I am in the middle of a really horrid depression episode. It has been about 3-4 weeks since my mood first lowered. I am crying constantly and/or getting extremely angry. I am used to depression so I get that I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other until it lifts, but that does not make it any easier. The pain in my chest is excruciating.
I planned to go see my friend tonight as a treat for myself. I don't really have many friends because of my illness and this friend lives about 2 hours away. She is lovely and said I can stay over at hers rather than drive back really late at night, but she works till 7pm and I don't want to get stuck in traffic so I thought I could leave a bit early around 3pm and go to the shops beforehand. I know all this sounds really basic and easy but when I'm depressed making any decisions is really hard and it all feels too much...even simple things like where to park my car and which direction to walk in when I'm at the shops feels like so much to think about and I know when I'm there (based on many previous experiences) I'll freeze because I just can't decide anything in these kinda moods.
I'm so upset and angry at my depression because I feel I may be too ill to go. I really want to go...and I'll see how I feel in 2 hours...but I'm not sure how safe it would be for me to get behind the wheel of a car.....my reaction times are slow and thinking clearly is hard work....and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to not cry every few minutes/ignore the blows of pain in my chest. I hate that my depression may rob me of yet another time in my life that could bring me some pleasure. I get angry at myself too for letting my emotions dictate my level of living...they are just emotions so why do they get to decide?!
This plan was supposed to help lift my depression slightly but I feel the stress of it is compounding it at the moment. All of this sounds so mundane, and really it is, my depression is the most generic unremarkable sort that makes me feel as though I am very quietly dying inside. I am so tired of crying and not being able to live my life as I want to...I try to accept the illness and work with it adjusting my life accordingly to my moods but when things like this happen I feel so trapped in the depression.
Hello CagedBird. Depression is very negative thing in our emotional life. I personally think that you should find cause of your depression. And there are some things for the start of depression relief that you could do.
Start with doing some things that are positive for you, things that makes you happy and feeling nice. If you got some hobby or some sort of art can help too.
Tell me what you think about that!
Greetings...Pascal.
I totally understand feeling angry and depressed about feeling angry and depressed. Depressions though often try and tell us something important about things in our lives.
Pascal - I agree that I need to find the cause of my depression and I working hard in therapy to get it all under control. I wanted to see my friend today in order to give myself a treat but I wasn't able to. I try to exercise quite a lot as that always helps my mood.
Stellata - I have had a lot of stress going on recently and I know there are underlying issues that are being brought up in therapy which are extremely difficult. But sometimes it does seem to get a lot worse for no reason at all! That is the worst part. I like to be in control of myself and try and do a lot to maintain that control so when these emotions overwhelm me I feel utterly lost and at sea. If I knew the issue I'd try and fix it.
I couldn't go because I kept crying. I went to my exercise class after I wrote the first post but when I came back it hadn't lifted my mood significantly and I just sat and cried. I know it was the right decision to make but I am so frustrated that I miss out on my 'fun' evening. I pushed myself to go to a 2nd exercise class instead which is probably a bit much but I needed to get out the anger and exhaust myself.
Ok, continue with your exercise if that helps you. Try to organize your self with that kind of activity. And try to organize your positive daily activities too.
I'm so sorry you weren't able to go in the end. I can relate a lot to what you've written here, and it's so difficult. It just doesn't seem fair that you should have to miss out on things because of your depression. I think, though, that you have a really great attitude towards it and I hope thing get a little easier for you soon. Maybe going to see your friend is something you can work towards, and hopefully enjoy even more once you do manage it. Are there any smaller things you could try that might be a bit more manageable at the moment but may help to lift yout mood. Exercise sounds like a positive thing, I'm glad that helps you.
Take care of yourself.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Starling - you are right it doesn't seem fair, the thing I get the angriest about is that I spend a lot of my energy remaining functional but at the expense of the fun things of life...which I think can contribute to the depression ironically. I think you are right I need to keep determined but perhaps do smaller things that I can handle easier.
Tig - thank you for caring although I feel sorry that you relate to such pain.
I can really relate to you too, I can't really think of any words right now but wanted to leave some hugs.
I think smaller tasks might be helpful as them you might feel like you can manage them easier and if your anything like me, you might not feel as frustrated as i do when I feel like I can't do something... Sorry if that don't make sense!
Take care
Kate x
One of these days, your heart, will stop, and play it's final beat..
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not - Kurt Cobain
Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do.
I pushed myself to go to a 2nd exercise class instead which is probably a bit much but I needed to get out the anger and exhaust myself. 
