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My OCD
I've never really had help with my ocd, it is a diagnosis of mine mainly thinking though, my thought processes are obsessive and I loop incessantly for days at a time. It is really distressing. I don't actually have 'rituals' apart from hand washing, my hands are constantly raw but I cannot stop. My main problem is i'm terrified of germs and dirt that can cause bacteria on me, this isn't unusual I know but my problem is other than acting on it by cleaning my surroundings etc I am paralysed by the thought of touching anything, I'm unable to clean it I will but it will distress me to the point of crying and days of washing disinfectant all over me, particularly the kitchen, washing up is my big barrier i'm terrified of getting foods on my hands or getting it anywhere, it will send me into a panic attack, touching the dirty plates, if the sink has dirty water in it I can't go anywhere near it even wearing those rubber gloves as water may still get in. I can cope with hoovering and what not but anything that involves me touching dirt etc I can't cope. My bedroom has certain piles but then I'm scared to organise them again because of the fear. I tend to be ok if I have access to disinfectant. When I worked in an animal shelter I was able to cope because we used piping hot disinfectant for everything . I do clean and I will clean to perfection but then It gets dirty again and the thought of going through it all again is just heart breaking.
I don't know what to do or how to conquer it, I don't really talk about this to my team as it's not my main problem, it's distressing but the only reason i'm posting is because my mum is becoming increasingly stressed that I can't do this. As she thinks i'm being lazy. But i'm not, it's just I'm physically terrified of doing it. Can anyone offer advice? Or some means of getting through that barrier. I just don't know what to do.
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