Its been a while since I was on here, feel bad for not offering you guys support when u have been so good to me over the years. Started seeing new therapist, real hard ass but seems good, but she is triggering me and I hate her for it, she seems nice enough but I just think she is doing more harm. Rough few weeks, feel like getting worse again and I have started thinking what's the point? I can't help anyone, I make things worse all the time and fallen out with everyone who I care about. I can't talk to them, I need to protect them from me, thisw evilness of mine seeps out of my pores and I look at myself sometimes and I think i can actually see myself dying, stopped looking after myself completely now and i just want to say to everyone that I am so sorry for not being sdtriong enough to fight this or not caring enough to try harder i dunno but I'm walking around in a bubble and I am done. I promised myself I wouldn't love or care about anyone ever again but I find myself doing just that and as soon as I realise that I hurt them with my stupid words or my inability to open up to them, i never find the right words and I see so much hurt in their faces that I get scared and pretend everything is okay again. Nearly drove into another car last night - god, how selfish am I?!! another person was in that car, maybe a family, maybe a mum or someon's brother, i dunno i just thought this could be it it would all be over and i would be able to sleep. am so tired and the thought scared me. i sleep but feel no better. i don't know what to do. feel selfish writing this but am so alone that it helps to know i guess that i am not completely.
First, you having a rough time does not mean you aren't strong. In my eyes, I find the fact that you still being here and asking for help from this site and in real life shows a lot of strength. I can relate to a lot of the things you have mentioned in your post. You said your therapist has been triggering you, is there anything specific she is doing to cause more harm then good? You could always talk to her about how she is making you feel and see what things could be done so that you may feel better. Also, you aren't alone in this. People on this site are willing to support you through this.
i'm sorry that you're struggling so much. do you know what sort of treatment your therapist is trying to use with you? certain treatments, for anxiety and ocd type things often, involve facing fears and making oneself go into situations that are uncomfortable, and trigger them, but not so much that they can't resist the urges that come with them. the idea of this is to desensitize the person to the stimuli... if this is the type of treatment (probably CBT or ERP) that your therapist is using, it isn't uncommon for them to push you farther than you feel comfortable.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I'm sorry to hear that things are so tough, it can be really difficult when our illness causes us to push people away, however that is fixable, maybe contact the people you really want to sort things out with and explain why you have been acting the way you have? I highly doubt you are evil or bad or any other negative thing you think about yourself, the fact that you are worrying about how much you are or are not supporting people despite your own pain shows what a lovely caring and compassionate person you are.
Could you possibly talk to your therapist about how you feel and see if together you could come up with some coping techniques for the thoughts and feelings that the therapy is causing?
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
Thank you guys for the support you offered, the last week kinda went from bad to worse but I got through the other end so I guess that is something. Am gonna talk to my therapist this week about how might re-think stuff, and I do feel more positive now I think but part of my thinks - just stop this now, you can end it all and it will be for the best, u r not gonna be able to keep fighting just give it up. I guess i gotta be stronger i dunno but thanks again guys for making lonely time not so lonely xx
