Contains Suicide - Things are not alright

[Sketchy]

I have days were I think I am just being an idiot and that I can make it all stop, but then I get low and become aware things are not alright. The past few days it has often felt as though my heart was pounding. I know things are bad. I have been gathering pills and today I put them together in a box. I have no actual plans to take them, but I don't know why I gathered them, just felt the need to. I cancelled a cpn appointment which I know was stupid, but I couldn't face leaving the flat. There are other appointments I want to cancel, but again I know I shouldn't. One's a blood test, which I can't face because of my arms and fear. I feel so confused, anxious, low, partly wanting to hide away and be self destructive, partly wanting to yell things are not okay. Then there is the part of me that creeps in and says it's all nonsense, there is nothing wrong. I self harmed today and it has not helped, which makes me want to do more damage. I need to try harder to stop but I don't know. I don't know what to do or what I expect from this post. Advice? Kick up the butt?

[Pops.]

Hey lovely. Sorry things are rubbish at the moment. You mentioned that you cancelled the CPN appointment, but have you rearranged it since then? It sounds like it might help to try and explain how things are for you right now, if you feel like you can. I hope you made it to your blood test.

How are you feeling now?

[Sketchy]

Hi, thanks I should be getting another appointment. I have a psychologist appointment next week, so I guess I can maybe try explain things there. The blood test is also next week (it was rescheduled because I chickened out), which I am dreading because my arms are a mess.
I'm actually not sure how I'm feeling just now. I've been trying to distract myself and my sister is coming over early afternoon and will be staying over night, so I guess that will help. There is still that part of me inside that wants to be alone so I can just hide away and be self destructive but I can't let it take over.

[Pops.]

Hey lovely <3 This is a wee bit late but just wanted to ask how you're doing now. Did you manage to get the blood test done and speak to CPN/psych?

Hope you're feeling a bit better xxx

[Sketchy]

Hi, I didn't get the blood test done but I'm due to see the gp next week so I'll talk to him about it then. I saw the psychologist and told her everything. I had a hospital appointment yesterday that I was panicking about but I managed to pluck up the courage to go, even though it meant showing my arms.

I'm not really sure how I'm feeling to be honest. I do have nagging self destructive thoughts at the back of my mind, but I have been able to distract myself a bit better than before.

Thank you for asking.xxx

[Twisted_Illusions]

Well done for going to your appointments love, I know that sometimes it can be so hard to go to those things.

Its good that you've been able to distract yourself, and I hope that you're doing ok.

I just wanted to say that although I can't offer any advice I just wanted to let you know that I think you did so well for going to your appointments. I also need a blood test but keep chickening out, we should kick each other up the butts.

Take care

Em

[Sketchy]

Thanks Em.
Maybe we should kick each other in the butts. I can share your feeling of wanting to chicken out, but I do hope you make it to your appointment. If the gp suggests a blood test again when I see him I'll try my best to go this time.
Thanks for understanding.xxx