Hard to believe

AMS1 · 02-04-2012, 11:52 PM

Hi - I've not been here for so long and I find it hard to believe that I managed to stop SH for about 18 months as my son was getting married and I was so embarrassed with myself that I did all I could to get my scars to heal.

I've found it a daily mountain to climb and at times was reduced to other things like eating chocolate too much in an attempt to help. However I'm now fat and Sh again. Twice in the last few days and the agony of trying to hide it from my husband is killing me. I hate myself so much and am having a struggle on all fronts. I hate to admit it but it felt good at the time - a relief really. Oh I just don't understand myself.

My live is so limited by agoraphobia and panic and anxiety that I wonder what I'm working so hard for. Just trying to reach out for some support.

kookydoll · 18-04-2012, 10:12 PM

Hey, sorry you're struggling. I think sometimes when you give up one destructive coping mechanism without getting enough help or developing healthy strategies then it's easy to end up replacing the SH with something else destructive. I put on a lot of weight when I cut back on SH a while ago. I guess it's about trying to deal with the underlying problems that are making you destructive.
I don't know if your husband knows by now but if not, might he be able to support you if you stopped hiding this from him?
I hope things get better for you.
TC

AMS1 · 19-04-2012, 09:48 AM

Thank you for replying to my thread - even the fact nobody replied til now has made me feel unloved and a nuisance.

You are right about my husband in theory but it upsets him so much that I am very retiscent to divulge too much to him. It gets that he's frightened to leave me alone to go to work. I have a psychologist who I'd love to be able to open up to but we are working on other things so that diverts the attention away from being able to broach more difficult things.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

kookydoll · 29-04-2012, 11:58 PM

Sorry you're feeling unloved and a nuisance. I think it's the effect of having such a big website- there are so many members and so many forums that it seems like stuff just gets lost or overlooked sometimes :-/
I know it's hard to open up to people sometimes. I hope you manage to talk to your husband or psychologist at some point.
TC

AMS1 · 30-04-2012, 11:13 AM

You are right of course but I think my world shrinks so much because I'm agoraphobic and have a life I hate so much that everything becomes a big deal. I've had a very hard weekend having spent much of it on my own as my husband was at a conference. We were going to stay with my closest friend but she couldn't have us at the last minute. She and I have never had a cross work in the 28 years I've known her but I decided she wasn't speaking to me as she didn't phone when she said she would. I realise I was being very selfish and she had a lot going on in her life too.

Lots going on this week so hopefully it will be a bit more fun and not as long on my own..

Thank you

Fire Fly · 30-04-2012, 11:35 AM

Hi,
Im really really sorry that no one replied to you sooner. Does your husband know that you used to cut? Maybe tell him your past and explain its the way you cope with it.

You have said your psycholgist is focusing on other things at the moment. If you have started cutting again then you should get this sorted before you find it hard to stop again. If you place new mechanism into place to cope - will that help? If you talk to your husband about it and when you really feel the urge to cut and he supports you and just keeps an eye- would that help?

Hopefully your safe and alright
x

AMS1 · 30-04-2012, 12:56 PM

My husband knows that I used to self harm - it would have been impossible for him not to. However I'd managed to stop for about 18 months and in that time he told me how much it upset him and my sons when I did SH. I don't think anyone can understand how you can be backed into a corner where the best thing to do for me is SH. It's such a hard thing to explain and I don't think I want to anyway. I'm sure he knows that I've had a really hard few weeks and at the weekend with it but chooses not to comment. It's all very awkward and receitful on my part.

Thank you for replying and I will try and tell him.