I used to be a diagnosed schizophrenic. I had to take drugs to stop me having episodes, and these drugs would put me in a semi-conscious state. I had to take them every Monday, Wednesday and Friday night. I did this for around 3 months without incident. Then one day, my sister found me in this state. She came into my room, sat on my bed and began kissing me. I couldnt fight her off, i was too weak. But i was aware of what she was doing. Far too aware. She began to undress herself, and then me. Then she began to work my penis until i became erect. Then she raped me.
This continued 3 days a week for almost a year. The longer it went on, the more i came to 'accept' it. I was too afraid for my sanity to stop taking the drugs. I was too humiliated to tell anyone.
The DNA evidence was later used to convict me of rape. She was fostered because i was deemed to be a danger to her health. I tried to tell the authorities and my parents that it was her... But they didn't believe me. At 12, i became an alcoholic and drug abuser. I also self harmed - long, deep and many. About 2 years ago i packed in the drugs and the drink, and i haven't cut myself for about 2 - 3 months.
She came back to mt house to stay for a week. Three nights in a row she has drugged my food and raped me. I always thought she did it back then to get fostered, but now i just don't know. I don't understand.
I feel guilty, like i let her rape me... I took the drugs, i made myself vulnerable even though i knew what would happen. I was humiliated, i didn't tell anyone. How could i? My 9 year old sister overpowered me... I was too embarassed to say it. My parents didn't believe me... I lost all faith in them. They didn't protect me from her. Why did i get erect? Am *I* a sick pervert? Did i secretly want it to happen?
Help me.
- James
Saving the world, one person at a time...
Never let go!! There's always a reason to carry on the fight.
Hey there James, first of all welcome to RYL. I hope you find what you're looking for here.
Okay, sweetie, there is no way you 'wanted' it. Our bodies are biologically programmed to react to stimulus, which is why you got an erection. You're not sick, I promise you.
You weren't in a right state to stop her, and while you feel guilty for 'letting' her do this, you couldn't stop her while on the medication. And I can understand feeling too humiliated to tell anyone - male rape is a huge taboo - but it does happen more often than people think. You are not alone.
I'm so proud that you've kicked the drugs/drink and you've come so far in battling the SI. Massive *huggles* for you hun, I know it's not easy. Be really pleased with yourself as it's a huge accomplishment.
Please take care of yourself; you deserve so much better than this. Feel free to PM me if you want ot chat or anything xxx
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
You arn't sick at all. You getting erect wasn't your fault. Do you get erect all on your own? You can just think it and do it.. It's a reaction to something happening. And it's not your fault.
Just like pain. When I fall down, It Hurts!!!! Did I want it to hurt? No. Did it hurt anyway? Yes. It was a reaction to the pain, I couldn't control it! You can't control that.
I'm So sorry that that had to happen. But dont think that it's your fault huni.. It wasn't my fault when my best friends 40 year old father fingured me and I struggled, but it still felt good.
See, now i'm just confused. Scared? A little, i guess. Vulnerable? Maybe. Hurting? When am i NOT hurting. But mostly, i'm confused.
I talked to my sister about it. I faced her downm i mean for f***s sake, she comes up to my shoulder and couldn't swing a baseball bat hard enough to hurt me.
I asked her why she did it. Why she did it, even though it hurt me. She said she just wanted to show me she loved me... That she never realised it hurt me. Then i asked her why she did it again recently even though i showed her love and kindness when mum walked out 3 days ago. She said she was trying to thank me, give me what every guy wants. I asked her why she carried on (the first times) even though i fought against her... And she told me that i never fought back. The thing is, i can't remember if i did or didn't... Maybe she's telling the truth? Then i asked her why the recent times, she had to drug me. She said i would have stopped her if she didn't, but that deep down i wanted it as much as she did.
Maybe she's not so wrong... Maybe she *did* have good intentions... Maybe i never fought back. Couldi have avoided this if i'd just let her join in with my games as kids? If i'd just shown her some love, and not beaten her up? Is this my fault? Did i sow the seeds in her for my own rape?
And i want to forgive her so much... But i don't. Help, i'm confused...
- James
Last edited by Perfect_Disaster : 28-09-2007 at 08:46 AM.
Reason: picture perfect, worthless. broken.
Saving the world, one person at a time...
Never let go!! There's always a reason to carry on the fight.
it's understandable that you're confused, but in reality i think your sister is just playing games. even at 9 she understood what she was doing was wrong, and the fact that she has no guilt over getting you into trouble doesn't really say much about her. she has given you no reason to forgive what she did, maybe if she acknowledged the hurt and fear she caused you and said sorry, maybe then you could work on the forgiveness. but i don't forgive my abuser, and it doesnt mean you can't heal.
if your not safe around her it might be an idea if she doesnt stay with you, but that is upto you.
just remember you did nothing wrong, you are the victim. maybe finding someone to talk to about this might be a good idea.
take care xoxoxox
Do not follow the common path.....go where there is no path and leave a trail.....
Is there anyone you can talk to about this? I think the appropriate authorities need to listen again to your side of the story. With all abusers - & that is what she is - there is always a very real possibility of her hurting somebody else.
There is also the fact that you will now have 'rape' on your record & this is in no way fair to you. What if it stops you getting into uni/getting a job? Is it really fair that she should do that to you?
I think your sister needs help. Whether she had good intentions or not, what she did is wrong & she cannot be allowed to think that it is ok & to manipulate you into not saying anything. You say you can forgive her & that's ok if you want to do that but she really needs to be able to understand that what she did is wrong & she cannot let you take the blame & consequences for her actions that have torn your family apart.
Please look after yourself whilst she is there x x
I'm starting counselling on thursday so i'll try and... Well i don't exactly know but i'll try something. She's leaving in about 2 hours... This is throwing up so many different emotions in my head... But i can't isolate them to deal with this. Guilt for wanting to forgive her, fear that i may not get the chance to do it, loss now that she's leaving, anger at her for everything, and about a hundred others...
I just need to chill out... Tai Chi time i think.
- James
Saving the world, one person at a time...
Never let go!! There's always a reason to carry on the fight.
