Lost myself, badly.

[Wonderful.]

I'm sorry for posting, I am just feeling absolutely horrific and I don't know what else to do.

Been in hospital for 2 months, was discharged on Tuesday, diagnosed with BPD.
Long story short, I have never ever been this 'unwell' my mind is completely boggled and I feel just so overwhelmed and scared that there aren't any words or actions I can do to even begin to describe how bad I feel right now.
Everything just feels so confusing and completely empty, I feel like I've had every single thing that makes me 'me' sucked out with a vacuum and I'm scared I'll never get even a small amount of that back. I am just completely numb, empty and void of all feelings and I'm terrified.

I'm trapped inside my own mind, there is absolutely no hope left anymore, I can't speak, and therapy is apparently the only thing in the world that might possibly make this even slightly better. My voice will not work, I speak and I feel SO unreal, like another person that I don't recognise, it feels like my brain and self aren't connected, in my head I am different, I know what I need to say, then my 'self' changes and adapts it.
Sosososo trapped.

I literally have no idea what I'm even doing, like I'm doing and acting in a way I don't even recognise. I've had symptoms of BPD for years, but this feels extreme and out of control, and I'm scared that there may never be a way back to even remotely 'functioning'. I have to go back to work soon, and I work in mental health, how can I possibly begin to understand mental illness anymore when this has consumed and is eating me alive? But I have to work, have to have some sort of 'grounding', a purpose, a way to feel even remotely 'real' again.

I probably need a new job now due to section, but I don't have a clue what or how, I don't know who I am, what interests I have, I know nothing, I'm not even a real person, I'm just pretend, fake.

Self harm doesn't work anymore, drink right now is a lethal combination with my impulsiveness and weed will only make me lose touch with reality more, I realise my coping mechanisms are all self destructive, but I can't concentrate, can't grip onto reality long enough to even begin to think pro- active.

I am beyond help, beyond any hope.
I don't feel actively suicidal right now though, just absolutely desperate to make some sense of just anything. I'm so scared. Just any words might help, anything... Just I'm sorry I'm being needy, I just can't cope, I can't do anything anymore, I have lost myself. Lost touch with reality.

Sorry for posting, thank you for listening...

[bullettheory]

Sorry you are struggling so much at the minute. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. With things feeling unreal, is there anything which may be remotely grounding for you. I find that if I am feeling unreal if I try to comfort myself using my senses that can help, music really helps for me, or cuddling a cuddly toy or something, just something comforting. With not knowing who you are, that is really difficult to deal with. I'm not very good at getting over that myself, I'm afraid I don't have much advice for that one, but, like anything else, it does pass, eventually.

Is there anymore coping mechanisms (good ones) that you could use? Like distraction or something, like a film, or a favourite TV program?

I don't think anyone is ever beyond help, sure it is very difficult at times, but there is always hope, and always help. Have you got a CPN or someone you could talk to, are you in therapy atm?

if you ever need to talk more, you can always PM me. I hope you feel better soon.

[Wonderful.]

Thank you for replying it means a lot. Trying to listen to some music, think I might just go for a walk though and hope for the best. I need a drink really badly.

I have a social worker, who I just gave abuse to in hospital, I didn't mean to wi was angry, she said I can ring her etc, but I've never been good at asking for help. Crisis team are coming daily until Tuesday but gahhhh I'm lost.
I'm in group therapy haven't been for the 2 months though, am going back Weds, I don't even understand anymore, why do we do therapy? Why does it matter? I know I'm being irrational, but I can't just understand, I don't understand. Arghhhhhh, I don't even know, what even am I?!

Just ranting now. Shut up, Danielle.

Thanks again for your reply.

[bullettheory]

I hope your walk helped a bit. Could you maybe write down how you feel, or print off what you wrote above and give it to the crisis team? I know its hard to talk, but it's important they know so they can help you. *hug* I know it's hard to make sense of things when you are confused as to who you are, but you aren't being irrational. And you can rant anytime! And therapy matters because you are important, and you deserve to feel better.

[over and out]

Danikins, you know you always have me and never forget it! You will begin to understand and feel better but with the shock of them not telling you for ages then accidentally telling you its bound to make you irrational. any rational person would become irrational. <3 keep your chin up and if you can't do it, turn to me for help with it :D xxx

[bitomato]

Don't feel sorry for posting.
I am sorry that you are struggling, but I am also really happy that you are getting some intervention.

Please speak to the team about work and any other concerns, like the drug use and staying safe. They would be the best people to help you prioritise your recovery/ wellness plan.

I too have a real love form working in Mental Health. But due to my own vulnerabilities, I have to constantly review how much I can be involved in the care of others when I have to look after myself. Mental health issues come up in many areas of health care- so it might be very possible to apply your skills in a different setting without being in an environment which might be triggering at the moment.

Writing in a journal might give you an opportunity to record your thoughts. Sometimes they just seem to fly through your head and you cannot get a handle on them, but writing them down might allow you to at least review them when you feel better, show them to the team, or just move on.

But to be fair to yourself, take it moment by moment, day by day. Your priority is to get well and stay well. Continue to allow people to help you. You are brave for getting thus far. Hugs

[Wonderful.]

Thank you very much for the support and advice, it means a lot.

I am still in 2 minds about my job, I just need to think straight and then I can consider the pros and cons. I am definitely considering what you are saying though, I think maybe care I should stick to, because I know I was good at my job at one point, and changing career path completely isn't going to help with stability.

I like the journal thing, I was writing in hospital and it did help, just getting the thoughts and mess in my head out in some way helped. So I will try that, thank you :)

Opened up to crisis team today, the lady was lovely who came, very understanding and honest, and it makes things seem even a little bit ok when somebody just says 'I can't understand, but I can try'.

Feeling slightly more in touch with reality today and kept myself busy.
Thank you all again.
And thanks for being the friend I can count on Chloe, you are amazing and I can't thank you enough, whether you tell me I shouldn't thank you or not :p.