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Graphic - Lost it.
Ok, so sunday evening in completely lost it.
I've always hated the pre-bedtime routine, even since I was little, partly because I have awful night terrors, and the fact that I end up lyin gin bed for hours and hours without sleeping.
But this wasn't really about going to bed. It was ust everything building up, and up, and then I kinda ust snapped. I must have looked like I was insane, because I was rocking back and forth, screaming, and trying so hard to hold back tears that my head throbbed. I felt like when my head hurt like that it was everything, EVERYTHING I was holding back, not saying, hiding all bundled up into one tiny unit of time and space. I started throwing pillows, trying to get that sheer anger out of me, then I started punching myself, and thats when my mom stopped me. Then I finally broke down sobbing, and I just....couldn't handle it. I told her everything, (she already knew about the cutting) but I told her about how my mood swings control my life, how every single day I thin of suicide. It was...kinda awful.
But the weirdest thing was, through all of that, not once did I feel inclined to cut. I've usually just cut when I'm feeling really blank and dissasociated, one one of my "lows" and it kinda wakes me up a bit. Then when I'm angry, but with too much feeling and energy I usually binge and purge. at that moment I couldn't imagine cutting myself, it seemed such a insubstantial thing to all the feeling I was feeling. I felt like nothing would ever, ever be enough.
Has anyone else had this?
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