"I am 100% certain she is a danger to herself"

[TomiJoseph]

My ex bf tried to tell that to my dad the other night over facebook. He loves me, he doesn't love me, either way, I can't trust him.

My dad thinks I'm handling everything well. He also started drinking again. I think he's stopping again, either way, I can't trust him.

My brain started hating me again too. I can't trust a single thought in my head. It's so scary, not being in control. Nobody gets it. Nobody gets how hard this is, nobody tries to get it, nobody asks too deep. I could fucking kill myself and none of them would know why, even though I'm giving off signs like mad. They would all cry and feel bad and wonder what went so fucking wrong with me.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared of everything. I don't trust anyone, even people I've trusted for years. Nothing is secure. They really don't get it. I never wanted to die. I just want everything to fucking stop.

[PassedExpectations]

not trusting anyone must leave you feeling very alone, and intensify how scared you feel. but if you feel like you can't trust anyone... that speaks to how you are feeling, not to how trustworthy people actually are. i would try to trust them, even if it makes you uncomfortable at first. are there smaller things that you could trust them with?

you said that you can't trust your ex or your dad... is there a specific way that you are scared that they will react?

[TomiJoseph]

This is the most alone I've ever been in my whole life. I have people who want so bad to be there for me but I don't remember how to let them. I feel like trusting someone with the smallest thing now is a huge mistake. I can't explain really well, I can't remember how to deal with people sometimes.

And there's nothing I'm afraid of from them, it's just that I'm tired of putting my trust and hopes on someone only to have it betrayed, intentionally or not. It's draining and I'm exhausted. Really exhausted.

I try so hard to act like nothing's wrong and -beyond that- to act as if I have normal coping abilities or normal thought patterns and emotions. I'm losing the ability to keep pretending. It's so difficult.

[PassedExpectations]

instead of trying to pretend that you have normal coping skills, perhaps your efforts would be better spent learning positive coping skills...what things can you think of that would be positive coping mechanisms?

betrayal really hurts, but it hurts us infinitely more if it causes us to never trust anyone again... i know that you said that it feels like a mistake to trust anyone, but that doesn't mean that it necessarily is. feelings aren't facts. could you test some people out with some little things? and also show yourself that you are brave enough to trust people.