I've had a lot of important shifts in understanding, this past week. And done new things - like go to the cinema with my befriender [I'd not been to the cinema in over a decade..]. Maybe that's why I feel so unstable right now, I haven't found the new ground yet and have stepped partly off the old one.
But old hostile behaviours have been forefront yesterday and today. I feel so ashamed, even though through my therapeutic work I am understanding steps on from this. I suppose defensive me is putting up a tough fight.
I couldn't sleep last night, in the end resorting to a sleeping tablet.
I cried [silently] all through the film this afternoon, which isn't really a bad thing, as it really touched spots in me. It was the new Snow White film, which is really hardcore dark against light, love against power, really core issues. I feel so vulnerable though, and that's probably not surprising.
But my heartrate is up and I feel so panicky and jittery. Sitting here and typing this is helping some, as I need to try and ground in me now, not in this wayward headstrong other me.
Can you understand this?
Can you just 'talk' to me to help me settle down?
Any ideas of what might help? It's hard for me to access in my mind what to do.
It sounds like you've made a lot of big steps forward this week, and it's only natural that that would be daunting.
Do you have anyone you can talk to about what's going on right now? It sounds as if you're having a bit of difficulty adjusting to your 'new' life, so to speak (does that make sense?).
Else, is there anything that usually helps, ground/calm you, like going for a walk or listening to music?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Thank you so much.
Yes, it does feel like/seem like a difficulty in adjusting. That makes total sense.
I don't have anyone I can talk with in person about this until Monday.
I will probably listen to some music on my iPod in a bit. I did a bit of very gentle yoga, not much, which I thought helped a little. But now I have one restless leg. Not good!
I really need an early night and a decent sleep. But I don't now whether that will be possible. I'll go for the early night, at least. I've not been sleeping well for a couple of weeks now.
You went to the cinema. You know you've not been in a decade or more, but you still went. Thinking "I've not been in a long time" causes a fuss. Not going is avoiding breaking that rule. Breaking that rule is a step forwards. You of course will feel something - You know you haven't been for such a time, and you think to yourself "I haven't been for this time". Thinking it will bring up the issue. Not thinking about it doesn't. But you brought up the issue. And guess what? You conquered it. You went, even though you knew you hadn't been in such a long time - and knowing that alone will put people off. But you went, didn't you?
Hostility to things is natural. Everybody feels hostile to something, emotions or physical and unrelated. Hostility can be unexplained or expected. Hostility means you feel, and it's nothing to put down at first. We all have issues we get hostile to. It's a case of one day working it away. One day. Not just yet. You can wait. You may never have to sort it.
Movies can be touching. And that's because it's like realism played before us. If you have emotions touched by a movie then it shows you are in touch with your feelings, of course. Crying at a movie, for instance isn't bad like people say. Some people are sensitive to this and that moreso than another. I think we all cry at a movie eventually, because it touches us in a way.
I could tell you "I have a fast heart rate in instances too", but that only tells you I have an issue, and not that I feel the same as you. Every person is different. We can only advise, speak from personal experience and hope our words help. The best way to deal with panics etc will be discovered by you yourself, wether self discovered or you finding out you can calm the same way somebody else does. I personally just sit / lay there and think upon it; "My heart rate is fast and i'm panicking. But why? Why truely? I have nothing to panic of here. Nothing is happening. It is frightening to feel like this, as expected. But it will pass. it will pass."
Oh what a beautiful day for us.
We have been looking for ways to trust
Things will unravel the way they must.
And when you see it it's simply the greatest of things.
You'll be grateful the rest of your life.
I feel guilty to post again, asking for a bit of attention. I'm sorry.
Work today had some really stressful times in it. I have to constantly remain vigilant to my hostile irritability. I TRY to be assertive. But it comes out wrong because of the years of being under real emotional and borderline-physical threat and consequent panic.
Like a woman pointed to the computer she'd been using, but it was right towards me like her hand was nearly in my face, and pointing at my head. I felt really uncomfortable and intimidated, and I asked for her not to point at me like that. She said she'd been pointing at the computer. I said, but it was right in my face. She then didn't say anything and seemed to feel a bit affronted. I really need to practice setting my boundaries in situations like that. I felt so shaky afterwards, but part of me says it was a reasonable request, and another part of me says I was rude. I know I have a 'right' to speak up if something makes me very uncomfortable. I don't have to be 'walked all over'. The trouble is that I am more easily made uncomfortable due to my past, and my discomfort makes others feel unwelcome a lot. I really haven't got that sussed yet.
I don't feel as raw and vulnerable as I did yesterday and Thursday. But I do feel 'on the edge'. Not so close to the edge, and not so panicky, but very wary and watchful, more than my average baseline. This probably comes with the settling into new internal territory. It can feel big and scary to the undeveloped part of me, the part of me that will probably never grow up. Though I can and will. It's a hard dichotomy to handle, to have this 'primitive' self so close. But maybe it is also more accessible to kindness and care that way... much as she tries to run from it at the same time as craving it desperately.
*sits with* i dont have any advice but im around. <3 thinking of you.
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
Like a woman pointed to the computer she'd been using, but it was right towards me like her hand was nearly in my face, and pointing at my head. I felt really uncomfortable and intimidated, and I asked for her not to point at me like that. She said she'd been pointing at the computer. I said, but it was right in my face. She then didn't say anything and seemed to feel a bit affronted. I really need to practice setting my boundaries in situations like that. I felt so shaky afterwards, but part of me says it was a reasonable request, and another part of me says I was rude. I know I have a 'right' to speak up if something makes me very uncomfortable. I don't have to be 'walked all over'. The trouble is that I am more easily made uncomfortable due to my past, and my discomfort makes others feel unwelcome a lot. I really haven't got that sussed yet.
It comes across like I hate the person and I feel badly threatened by them. Which of course part of me does. It can feel such a mess. *sigh*
[I am working things through in therapy, just sometimes I 'can't help myself' as it were, and the impulse to set boundaries in a sort of nasty way happens because I guess the situation triggers flashbacks in a semi-conscious part of me. *ashamed*]
oh that makes sense, theres no reason to be ashamed katie. i'm sure if that woman thought anything she probably just thought you were having an off day and got over it as soon as it happened- seeing as everyone has off days. but theres nothing to be ashamed of, promise. have you talked to your therapist about how you can work through situations like that? ps good on you for going to cinema even though you'd not gone in ages =] *offers a hug if you want it*
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
Thanks Heather.
Yes, nearly every situation like that I take to therapy. I am working really hard. But the inner defence against possible flashbacks is really deep and it's quite the challenge to manage.
It's also quite a headspin for part of me to really accept that I have had my personal boundaries violated multiple times in my growing up years. Part of the shame is that people won't understand as it wasn't sexual.
i understand. not completely but i do understand. and know what, it doesnt really matter in the grand scheme of things if others understand, as long as you're working hard- and i know you are. *sits with and keeps company*
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
Today.
A manager was in. Not my usual one. So I was a bit anxious.
A colleague, who does seem to lack tact, said to me, in the manager's earshot "You seem nervous today". Thanks, not. I sort of brushed it aside. But ugh.
Then on the bus home these men were being annoying at me on purpose.
I want to find a 'cave' to hide in, but I have a busy week ahead of me.
