense.

Friends that dont want to know arent worth it. You will meet new people all the time and develop friendships. I can count on one hand the amount of friends i have and it doesnt bother me because i know no matter what they will be there.

Maybe you could try small everyday things to start making your life feel more fufilling like applying for 1 job each day or join a social club to meet people?

6 months is great stay strong you can do it. Feel free to pm anytime x

-Stewie- · 27-06-2012, 08:50 PM

Well I have gotten onto the course (technically), they just have to find me a placement. Term ends mid July, so I guess that's when I find out. If they have to delay it for a year, then my plan B is to do a TEFL (teaching english as foreign language) course and go be a classroom assistant in Japan. (crazy alternative I know, but it's something I've always wanted to do and if I do get onto the course, I will be doing Japan afterwards).

You do make sense re family stuff. She probably does sense the atmosphere here and would rather not be around it. That's no different to me and what I was saying about the atmosphere. The thing is I have tried saying to her that we can't both be miserable for the summer so let's find some stuff to do to cheer us both up and make it go quicker but she's not really interested...

I know they're not worth it. I suppose it's just a case of because I can't meet new people at the moment because I don't do anything, I'm focusing on old friends/people I've drifted from. Which is unhealthy.

That's a good idea, I need to set myself a goal or something each day so I actually do stuff. If I mope around the house for the next few months I will probably lose the will to go and do my teaching stuff which can't happen.

Thanks for the reply :)

happiness...its all a lie · 27-06-2012, 09:34 PM

Thats a great second plan my friend did it with spanish and she loved it so much she now lives in spain. Its a great experience i believe. That sounds great. So your sorted one way or another arent you?

Maybe she doesnt want to think about summer yet. Wait til shes home for summer and then just say one day lets go to the park or the cinema have a plan and say you want to go. Maybe if she knows its planned it will be easier to get her motivated.

Its good you recognise its unhealthy but its ok because once you know what your doing next year you will start to know whats going on and you will meet new people and make new friends. Honestly i know its hard to believe but you will make new friends and as i say i have 4 friends but thats all i need to be honest. People with loads and loads of friends probably dont have anyone close to talk too where as people with fewer friends are closer to them and know them better.

You wont loose the will for your teaching im sure maybe your goals could be to do with teaching to keep you motivated for it.