I don't want to get better? But I do at the same time?

Japan_Freak · 27-05-2012, 03:02 AM

I cut myself and probably have depression/borderline. I really want to stop and be normal again, but at the same time, I don't want to give this up. It's all I know right now. I self harm about 2-3 times a week, 4 if it's bad. My friend said that if I didn't stop, he would start cutting again. I don't want him to hurt, but I don't want to hurt either. Cutting is my only escape from my family and depression. And I don't want to stop being depressed either. If the other person's thoughts go away, who will I be? It's kinda like I've grown into this life. Half of me wants to stop and be happy again, while the other half wants to crawl in a dark corner. I don't know what's going on or what I want to do. Is anyone else like this? Any advise? Sorry if this is in the wrong category. Thanks for any help you have. -Rachel

Stellata · 27-05-2012, 08:42 AM

What's happening with your family, Rachel?

Snow White. · 27-05-2012, 10:46 AM

Hey Rachel, I know how you feel. I am facing this now, and have faced it in the past. I guess when you ask the question 'who will you be without self harm/depression', you have to figure it out. And if you don't know, then perhaps it is a good chance for you to start developing some interests and such. When I first started to recover from self harm I had to do this, and got involved in craft and put effort into studying and such, things that made me happy and soon my identity became about things I enjoy. But for you it could be anything. I know that might be scary, too, but the possibilities are endless and so much more enjoyable than a life of cutting yourself and hiding scars.

You say that cutting seems to be an escape for you; can you tell me more about that?

I know it seems like cutting might be an escape from depression but it's actually the opposite. Cutting pushes away all the problems for a moment while you focus your attention on the cut, but once that is done all your problems come back, and then there is more too about the cutting that becomes problematic. You don't learn how to deal with problems and they also get bigger.

Perhaps reaching out for some support will help you work through these issues? You deserve that chance x

Japan_Freak · 27-05-2012, 02:15 PM

My family? They're so loud and always yelling. My sister takes an advanced English class, so my parents are always fighting with her because she doesn't do her work. I wanted to get in the class soo bad, and it's because of me that she's in it, but they didn't accept me. She just throws all her work around and complains about how much she hates it. I have to do all the chores because she's 'doing her homework' when she's really on YouTube and facebook. I have to clean her and I's room (idk about that grammar) and do the dishes and vacuum and clean the house because she 'working'. I can't practice my piano or flute or watch tv or use the computer because she's 'working'. Then I get in trouble for not practicing or having my homework done and spending so much time in my room. I don't even wanna talk about my dad....

I guess when I first started it was because I couldn't get away from all the noise and yelling because my parents are over-protective and won't let me go anywhere by myself. Cause usually I would just go for a walk. I knew how to deal with things on my own; I've never been big on 'expressing my feelings'. But I couldn't get away. So I did it. And I felt surprisingly better so I keep doing it when they go at it or I've disappointed them, ect. But I think now its moving away from an escape and turning into an addiction. I think now I do it just to feel numb (or feel anything) but in a way I guess that is kind of an escape. So that's the best I can explain it right now.

bitomato · 27-05-2012, 02:48 PM

Hi Rachel,
It sounds like you have some big choices to make. While the situation at home seems unfair- you do have a lot of choices.

And unfortunately communicating is one of the main ways to deal with those issues. You cannot control the actions of others, but what you can control is how their behaviour impacts on you and how you behave.

As you rightly pointed out, how you use self harm is becoming an addiction and is definitely not a solution to anything. I do think that you need to discuss with your parents about having a balance in the responsibilities around the house and meeting your own obligations and desires with your music and academic studies.

It is good to be supportive of your sister, but not at the expense of having unreasonable pressure placed on you. You need to be able to schedule time to practice and also have a shared responsibility for chores so that you can study also.

Is there anyone, like a tutor or counsellor at school that you can talk about regarding your depression and self harm? Do you think that you could talk to your parents about it?

Setting a timetable for yourself might be the most realistic thing- where you set a time to practice and a time to study. Is it possible to book a practice room at school to do your music or go to the library to study? Your parents need to realise that you have to do this, and you will have to communicate this to them.
Hugs

Japan_Freak · 27-05-2012, 03:06 PM

I have the one friend I mentioned before, but I try not to talk to him about it too much because I feel like I'm just adding to his list of problems and making him remember bad memories. I couldn't ever tell my parents or my sister. If I tell someone at school, by law they have to tell my parents.

I've tried telling them that it's not fair that I have to do all the work, but they said 'but she has so much homework to do so it wouldn't be fair if she had to do work and classes.' then we get into an argument and I feel like cutting again.

Another thing is they always talk about how smart she is and how amazing and wonderful, but when they get to me, they're like, she's smart too umm much more althletic? More creative? Looks just like her twin so she's pretty too. It's like they have to really think to come up with good things about me.

My school doesn't have a music room. Only the band room and that's locked up when schools over. The library is closed by the time I get home. But my parents are so over protective that they wont even let me go past our block by myself, let alone go to the library. I've tried telling my mom that I need more freedom, but we ended up getting into an argument. I left and went to the forest-y place behind my house. I tried calling my friend, but he didn't answer so I came back. There's just no way I can get them to understand anything I say.

bitomato · 27-05-2012, 04:02 PM

I think your friend saying that they will SH if you will borders on being manipulative. They are responsible for themselves as you are for yourself.

I cannot tell your family dynamic- but you do have the right to say no. Or to do chores after you have finished your studies and practice if time permits. I think if your family wants you to do your twins chores- then they have to give you time to study and practice.

And I think for some instruments headphones work or doing the fingering without playing the notes. Try to turn to your instruments rather than cutting. Whether it is to take them to the forestry place where possible/ or keep committing a certain amount of time each day at home.

Check out the distractions page for alternatives to cutting. You have to look out for yourself hun. What does your twin think about all of this conflict? You share a special bond- so maybe you should also talk to them about it? Maybe they can help you reason with your parents?

Japan_Freak · 27-05-2012, 04:58 PM

He's just trying to help me stop? I never thought about it that way... I don't know if he wants me to stop or if he just wants to start again..

My twin thinks everythings fine cause she can mess around instead of doing her assignments while I do the work. She thinks it's a good deal.

Japan_Freak · 28-05-2012, 04:03 AM

That's it. I'm addicted. Even if I keep trying, I won't be able to stop. They keep getting closer to my veins. At least I don't feel anything till afterwards.

PassedExpectations · 28-05-2012, 02:52 PM

addictions can be broken. not easily, but they can be broken. don't give up hope. don't give up trying. if you give up trying, things will get worse, and be harder to get out of later.

Japan_Freak · 29-05-2012, 02:23 AM

I tried today. I really did. But I ended up cutting twice. One of them just a minute ago. They're getting deeper and bleeding more than they used to. But the blood makes me feel calmer and I know I deserve to hurt. So it kinda works out I guess. An eye for an eye, or whatever that saying is.

Japan_Freak · 29-05-2012, 03:23 AM

Scratch that. Not twice, but now three times.

PassedExpectations · 30-05-2012, 12:02 AM

ok... that isn't good. but you're at the beginning of this. recovery is a process, and it doesn't happen all at once, and it often doesn't happen on the first try. don't give up because you haven't had success yet. take it as a challenge, prove the self harm urges wrong.

did something in particular trigger you? it helps to make plans for what to do when you get an urge, or are in situations that often trigger urges

Japan_Freak · 30-05-2012, 03:00 AM

I don't know why. Usually I guess it's because all the thoughts pile up or my family is yelling or it starts thinking again or stuff like that. It makes me feel calmer and lets me get away from everything, like I'm on a different planet or not even this universe. Just far away where I can't hear the thoughts or the yelling and I can't feel and I just don't care. It's like that, I guess.

DollyPOP · 30-05-2012, 08:25 AM

i've nto read the whole htread but I think that threat by your friend is really unfair. I'd be bothered by that.

Japan_Freak · 30-05-2012, 09:35 PM

But...Isnt he just trying to help?

PassedExpectations · 30-05-2012, 11:24 PM

yes, probably he is just trying to help, but his help is very misguided, and actually more likely to do harm than good. and it is ok to tell him that.

Japan_Freak · 30-05-2012, 11:50 PM

He's walking home with me tomorrow. How should I go about telling him this? Or even bring up the topic in general? It's not like I can just go up to him and say, "Hey lets talk about cutting."