Contains Abuse - Terrified of physical intimacy...

-Shae-Lynn* · 23-05-2012, 08:47 PM

Hello lovely veteran-zone people,

I've posted in here once or twice in the past but I always feel kind of awkward and guilty doing so because I don't come into this section much and I'm not really a "veteran". Hopefully it's okay that I'm posting here. If not, feel free to ask me to leave. I won't make a scene, promise :)

The reason I've come to you all is because this is a "grown-up" problem and there are quite a few younger members in the general area and to be honest I didn't want to get told by a 15 year old to grow up or that "it's sooo much fun". Yeah, I care what other people think. A lot. Even faceless, anonymous strangers on the internet. I'm kind of pathetic.

I'm twenty-one years old and a virgin. When I was little I decided that I wasn't going to have sex with anyone until I got married. This decision wasn't based upon a religious idea or one planted by my parents. My brother has had sex. He's also gotten drunk and high on many occasions, another thing that I do not plan on ever doing. I just decided one day that the first time I did it I wanted it to be special and not a one-night stand or some boy from school.

I got into a very difficult relationship and ended up getting engaged to a guy. He is 4 years older than I am. He has had sex with a few different girls and while he appreciated the fact that I did not want to have sex until marriage he didn't understand. His theory was that we were engaged, what's the difference. He pushed me a lot into things that I was not comfortable with. He would guilt trip me into doing "favours" for him but I was incredibly stubborn about the fact that I would not have sex with him.

Turns out it was for the best as we broke up only a few months into the engagement. I broke up with him after finally coming to my senses. Best decision I've ever made.

What has now occurred to me is that I am absolutely terrified of basically everything to do with sex. I'm not against masturbation or people watching porn (though I don't watch it), it's just anything that involves another person freaks me out. I don't want to be touched. My friends will give me a hug and it actually makes me so anxious. The idea of having sex scares me a lot. I want to have babies eventually so the whole not having sex thing could put a serious damper on that one.

I really don't know where this is coming from. I was assaulted when I was 13 but it was only touching of my chest and "down there" though he did go inside with his fingers. I wasn't raped. I wasn't held down and beaten. I wasn't left for dead after someone had sex with me. I don't understand why I'm so scared of this.

I have friends who have had sex with tones of boys. Friends who lost their virginity before I even got my period. Friends who are 18 and have babies.

Am I just broken? Or being ridiculous? Is everyone afraid of sex until they do it? While this isn't an issue right now because I don't have a boyfriend nor am I anywhere near getting married, I feel like it could drive a huge wedge into any future relationships.

Casper_Fading · 24-05-2012, 11:10 AM

Have you always been scared of physical intimacy? Or is this since your ex tried to push you into a space you weren't comfortable with? Being touched can be just as traumatizing as being left for dead. Everyone is different. My advice is get some counselling. Try to get down to what is causing the issue for you and then try and get to the bottom of that :) you're not broken.

eye · 24-05-2012, 01:43 PM

I feel for you hunni. I am having much of the same issue with my current boyfriend......A nhs worker decided to as you said not rape me but put his fingers inside me and things and i can't let him touch me or do anything right now. I feel for you hun. I hope things get better. I am currently going through things with my cpn maybe going to see someone would help deal with things....i dunno if it will.

makedamnsure · 24-05-2012, 03:07 PM

I think the only advice I can give is that when you find the person you want to do it with, even though it will still be scary at first, it will be ok, and they should respect you, and take it slow and not hurt you or pressure you or anything.

Afterwards you'll probably wonder what the big deal was about :P

I was always grossed out by sex. I thought it was disgusting and I would never do it, but I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years and he was patient and now I'm fine with sex and enjoy it, and I'm not really sure why I was ever afraid (though still a few issues like touching myself, or masturbating which I will not do).

Casper_Fading · 25-05-2012, 03:10 AM

Just to point out something. And I didn't know this till my gp told me. If someone puts there fingers in you and you don't consent, that is called digital rape. It is a type of rape and can be just as traumatic.

ASkatersDream... · 25-05-2012, 10:33 AM

I could have written this post myself.

I've forced myself to do it quite a few times and i'm still really nervous about it.

If you want to PM me feel free x

Buttercup. · 27-05-2012, 09:34 AM

I definitely understand this. I am also terrified of sex. I mean, I am not a virgin. I've been raped and have been in an intimate relationship, but I would basically just let him do what he wanted to me and I would take xanax and just shut my eyes tight and go off somewhere in my head. I think a lot of my problem has to do with my body dysmorphic disorder and anorexia. I'm so uncomfortable with my body. If I can't even look in the mirror without clothes why would I be okay with somebody else looking at it.

Anyways, have you talked to anybody about or been in therapy for your trauma? Also, have you ever talked with your significant other about your anxieties over intimacy or about your history? If you are in a serious relationship with somebody who respects your decision to wait until marriage, I think it would be a good idea to open up to the person about it. I know it would be super hard, but if it's somebody you love and trust and plan to spend your life with, I think it would be really helpful for you to be able to talk about it and maybe take things slow at a pace you are comfortable with and build up to intimacy.

Just an idea!

pea soup · 10-06-2012, 01:53 AM

Hi there,

I'm not a virgin but am terrified of sex also. I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years now and we have had sex but not often. She is very understanding of my situation. I was raped and I believe you were too. You may not think of it that way but you were traumatized and I believe that may be your issue. I hope you will get some therapy for it. Therapy has helped me a bit but I have been very fortunate that my gf is so understanding. I am gay and even though it isnt the same type of sex, any type of intimacy scares me.
good luck hunni.

loves.
xxxxx