Hello everyone wih BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) this thread is to remind you all that you are beautiful even if you can't see it. I hope you're all well and that your illness doesn't affect your life too much. You deserve to walk free without being paranoid one day you'll fight this :)
Chloe
xxxx
just because you've forgotten doesn't mean you're forgiven
I may never have met you in person Emma but I have seen photo's and your posts around ryl and think you are a stunning person inside and out.
huggles all
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
Can I jump on this band wagon? I need "a home" I like how you described it as a phantom disorder. Every time I try to talk about it with someone or do any research, people are like, "... huh?"
I don't have BDD but i can relate so much to the feeling of being ugly. to hate a part of you so much you'll go to any lengths to alter it.
I want to cry everytime I look in the mirror and recently have been so anxious about leaving the house because I'm scared of being judged on the way I look.
Keep strong everyone, you are all so wonderful *hugs* xxx
I don't have BDD but I am anorexic and I have a really low opinion of myself. Just feel so fat and revolting and ugly all the time. I often wish that I could just once see without any bias or distortion, because I know my perception is warped but knowing it doesn't change it.
I think I am lucky in the sense that I still have the willpower to make myself leave the house, even when I don't want to. I am so worried that everyone will hate me if I dont show up that I'd rather be ugly but PRESENT at least, than ugly and hiding at home. I rarely get asked to go out anyway so I just give myself a good 3 hours or so to get ready. I am supposed to meet everyone at 6:30 tonight. It is not quite 3 yet and I have already started getting ready. And you'd think I wouldn't have to worry about makeup because I put some on this morning. But, no - I am asolutely certain that it must have smudged at some point so I have to redo it.
I tend to hide myself in baggy clothes a lot. I'll go through 20 outfits that any normal person would think looks great, but all I see is an ugly, awkward girl trying to be pretty and failing miserably. So I put on baggy jeans, sneakers, and a massively oversized shirt and call it quits because at least that way I can LOOK like I don't care what anyone thinks...
I called my psychiatrist today and told her I don't think the depression meds are working. I actually feel MORE depressed and I am always so angry. Her answer was to cut my pills in half. And I am really confused because I don't see how taking LESS depression medication is supposed to help me. ??? Especially since I was already on the lowest dose. (I've just started a new one.) I thought for sure she'd say to go ahead and double it, but ... cut it in half? Huh?
I've started being unable to leave the house unless I have make up on. I left without today and felt absolutely awful. I missed my art psychotherapy group because I couldn't stand the thought of them all seeing me and judging me. Do you think I should talk to my cpn about my feelings?
It sounds like you have the same symptoms we do, but as I said before I haven't been officially diagnosed. I am not one to tell people to go running to doctors, since you can see how much I dislike mine. But if you are the type that is comfortable with that sort of thing, then I don't see what it could hurt. I have told my psych about my feelings and she thinks it is normal. She tries to belittle everything I say. When I tell her it takes me hours to put on makeup she says, "We all want to look good. Some people spend more time on their makeup than others." No matter what I say, she shrinks it down to "normalcy." It's so frustrating. I am not normal in that regard. This hatred and pure revulsion to myself and the way I look cannot be normal. If it is ... I pity everyone.
On another note, does anyone else have an utterly INSENSITIVE bf/gf? D. knows how I feel about things and we have been fighting SO much over it lately. I told him what I feel would help me and he said, "Ok, I'll try." One of the things that I said would help is for him to express an interest in me/my body but without grabbing at things like he tends to do. I was changing clothes (AGAIN) earlier and he walks in. I told him "don't look!" and instead of him respecting me and leaving me to change he goes, "No, I want to touch your utters."
... Excuse me? My "utters"? So I'm a fat cow now am I? I was so royally pissed at him and I made sure he knew it too. That was NOT the way for him to act. He makes me feel MORE self conscious than I already am!
I don't have an insensitive partner but she is so beautiful and I find myself getting jealous and that just feeds on my insecurities. She always does everything ten times better than me and it makes me feel **** about myself. It's not her fault, it'sme. I need to get over myself
Hey guys, I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I really hope that things get better for you all soon.
Koukai - that sounds very frustrating to have to put in so much preparation to go out. I wouldn't ever leave the house without having a shower and putting make up on. I always feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me. I am able to leave the house without too much anxiety at the moment, but I would not be able to meet up with people my own age. I do a lot of volunteering, so I don't spend time with other 20 year olds and that helps me to feel less self-conscious and self-aware. About your psych... It could be that they are just trying to decrease your anxiety by saying that everyone has these anxieties, but I can understand your frustration. It takes courage to talk about these problems and when the problem isn't recognised and taken seriously it really hurts. Is your psych good otherwise? Or could you see if you could transfer to a different one? I'm so sorry to hear about everything with your partner. Sounds really upsetting. Are they like that a lot or was it just an offhand thing? My boyfriend is generally pretty supportive and understanding, but sometimes he puts his foot in it. It's hard to judge what isn't going to offend me because there are so many sensitive issues. So he might make a joke that normally I would laugh at, but if I'm in a touchy mood I will get really upset and won't be able to stop thinking about it. Especially with food. He's learnt now just to never ever comment on how much I have eaten. One time he said "it's so great to see you eating a bit better" and I freaked and couldn't stop thinking about the comment all day, thinking that he really thought that I was being greedy and getting fat. Of course, he was just trying to be encouraging and supportive.
Emma - might be a good idea to tell your CPN how things are. Even if there isn't much they can do it's best to try and be as honest as you can about what you are going through so they can help you. I'm sorry that you find the art psychotherapy class too difficult to go to. Hopefully things will be easier for you for the next session I'm also sorry to hear about how hard you find things with your partner. I know what you mean, I find myself getting very jealous and insecure with people I am close to and being horrible to them because of it. It's not their fault at all but it's hard to stop myself from the constant comparisons (which of course I always lose in) and control my behaviour because of it.
I'm feeling really fat and sh*tty today. The anorexia has been really hard to deal with the last few days and it's really getting me down. I just can't win. I eat and I'm fat, I don't eat and I'm ill. I'm wearing a skirt and leggings today which feels pretty brave. Normally it's all baggy stuff and of course head to toe coverage of my scars etc. My knees look so knobbly and weird!!
im honestly sooo glad for this thread. i recently got diagnosed with BDD after a long 4 years of suffering and could really do with somebody who understands to chat to! its so confusing am having CBT and meds but it's all a lot to take in. please help! x
Atomics - hope that things are better now from when you posted in the other thread. Are you getting any therapy or anything?
Torn - so glad to hear that you have started getting CBT for what you are going through. I hope that it helps you and that you start feeling more positive very soon. I'm sorry to hear how long you have been suffering.
Just wondering... I've been thinking today about the things I do to myself - how I don't have any respect for my body whatsoever any more. Like with self harm. I just don't give a f**k. Recently I've been wanting to cut my face...! But it's like I've ruined my body so much now it just really doesn't make any difference how much more I ruin it. I'm kind of aware that one day when I'm all grown up and old and better I might regret this attitude but it's hard to think in the long term. Anyone else find they feel like this?
Sorry I've been away for a few days. I'm having a terrible time right now - so terrible that I have (mostly) forgotten about what I look like. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to take my two pet rats in to be euthanized. I may just leave the house without any makeup because I know it will be all runny by the end of things anyway. I've been crying all day off and on...
Anyway, back to the thread. I wanted to comment on Ennui's question. I do not think I have trouble "identifying" myself. Like, if I look in a mirror, no matter what I see I will always know that it is ME. However, the way I seem to function is that if I am away from a mirror for a while, I get this picture in my mind of what I think I look like. And if I can go long enough without seeing a mirror, I can sometimes convince myself that i'm not all that bad-looking. I imagine my features into perfection in my mind and as long as I dont see a mirror, I follow the saying, "ignorance is bliss."
When I do inevitably run across a mirror, it's always, "Oh yeah. I don't look like that. I look like THIS. I *am* ugly..."
I remember that I looked that way this morning when I checked the mirror, but only after a second of thinking back. I always know that it is still me and that is how I look. But I try to pretend otherwise during the time when I am without a mirror. If there were no mirrors in the world I could just pretend to my heart's content and live a perfectly happy normal life. But, unfortunately, that's not the case. And if it were, I think that would probably develop into some weird form of psychosis... -lol-
I hope that made sense. I haven't been able to think straight today what with the rats and all...
Ennui - yeah I know what you mean about the cutting my face. It's such an extreme thing to do and the effects would be so public and long lasting, but I guess that's partly why I feel drawn to the whole thing, just because it's so unacceptable. Not recently, but in the past many many times I've beaten myself up - literally - although normally in a state of dissociation so it's not really *me* doing it... And then I have black eyes and stuff which is pretty embarrassing to explain away the next day.
In response to your question - yes I get frustrated about not knowing what I look like. I often wish that I could just see a snapshot, just once, of what I really look like. My perception of myself is so distorted and warped I actually have no idea what I look like. And the same goes to my body shape - I really don't know what I look like because to me I always look fat. Often I look in the mirror and I don't recognise the person looking back at me. I'm often disgusted by what I see, especially if I am able to recognise the image as being myself. And occasionally, very occasionally, I think the image looks pretty good. Of course on these occasions I don't consider the image as representing *me*. The person in the mirror is a stranger. Have you tried looking at photos of yourself? Sometimes I find it helps to give that bit of distance.
Koukai - I'm so sorry that you've had such a rough day. Sending you loves and comfort and big safe hugs. I hope that you have someone around to help you get through today, and we are here for you. Hang on in there.
I'm feeling really weary of everything today. My ED is just so up and down and out of control and I'm just sick of it. I just want to be normal and better and happy. More specifically I just do not want to be me.
I thought I was the only one with the urge to cut my face! I'm so gad I'm not eventhough it's a really horrible thing to experience.
I can relate also to the feeling of damaging your body so much it doesn't really matter what else you do to it. I think that's the state of mind I'm in at the moment.
I like how you described it as a phantom disorder. Every time I try to talk about it with someone or do any research, people are like, "... huh?"
![[Fog]'s Avatar](images/avatars/12 - Copy.gif)
But if you are the type that is comfortable with that sort of thing, then I don't see what it could hurt. I have told my psych about my feelings and she thinks it is normal. She tries to belittle everything I say. When I tell her it takes me hours to put on makeup she says, "We all want to look good. Some people spend more time on their makeup than others." No matter what I say, she shrinks it down to "normalcy." It's so frustrating. I am not normal in that regard. This hatred and pure revulsion to myself and the way I look cannot be normal. If it is ... I pity everyone.
I'm also sorry to hear about how hard you find things with your partner. I know what you mean, I find myself getting very jealous and insecure with people I am close to and being horrible to them because of it. It's not their fault at all but it's hard to stop myself from the constant comparisons (which of course I always lose in) and control my behaviour because of it.
