On Friday, I was discharged from the Burns Unit after 20 months of weekly/fortnightly outpatients appointments and a few inpatient admissions for self-harm injuries. I should be happy - no more traipsing across to the other side of the city to the hospital, no more sitting around in the waiting room for ages. But I felt strangely sad and will miss the nurses at the clinic.
I also find it very strange not having dressings. It is so long since I had bare arms and legs. It feel freeing as well, as I can have a bath anytime I want. And I'm planning to wear short sleeves this summer, despite the scarring. But I feel vulnerable and empty.
I don't feel strong urges to self-harm again...yet. But I'm worried that this sad, empty feeling will overwhelm me and I could go back to burning again
I too struggle massively with wound healing, however, try to cling to that "free" feeling. Think of all the cons of how the past months have been, all the negatives of how it has felt, and all the pros to how this feels right now, I know that it's so hard, but you don't need to be going through all of it again, you deserve this freedom.
I just wanted to let you know I can relate to constantly having a burn on my body and being scared about being woundless. Try really hard to resist and remember the reasons why you DON'T want a burn/fresh wound. I've somehow managed about 6 weeks without creating a burn. It's achievable. I wish you luck.
sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.
I can understand this, I don't have chronic problems with burning, but doing it once and going to the burns unit left me feeling strange and uncomfortable when the wound finally healed months later.
I guess the way this occurs in part is because you get used to having an open wound [burns take so long to heal anyway] and become psychologically reliant on the idea that you need it to manage. Keep fighting, list all the reasons, both positive of not harming and negative of harming and keep it with you, read it everyday, take a bit of time to remember how shitty having dressings on all the time is; never being able to wear short sleeved clothes/shorts and being hot, uncomfortable and having the pain in ass job of looking after the wound or dealing with an infection.
If you cannot think any other way, at least for now, tell yourself this is a trial. If you really hate and cannot cope with not burning, you can always still burn. If you just try not to for a while, maybe you'll realize that it is possible to live and survive without wounds. You managed it before you started burning regularly.
It can be done. Enjoy having a bath without having to stick a limb out or shower with a bag on all the time. Buy some new clothes to encourage you to wear short sleeves/not burn. Or, if you cant face that to start with, cover your limb with a light bandage to ween off the sensation of having dressings there. Reduce the time you use them to hopefully get used to not having them. This does not work for everyone, but its an idea.
Thanks for all of your replies - I have been offline for a few days so I only just got the chance to read them.
Cryptic - yes, thinking about the cons and the pros does help. there are definitely more cons and I am fed up of all the hassle and pain.
Cedrus - 6 weeks is fantastic - well done!
MissAnonymous - Having a list is a good idea. The idea of thinking of been wound-free as a trial and still having the option to burn sounds helpful. If I think "this is it - I can never burn again" it's too big and scarey.
Yesterday and the day before, I wore short sleeves all day. I haven't done that for many years and although I notices a few people staring, it felt good not to have to cover up.
I saw my Burns and Plastics consultant yesterday and I will have at least one more follow-up appointment with her, plus another session with the psychologist from the Unit. So it doesn't feel such a shock to the system. Maybe I was a bit too attached to going there - the Burns Unit has been part of my regular routine for the past 20 months and although the staff did not understand my self harm, they did treat me with kindness and care the majority of the time, and when I had no other support, it was all I had.
Do you still have/need help/support with mental health, like seeing a psych? If so, your GP might be able to refer you. The good and bad list sounds like a good idea.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
also, maybe you could go back and visit once in a while, or volunteer. that way, you might be motivated to stay free so that you can make the staff and doctors proud and happy when they see that you're doing well.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
talaiporia - at the moment I have ongoing mental health support at a day programme, although I'm not sure what willl happen when that finishes later this year. It's still being discussed and I am hoping the professionals will listen to me when I say that just because I haven't harmed recently, it doesn't mean I'm better. I still feel fragile and at risk of relapse.
PassedExpectations - visiting or volunteering is an interesting idea. Thanks - I could look into that.
How are you doing today?
Yeah, volunteering sounds like a great idea; it will keep you busy too, which should help keep urges at bay.
Do you think you could talk to the professionals about how you're feeling?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I'm not feeling so good - I have worries and fears about what will happen when I am discharged from my day programme and the staff there are not exactly reassuring when I express my concerns. I am terrified of relapsing and ending up self-harming again. The urges are still there but I'm worried that if I'm not actually self-harming then people will think I'm ok and I'll have no support.
I have been sleepy all weekend, alternating with panicky,anxious moments. That is not a good sign for me. Today, I got rid of the stuff I burn myself with but now I miss it. It felt reassuring to know it was there, even if I wasn't going to use it. I'm not sure if I'm ready to give up self-harm completely. Part of me needs to hang on to the idea that self-harm is an option. I don't like that. It feels like I'm stuck in this identity of a self-harmer and it's not who I really want to be.
Will you still have access to some services, ie. a psych/CMHT? Would you be able to seek help if you felt like you were about to relapse?
I'm sorry you're not feeling good. It must be worrying being released from services, but it doesn't mean you are going to relapse. It's great that you've got rid of some stuff, I know what you mean about missing it, but it's better that it's gone, so it's not there to tempt you.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I can relate to the worry/panic that if you're not self harming people will assume you are fine. Verbal communication is key, keep telling them about your struggles and fears and concerns. I guess I am lucky in a sense that I have a therapist that understands things *can* be more painful and difficult to cope with when I'm not self harming because there is no shield/outlet. Is there anyone in your treatment team you trust who you can explain to about your concerns?
I hope you can manage to not self harm, it's scary at first, but it does get easier. Thinking of you.
sticks and stones may break your bones but words can tear your heart out.
