Hi, when I was first diagnosed with depression almost 5 months ago, I considered taking my own life, and I picked the place and the tree to carry it out. I now have problems with this tree, I'm kinda drawn to it, when I walk passed it gives me a horrible feeling inside, I'm almost scared of it. I feel like crying and I'm so angry and frustrated. It is really messing with my mind.
Has anyone else had a similar experience?
Yes I have had similar issues with 2 certain bridges, which I have to walk over to get anywhere and I feel really anxious and freaked out when I get near them. I have ended up having panic attacks and just bursting into tears when I'm near them.
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
Yes. I have that with bridges really.. bridges, one certain tree( strange I know ;)) Railway tracks near me... I just find myself staring at them as we drive pass really. Or with the bridge I will look at it , as its 1 min away from were I work and think about how windy it would be up there, normally the cold makes me change my mind, am a cold arse ;) .
I also become very anxious and I have nearly broken down while on the bridge before. I also really struggled to see how people could... be happy on the bridge. There was people going for a jog across it! I couldn't understand how they could be happy running across as I was in such a low/dark place just standing there!
I have a tree, too. I was sectioned up it a few years ago. When I was discharged from hospital I chose a really sunny day with lots of people around to go to the tree again, sit in its branches with a sketchbook and draw a really hopeful picture. It kind of put the tree into a different place in my mind.
I'm not sure if that would be helpful for you or not; it sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues around the feelings you had when you were in that place, and that they're being put into the tree. I think doing something symbolic to 'let go' of the feelings can be really helpful, for example you might write down all the negative feelings you had at that time, and with the tree, go to the tree with someone you trust and tie the piece of paper to a balloon and literally let it go. However, I feel that, for many people, talking about it and getting it heard is the most important thing in the long-run and perhaps the most important part of any other symbolic process.
Yeah, I have that with the bridge I jumped off once, and the bench I collapsed on after my first ever OD (I didn't OD on the bench, it's a complicated story that isn't required here).
Yeah, I have that with the bridge I jumped off once, and the bench I collapsed on after my first ever OD (I didn't OD on the bench, it's a complicated story that isn't required here).
I'm not sure if that would be helpful for you or not; it sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues around the feelings you had when you were in that place, and that they're being put into the tree. I think doing something symbolic to 'let go' of the feelings can be really helpful, for example you might write down all the negative feelings you had at that time, and with the tree, go to the tree with someone you trust and tie the piece of paper to a balloon and literally let it go. However, I feel that, for many people, talking about it and getting it heard is the most important thing in the long-run and perhaps the most important part of any other symbolic process.
I agree with this. I have a place like this aswell, and on a nice day when I felt well I went there and put some flowers, as if to say that part of me has gone now and this doesn't have to be a bad place any more, or provoke those memories.
I do sometimes still struggle with trees, for a host of reasons, and autumn. But I make a conscious effort to pull myself into the present and think, things were bad then, but I am different not (not necessarily better, mindyou, if you're not), and that tree/place/season doesn't have to hold me back.
I agree attempting to associate it with something else, something more pleasant, might help you. Then when you get the painful thoughts you can compared them with the better one. They may not go away but they may lessen in severity, and that is a good start.
Since you picked the tree of course it will always be something that catches your attention - you picked the tree, that area, those branches. It won't move, and you will always see that tree as is, and think about it as you walk closer. It probably feels awkward in some way, or feels something - that you can't change, and trying to ignore it if you ever want to will only make things worse.
So. Things can work in a few ways;
1) Try to ignore it, though you never will.
2) Accept you picked this tree and always keep that in mind.
Or 3) You can make this work to the best way possible. Firstly you need to accept that you picked this tree and that it will never be just another tree. But to keep it like that in mind will always be an issue. So you need to try and warp your vision on it. It takes time, but will eventually work. It's just a tree. Trees are destroyed and pulled down. They die. They are birthed and grown over hundreds of years. It's still just a tree. You picked it in the heat of the moment. But you know what? You're typing to us. You're still here. That tree you picked to take a life? You denied it that, didn't you? You look at it now, whenever you pass, and it's just there, but you are still walking past it, thinking about it. That tree will die, or stand a long time. Either way, it didn't take your life, it didn't take power over you and take you away. You pointed a finger, said bad things, gave it an option. And it failed. The tree failed. And you are still here, before this tree.
You thought you gave it an option. You simply proved yourself stronger.
Oh what a beautiful day for us.
We have been looking for ways to trust
Things will unravel the way they must.
And when you see it it's simply the greatest of things.
You'll be grateful the rest of your life.
Thanks everyone for your views and advice.
The only other thing is that I have only told my therapist about this. I don't know if I should tell my wife, it's really hard keeping it from her as I don't want to hurt her.
Telling your wife sounds like a good idea; it might help a lot to let go of some of the stuff that's burdening you right now, and she'll be better able to help you.
I'm sure she'll understand, and it's more likely to hurt her if you keep it from her.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
It's not uncommon for those who've tried to suicide to associate the place they tried (or considered trying) with bad memories whenever they pass it. I, unfortunately, have the same problem with just being in the same room at the same time.
It's important to try and distract yourself from those thoughts in some way, or try to overwrite them with a happy memory as slipped-halo suggested. Perhaps go there with your wife or a friend sometime, embrace the tree, climb it or just sit near it. Try to do things like this until you feel more comfortable and realise that it's in the past now and never have to do that. After all, it's a tree and it doesn't rule your life ^_^
