There isn't many words for this but then there are so many. I just don't have them.
I heard yesterday...
I haven't harmed but want to. Being diagnosed with diabetes gives me a pathetic leeway into self harm since I get to stick myself to check my sugar.
I know I've lost him now...and I'm at bottom. There is no redemption, no recovery from this. I'm tired of fighting constantly. I want it to consume me...get it over with and let me disappear into fantasy forever.
You can refuse it, I suggest you do because keith needs time to think this through and during that time needs to try and fail'at having a relationship with you. Its likely they will say keith is too old, it takes years for non urgent adoption - he's safe, not at risk etc he'll be at the end of the queue and might be 18before it happens.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Trying to figure out if you wrote this before or after we talked on facebook... I really hope it was before. He hasnt asked to be adopted becasue he hates you or becasue he doesn't want you to be his mother anymore. He has asked because it will make things easier with college and insurance and also so he knows he'll always have a place with leanne. This a big decision and you need to sit down with keith and your aunt and uncle and a neutral third party to discuss it. Sitting down with just your aunt and uncle and keith wont work becasue the situation will turn volatile (as it has many times for you in the past). There are mediators in the phone book and online. People that train on how to do this. I suggest you look one up and contact them. Also Keith is getting to the age where he can just have himself emancipated. He's not doing this becasue he doesn't love you. And doing it doesn't mean he doesn't want you to be his mother anymore. Make plans to sit down and discuss this. It is a long process and there are issues involved. You're not losing him.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
today has been really hard..things just really sinking in.I'm just sadness. It just brings 10 years ago all back again even though it isnt the same...it feels like it.
really sad and no good today...but I will get through it. but the last few days I havent let myself feel much and today I couldnt hold back the feelings anymore....like a gut punch. so much to process and so many things just lingering, plus the major diet change and fluctuations in blood sugar havent helped at all.
*squishes you* Rach honey, this sounds like it must be really difficult for you. Not knowing the total situation but I must say I agree with jess on this. You have not really said why YOU think he may be asking to be adopted though? Why rationally do you think he wants to be and what does it mean to you if he does? X
He has said that it will help with college because my uncle works for the state university and his children get 50% off, so Keith would need to legally be his...plus insurance would be improved. Keith has a low income insurance while the rest of them are covered under my uncle's which is great.
also, I have found recently that he want to escape the "Fletcher Curse". I think in his mind, if he isnt a fletcher anymore, he wont be a failure. Our family tree is full of mental illness, drug addicts, and alcoholics. He is learning this as he gets older.I know its just a name but its important to him.
I know he loves me. He told my aunt he was afraid this would upset me too much but I will hold it together for him.
In my heart, I believe also that my being a lesbian is shameful to him, and he is afraid for my soul, literally. I want him to be happy and to have the best opportunities available, so I am willing to do this for him after everything is discussed and we all agree.
It's just been such a shock...shock of my life..shock that is going to take time to get through. and definitely more therapy.
Rach I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. It does not sounds like this is an emotional decision for Keith though or really has anything to do with his feelings for you. Adoption is a really emotionally charged word but it does not have to be the end of your relationship with your son honey. He will still be your baby no matter what and it sounds like between you and the people he lives with, a thoughtful, intelligent and hopeful young man is emerging. He is thinking about his future and the practicalities of that. This decision does not mean he does not love you or consider you his Mum. This must be really difficult for you hit I do think you are doing the right thing by going along with his (rational decision) xxx
im sick today. my sugar shot up really high last night, my vision got blurry and my whole body felt like it was vibrating. scared me...and ive been nauseated all day.
kelly has Kaleb's easter basket ready and it makes me sad.
Have a look at this beepollen super shake its supposed to be amazing for sugar levels for type 2 people the ingredients sound wacky but lots of health food shops sell them love you rachie, happy easter - maybe bake some think with cocoa and splenda in to join in on chocolste day? Love ya x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
I'm really down.
don't know what to do. don't know what to ask for. don't know what help I need. I wish I still had my social worker. He was my rock but he's gone.
I'm so sad. did something I'm ashamed of but it wasn't si. drugs. but I'm under control now as far as that goes.
I'm worried I'll never get better. I'm only living for keith and that's no life.
We all live for our family, you know you've done your best for him, and he knows that too. You didn't give him up because you're a bad mom, you did it because through no fault of your own you were too ill to look after him. And he's a smart beautiful boy x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
crazy in my brain. havent slept all night. scared of the upcoming decisions.
scared of living even though I have to. I just want to hide in bed. but Kaleb will be getting up soon and he keeps me going. I cant deny a child. so I make sure everything is taken care of for him. I love him but I feel guilty for it. the longer im here, the more I love him. he's 8 now and almost finished with 2nd grade.
someone, something, whatever being is out there, whatever created me..please help.
Oi. Stop. It. Rachel you are more than worth the time. I wish I could wave my wand and fix everything. But you KNOW that Keith still loves you. Or he'd say "I want to be adopted and I don't care what you think". But he didn't say that did he. It's obviously a hard choice for him as well. He KNOWS you. How hard must it been for him to tell you that he wants to be adopted, when he knows that you're gonna think it's cause you're horrible and he hates you... But he thinks it's the best thing for him. And it does NOT make you childless. He will always be your son. He's not gonna start calling your aunt mum. You will always be his mum. Did you write that list of questions and stuff you wanted to talk about and clarify with Keith and your aunt and uncle? I know you told me you were going to do it. But I also know you kinda crashed and are now in a spiral of self hate and loathing. So. I want you to give yourself a shake. Look at yourself in the mirror and say this "When my son was young I made one of the hardest decisions in my life and asked my aunt and uncle to raise my son because it was the best thing for him. I've had to watch from a distance as he has grown into an amazing young man. But I know he loves me. Now he is thinking about his future and is asking me to make the second hardest decision in my life and let his aunt and uncle adopt him. This will NOT change my role in his life. I will always be his mother. This decision will help him have an even brighter future. But I will always be his mother".
Keith will always be your son. Write down your fears, tell your aunt and uncle that you want to sit down with a mediator (neutral party) and discuss EVERYTHING!!!! If you sit and continue to stew on this without discussing it you're going to end up in hospital or worse. It's hard. The hardest decision you'll ever have to make. But it's time to be pro active about this. You have a say in this. It can't happen without your say. SO. What is your choice Rach? To let this destroy you? And what will happen to your son if you do that? Or are you going to own this issue and do everything you can to make it the best decision for everyone, especially you and your son.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
One more thing. Do you think Keith would be so petty as to hate you because you love another child? Does loving Kaleb mean you love Keith less? You probably couldn't raise Kaleb by yourself. But you're not. You're raising him with Kelly. A mothers love is bottomless. I bet Keith would be so proud of you that you're well enough to help raise a little boy.
You don't have to live Rachel. You can always choose to just give up. No one is forcing you to be here. And if you were well and truly sick of living, nothing would stop you. And you KNOW this. So you say to yourself "i'm TIRED. But i'm HERE. I'm tired. But i'm STRONG." because you are strong. You are here. You're tired but you haven't quit. And not only are you here you're UP and doing stuff! Maybe that is just helping a little boy get ready for school. But that is something more than just lying in bed or sitting on the sofa. Isn't it? Focus on what you ARE doing. Instead of what you aren't. You are here. You are STRONG. You are amazing.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Thank you all. and yeah, it has consumed me. I cant sit down with them until they have time off work and keith is out of school, etc....so it still is all hanging in the balance and that is frustrating. I want to get it over with. I've accepted that I'm going to do it based on what Keith says.
I'm just having alot of trouble right now. Kelly and I have been snapping at each other. my fluctuating sugar makes me feel crazy. and the new diet has made me feel really weak. It's just taking time.
love you girls.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
oh..and umm.i have no memory of that last post where my typing was off...was probably taking something..sorry.
