Schizoaffective disorder and relapse.

[Aubergine]

I've got a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder: depressive type. It's pretty well controlled with medication - I have very few breakthrough symptoms and live a full and active life most of the time. Relapse worries me though and the possibility is always at the back of my mind.

Relapse, for me, tends to be pretty bad. I've been sectioned, at my home, four out of the past five times and put on the locked ward twice. I've lost my home, jobs, my friends and some of my family because of my behaviour. Picking up the pieces is so exhausting for me and everyone around me.

I guess in part, it's good that I'm mindful that I may become unwell again - it means I look out for the warning signs and so may be able to prevent a full on mad attack. At the same time, being vigilant sucks. I don't want to have to think about it. I'm 24 and life my life like someone much older because I'm so scared of going mental.

I've been in hospital once a year every year for the past four years. I feel like I'm just waiting for this year's admission to happen and it sucks.

[Duck]

I feel like that sometimes. It helps me to think that actually, relapse isn't the worst possible thing that could happen. For me, spending all my time sat at home never doing anything because I am scared would be even worse.

I try to do a bit of 'positive risk taking' - think about something I want to do but I am scared I won't manage, and discuss with my MH team & friends what steps I could take towards it, what sort of support I'd need, how I'd know if things were going wrong, & so on.

This year I started back at uni. The first term did not go so well, I got sectioned six weeks in. That was crap, but I got out of hospital again. Second term has gone a lot better, I managed going to all my lectures.

Failing things or 'messing up' or being ill can be horrible, but it is not the end of the world. If you've been really unwell and come back from that, give yourself some credit for it - you're tough and determined and if you really have to you can do it again.

[Aubergine]

Thanks Duck. I appreciate your response.

I like the idea of positive risk taking. I guess I already do it in a way as I have a couple of volunteer roles on the go and am looking for paid employment. Those are positive risks, right?

My care team are against paid employment as it's the pressure that makes my symptoms escalate. I can't live on the dole forever though, can I? I feel like I've been retired before I've started. I don't want this to be my life.

I shouldn't complain. I'm really very well. Like I said, I live a full and active life. It's just that I seem to have this cloud hovering over me and I'm waiting for it to rain.

[Duck]

That's a shame that your care team don't support you looking for paid work. Maybe you could discuss with them what sort of work might suit you, and how you could be helped to stay well in it?

I do one evening a week paid work at my church. This suits me well because they know I've had problems and it is very low pressure.

Mostly I do volunteering though, but I try to volunteer specifically for things that will be useful in the future career I want. I might not be able to manage paid work just now, but in a few years I will have a much better CV for the career I want than someone who had just had to take any paying job they could find.