So, actively trying to research, understand more, and find ways to recover from BPD... good thing, eh?
Thing is, I'll read things written by others with BPD, or I'll read the symptoms etc, and I start to cry... It's as though I can't handle the fact that THAT is what I am. Those things are me... As I absorb the material, I feel WORSE about my situation. I feel as though I've forgotten the symptoms, because at that very moment, I'm not experiencing them, but then I remember that that is how I often feel, and I start to regain the feelings I get when those things are in my head. And then those things penetrate my conscious thought, and I become hopeless, and pathetic. And I wonder. How can I "get better" if I can't even read the material without becoming a hopeless wreck that feels that maybe, just maybe, she shouldn't bother at all? All I want it to be able to be me. My own person, without the emptiness, without the abandonment issues, without the self loathing... I want to be able to be alone at home and not instantly think "have I got enough tablets?" Half the time I don't even know what's wrong with me, only that there is something, because "normal" people don't do the things I do. I want to feel ok. I just want to feel ok.
I dont break into a nervous wreck but I get frustrated at being unwell too. I wish I too could be normal, and I wish I too didn't experience the things I do. I don't really have any advice, just that I feel similarly about my mental health. x
I have a CPN, and a psychiatrist that I see every six months. I was refused psychology because the woman I saw said that she couldn't be sure I was going to try, all because of a previous experience. While I was right in the midst of my ED, and ODing, (not so much SH during that time), I was given a psychotherapist. She would give me tasks between my weekly appointments, such as keeping a food diary. Every thing she asked me to do, I did. I found it hard to open up; I only had about 4 sessions with her in total. I've always needed time to trust someone enough to open up to them... I worry they're going to think I'm an idiot and a waste of their time. So yeah, she discharged me with the reason that I wasn't working with her. My housing officer at the time (my old CPN) said that it was more than likely that she wasn't trained enough to deal with my "complex issues".
But now that has haunted me and prevented me from getting into proper treatment. So I feel like I can't go forward... I definitely need help to conquer my problems, I know I can't do it alone, but no one will help me...
I don't know whereabouts you live, but for some people with longstanding complex issues, especially BPD, therapeutic communities can be really useful. They can come as day patient or inpatient settings. They are not helpful for everyone though as they often come with some degree of commitment not to self harm, and with very serious self harm that can be of real concern to the other members of the therapeutic community (often there needs to be some stability before they will consider admission due to how unsettling that kind of intensive therapy can be). It might be worth talking about with your team, though, as they can be pretty effective. If it's an option, perhaps your team can help you slowly prepare for that kind of treatment. Alternatively, as you know, DBT can be very helpful but I've never had that so can't be of much help there.
When I was on an ED unit as an IP all the way 2 hours up North from here, lol, there was another IP unit across the hall, for BPD sufferers. I got kicked out of the ED unit for SH though, so I don't know if they'd accept me :(
It's worth looking in to. Not every therapeutic community/specialist hospital will take patients who are still self harming but others will. It's not usually because they want to be cruel about the self harm, one TC turned me down because of my self harm but it was because they didn't feel it would help me to be there whilst harming myself or other patients.
Then there are other places that don't take that view.
I will discuss it with my fiancé first, it's a huge decision after all, leaving my home and my pets and my family... But you're right, it's definitely something to seriously consider.
Look, stop trying to make me do this alone! I want therapy, and my old CPN was sure it was what i needed, and they *know* that, but they rejected my referral. I haven't got it in me to do it alone, I need help.
Emma...If you had a choice would you want to do therapy in the community or be an IP somewhere? Do you think you could cope with therapy and be in the community?
I would really like to do therapy in the community. I have a college course starting in September, and I have pets to be looking after, and I think I could cope, I haven't really had proper therapy other that CAMHS, and that was 4 years ago now lol, I need to give it a go.
Dash: Sorry for the outburst. I was in a bit of an irritable mood and I got it into my head that you were telling me to stand on my own two feet and stop being such a baby.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post.
Give me a little time to take in everything in it so I can reply properly :)
There's not a lot to say I don't think, except thank you and I will definitely take all your points on board.
Sometimes I don't even know why I do things, so it really frustrates me to try and work it out, especially if my CPN is sat in front of me, urging me to tell her why I did whatever I did.
I was getting wonderful care from my old CPN. She used to go through one of the BPD workbooks with me every week, and I really felt we were going somewhere. Maybe I should suggest this to my new CPN... I'm just unsure as to whether it would work as well since she's so cold and emotionless and I don't feel comfortable around her... What do you think?
I think that's a good idea Emma. It shows that you want to engage in something that could help with your illness and probably makes much better use of the time you spend with your CPN.
You could give it a try and if it doesn't work perhaps they will allow you to see someone else? I'm not sure how easy it is to swap CPNs.
Me neither... I just get this horrible feeling that she's judging me, and thinks I'm a waste of her time...
When I was in CAMHS hospital, one of the nurses said I was a waste of time and resources, and I think that haunts me to this day, 4 years later :(
Oh that is an awful thing for the nurse to have said. I'm hoping your CPN doesn't think the same, I'm sure she doesn't. I sometimes believe I'm a drain on the NHS because I've been to a secure hospital that cost about 50k and I'm still exactly the same and then this other hospital is about 50k for 6 months so yeah :/ I often wonder if I'm worth it.
I remember this Doctor at my local hospital. He said to me if I lived in his country I'd get no support so I should count myself lucky that I live in the UK :( I just wanted to punch him!
You are definitely not a waste of her time. You're unwell and need her help/support and at the end of the day she chose to do that job and she gets paid for it.
Argh! I can't remember the name of the book :( The book belonged to my old CPN, so I dunno if she'll be able to get it, and it will totally crush me if I ask her and she says no... jeez what a pickle ;(
I'm not the brightest bulb on the Xmas tree, and I remember having to ask my old CPN what things meant exactly... so I'm not sure how well going through it by myself would be, or did you mean use material I remember from it? If so, no. I don't remember any of it XD
Now I feel like I'm poking holes in everybodies suggestions D:
