Helping friends and family understand.

[Ash*]

I've not posted here forever, in this forum in particularly very rarely when I was an 'active' member.

I got signed off work yesterday for a month, depression and anxiety. I've spoken to work very quickly, but I was too upset to say much more than "I've been signed off".
I'm looking at getting some counselling, and stepping down in work/looking for a new job (something that has been strongly discouraged by my doctor until I'm feeling a bit better), and I've got a bit of a plan for a 6/9 month treatment plan going forward.

I suppose my main concern is my relationship - I live with my girlfriend of 4 years, and as much as I've had 'ups and downs' during this time, this is the worst episode I've had. The last 4/6 weeks in particular have been horrible,I've been a bitch, I've shouted, I've cried, I've been the opposite of my average self. She's taken the last two days of work to look after me because I've spend most of it on the floor crying.

I'm really struggling to explain things to her, she keeps asking me if I feel better "do you feel better then this morning?" "do you feel better than yesterday?" and getting disheartened when the answer is no, or I burst into tears. I've tried to explain that it's going to be weeks,months, before I feel better than this, after 10 years I'm under no illusion that there's no magic wand and that I can't explain to her how I actually feel because it will break her heart. She has a very idealistic view that "you have me,so why are you sad?" and anything else doesn't make sense.

One of my friends who knows has made it into a bit of a joke saying that I'm just skipping work because I can't be bothered, and as much as I can try and see the funny side it's not happening.

How have you helped the people around you understand? or politely told them to **** off and leave you alone for a little bit?

[Mrs Sam]

Hey Ash, I remember you :) welcome back although sorry it'd not for better reasons.

Sounds like a very difficult situation all round right now. I was in a very similar situation a few years ago which ended up going on for a long time. What I found helpful was agreeing with my husband what was appropriate/useful to say and do in certain situations. For example I used to go mute sometimes and we agreed he would mostly leave me to it of course makig sure I was safe. I just needed my own time to work through things. Also my depression looked from the outside similarly to if I was in a strop with him so I explained how it was different and stuff so he knew it wasn't his fault.

From his point of view seeing me actively seek help was reassuring for him and showed I was trying. Also on your good days makig sure you do nice things and spend quality time together to make it as least stressful as possible.

I'm glad you're seeking support and help though as depression feeds off isolation which I'm sure you know.

Xxx

[Mrs Sam]

Oh we also had a code word (I think it was banana) which meant I felt really bad but didn't want to talk about it.

[Ash*]

Hi =]
Thanks for replying. I appreciate you taking the time.

She's being very respectful of my space, but I don't think she understands just how terrible I feel. I think because I've always put such a front on and "got on with it" or just plain lied about how I'm feeling that she can't understand how I can feel that bad, if that makes sense.

I feel like I'm going to get worse before I get better and I don't feel strong enough to cope. I don't have the physical or emotional strength to support her in supporting me and I feel like such a bitch.

I've moved on so much in the last four years that it's never been something I've told many of my friends about, one of my best friends found out accidentally about my self harming about 6 months ago and it wasn't a fantastic reaction. He knows I'm off work but I've not told him why.

I feel like I'm 18 all over again and my head's gone back 8 years.

Today's been really hard. I've tried to make a list of things to do every day for the next few days so I HAVE to get dressed or do something. Just simple things like clearing a room, or going to Tesco. I can't concentrate and my head hurts and food tastes disgusting and breathing requires effort. One of those days.

God, I don't half go on =\

[Mrs Sam]

Does she need to understand how bad you feel? Ie what would you gain from her "getting" it? You could try writing it down and showing her? I did that in hospital which articulated it much better than I could have said to doctors.

It's good you're going out and doing things. Sitting in and thinking wont do you much good.

I know you said you've gone back 8 years but you've 8 years more life experience now. So although it feels the same emotionally you have tools and knowledge you didn't then which will help uou now.

Xxx