Getting older.

[Kimaru]

I know it's really shallow of me but the idea of turning 20 this year is making me very uncomfortable. I keep thinking that I shouldn't be 20 and I should kill myself before it happens. In my mind being 20 seems to equate to finally having to be an adult, but I can't imagine going into adulthood like this. Every time I think of my birthday I just keep thinking that I can't let it happen, better dead than 20. It's really stupid, it's sill considered as being young.

At every birthday I remember that I was supposed to be dead at 15, that was my plan. It didn't work out and now I'm still here, I never planned for any sort of future and I still have no idea what to do with my life. I keep thinking that if I didn't succeed at 15, why not at 20 a nice even 5 years later? My birthday is still 8 months away but I'm kind of scared, this is the first time that I've had a concrete date since I tried at 15...I feel like my time should have been up then and I've been waiting until the time was right to do it again...and succeed this time.

I guess I just need some support or advice or whatever...you know, nice things.

[Tig]

Hey,

I can relate to the thoughts of thinking you were going to be dead at a certain age and getting to the next birthday and thinking "But I was meant to be dead when I was X". For me, I never believed I would make it to 16, let alone 18 and then suddenly it was my 21st etc. Each year on my ipod it comes up as my birthday if I am alive (very negative attitude I have!) so I can see where you are coming from.

However, I don't think it means you have to kill yourself and though it would make a 'neat' number of 5 years it doesn't have to happen. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad though about turning 20. It sounds like you are finding it a scary prospect and I wish I had some advice on that. The only thing I can say is, honestly, nothing changes overnight. Do you know what I mean? You will be 20 - it's just a number, but the changes are going to come from within and through working through your illness not because of age.

Thinking of you and I'm sorry if my reply is a bit useless. x

[PassedExpectations]

i can understand this. the last couple birthdays i've had have started me feeling like all of a sudden i'm meant to be all grown up, and totally freaked me out.... i've tried to turn the "i'm meant to be dead by now" thoughts into "wow, i'm still here, thats a big accomplishment that i didn't think i would manage to do. i must be stronger than i think"

[Whispered Secret]

Everybody at uni when they turned 20 was like "it's shit" and I felt very simillar. And then when I turned 21 I felt like I had to be a proper adult all of a sudden. I think it's a natural progression and a natural feeling of angst. Please hang on in there sweet. Growing up is a difficult process and I feel your pain, but maybe treat it as a positive. Look at things you can now do because you're older and ways you can take responsibility to turn things around? xx