Hmmm, i'm not sure what i want from this post, kinda hoping for some advice i think. I didn't think anything would come of this it seems like ages since i went to my GP and she refered me to CMHT for an assement. I got a letter about it the other day much to my surpise. Appointment is next week and i'm dreading it for many reasons. Maybe i should just cancel it, i dunno.
For starters it's to see two people not just one person and that sends my anxitey levels though the roof it makes it ten times harder for me to be able to talk and not just sit there like a fool shrugging. So many issues. What do i say? Do i even want this, or do i want to be left to self distruct? What if they say there is nothing they can do then where does that leave me? What if i screw it up and end up sat there saying nothing it will come across as though i'm difficult when that's not the case, i can't help it, it just happens. Am i ready for this, if not when will i ever be?
What do i say, i know one of the things there going to ask is how can we help, what's the problem and so on and i simply don't know how to anwser that i don't think i even know the anwser, i'm just going to end up saying nothing like always, i'll just freeze. Maybe it's just a waste of there time. How can anyone help if i don't know the problem myself, or if i'm unable to voice my thoughts and feelings.
I'm not sure what to do, or what i want. I know i can't go on like this, well i could but it wont end well, But then on the other hand maybe i don't care, maybe i don't want change, maybe i'm ok with this i've accepted that i'm never going to get anywhere.
I'm scared i'm worried, i'm not sure what i want from this post. Maybe someone to just tell me what to do, what i should do. What will happen at this assement thing. I'm not sure i can go though with this when such a big part of me feels like giving up and like i don't desevre the help. Maybe i'm actually ok and i just need to pull myself together. So confused.
*There is always light at the end of the tunnel, even though we may not be able to see it.*
The first appointment is an assesment and I know it's terrifying, but please go. It is usually 2 people at the assesment, but if you continue to go there then it is 1. They are used to people finding it difficult to speak and being silent. I still find it hard to talk to them, but they help prompt you. As for knowing how they can help you, yes I found that difficult too. You can tell them what you have said here, or you could write it down. You say you cannot go on like this, so it is really important to go. I can relate to the feeling of being unsure about changing, but being unsure is common and it sounds like there is a part of you wanting to fight this. Stay strong and try your best to attend and listen to the part of you that wants to change. Good luck.x
Thanks for the reply. Still feel very mixed about the whole thing, maybe i've bitten off more than i can chew here. In theory at the time it kinda seemed like the right thing to argee to this but that was then and this is now. I'm not sure i want this anymore. I'm not sure i'm ready or willing to comit to this right now.
My distructive head seems to be competly taking over. Blah guess i kinda like the fact that i'm so close to competly self distructing i dunno if i'm willing to give that up. You have to want to help yourself don't you and that small part of me that maybe wants to is over shadowed by such a big part of me that just doesn't care. Maybe i'm just not ready for this or is that me just taking the easy option i dunno.
I just have this gut feeling that if i go it's going to go terribly wrong, i know it's just a feeling put i can't shake it. I know how it's going to look like i'm being pathetic which really thinking about it i am. I should be able to get a grip on my own emotions and feeling and stop acting like such a prat.
Going or not going either thing seems like such a big risk, i don't go i risk getting worse and so on. I do go and it could go oh so wrong and being realistic not sure i can cope with that right now it could be just the thing that tips me over the edge.
I'm not sure what i'm going to do yet, maybe i'll decide on the day. How did i get myself into this mess, i'm meant to be over all this, i should be able to cope on my own. I don't do making desions, why is this so hard.
*There is always light at the end of the tunnel, even though we may not be able to see it.*
Feeling mixed up about it is understandable and so is that feeling of not sure if ready to commit. Lets face it, we have found a coping mechanism, so why give that up if it helps? But then if we keep going on with coping this way, then it can get worse, there are risks and it is an unhealthy way to cope, so I guess for that reason you should go. I have parts of me that doesn't want to stop, but like you there is also the worry of things getting worse, so help is important. As for making decisions, I find that hard and I know it is a symptom of my depression. It's not something to blame yourself for. You clearly have a lot on your mind so you are bound to find it difficult. I found myself extremely nervous at the assessment but they are used to it and it's quite natural. I hope you find the strength to go. There is no shame in asking for help. I think it's brave of you to reach out and ask for it.
Most importantly, you are NOT pathetic or a prat! When we feel low these negative thoughts can come flooding in, but they are just thoughts, NOT facts. I have been told this by a psychologist and trying to remind myself of this is something I find incredibly difficult, but it does help.
Take care and if you have any questions feel free to ask.xx
Not long now, i'm trying to rationalize it in my head, go with the thinking that if i go i'm not actually comitting to anything i can always change my mind. I know not a good idea but thinking like that kinda helps. Canceling at this point isn't going to go down well it would be way to much short notice, stupid bank holiday maybe it's a good thing in a way though.
I have no idea how i'm going to get though the next day mainly tomorrow night i really don't do well under pressure. I tend to crumble and act without thinking, really need to try avoid that. Wish the appointment wasn't first thing, somehow i have to manage to be sober at a time when i'd normally be very drunk and just heading to bed, ( i know i have one very screwed up sleep pattern lol.)
Need to try set myself some ground rules, or have some kinda plan in place. Wow i should be careful i'm nearly sounding productive here haha.
Thanks for all the advice really helped me put things into prospective and ease my worry a bit. Will update with how it goes if i go.
*There is always light at the end of the tunnel, even though we may not be able to see it.*
First thing can be good because then you are not worrying about it. I know what you mean about sleep patterns, but try go to bed the night before at a reasonable time, maybe listen to your favorite music, have a bubble bath before hand. Good luck.xx
Welll it was erm intresting lol. Least i made it there just. Feeling like such a failure for screwing up so much last night/this morning things didn't go to plan i lost my head and well was still tipsy for the appointment, that didn't go down very well. So stupid i'm so stupid and such a failure couldn't even remain sober for one evening or at least not drink such a stupid amount.
As for the appointment itself, hmmm, have a lot of mixed feelings about it. It went okish i guess. Managed to speak a bit granted not much but a bit is better than nothing at all right? Felt so intregated, so many questions. Felt like such a fraud, like i shouldn't be there. Kinda got the impression they felt the same when they where repeating back what i had said and there opinions it just sounded so pathetic. It didn't help that they kept making jokes about the situation, maybe they where just trying to keep the conversation light whatever it was they where trying to do there i didn't like it. Maybe they where being serious it's possible and queit understandable. Also what's with the trying to relate thing i hate that know one can relate to me espiceally someone i have just met that doesn't even know the full story.
Blah so this is what's happening now something about i'll get a letter with another appointment to discuss in more detail where we go from here. Will i go i'm not sure yet, decide on that at a later date for now i just want to forget the whole thing.
Wish i could forget the whole thing can't stop thinking about it and what was said it's driving me mad. I'm emotional exhusted with it all, feel so tired, can't sleep not yet my head is spining too much for sleep. Feel so on edge and like the slightest thing could send me spiraling out of control like the last few nights. In a way i want that i desevre to hurt i need to let go, need some sort of relive. Not sure drinking is going to do the trick on it's own. Trying to stay distracted but it's so hard when i could so easy fix this situation and not have to put myself though all this mental torment.
Blah i'll stop now this has turned into one long ramble which properly makes little sense.
*There is always light at the end of the tunnel, even though we may not be able to see it.*
First of all, well done for going. that wasn't exactly an easy thing to do, so you have been incredibly brave. Now it's a case of waiting. Try not to over analyze the assessment. It's a scary and confusing process, but you are not a fraud and they won't see you as that. You are clearly in great distress and in need of help. You haven't done anything wrong and you are not a failure. They just now need to discuss how they can help you, so try to be patient and stick in there.
Can I ask, are you getting help for the drinking?
Distractions are a good idea. What about writing a big list of distractions (practical and enjoyable) that you can look at and maybe attempt when these thoughts appear?
Try not to worry. I always think to myself, they've seen so many people that they've most likely seen: worse, better, sillier, crazier and people that are harder to talk to than me. At the end of the day they want to help. If thats what you want then try and make yourself goto appointments. Take care.
I'm trying not to worry about it too much or over think it so easier said than done. I don't feel brave i feel blah can't find the words right now. My minds gone to mush.
As for the help with the drinking thing nah not getting any, personally don't really see it as much of an issue i can go without if i really have too. Turned down the whole seeing someone thing about it when it was offered to me end of last year. Maybe i'm just not ready to admit it might be becoming a problem, yet to decide on that one.
Wonder what happened to urges becoming less over time, that doesn't seem to be happening. Feel like i'm fighting a loosing battle here. Least i've managed to get some sleep, not sure if that's a gd thing since i'm now wide awake home alone and left thinking. It's so much harder to fight when there is know one about and i could so easy do whatever i please. Don't have to worry about people seeing me fall apart or being caught/stopped. Really thinking about it now is a perfect time to fall apart. Almost as if this is meant to be.
I don't have the brain power or insentive to come up with a list of distractions right now, feel like i've been on distraction mode for far too long already. Something to do when i'm more with it i think.
*There is always light at the end of the tunnel, even though we may not be able to see it.*
