If I don't kill myself, my family will. And If my family doesn't. By law the country will. HELP.
Hello, I'd like to first note that I want a solution for my problem, not pity nor unwanted attention. All I want is a solution.
Because the only solution I can see is suicide. I don't want to die before not living. But I need to because my parents will kill me instead.
At first I'd like to paint an image of how my life begun and how it became now My dad has finished college of medicine in his country
and had an arranged marriage which became successful and they had me after a year. After two years he went to get a scholarship in
Vancouver BC, Canada. As a two year old in Canada I've lived a very normal life other than seeing my mother deal with depression.
She was frightened and could not cope with the western society as she has lived her entire life in her country. It was rather strange
for her also because she separated from her family and could not seem them only once for two years.
I was surprised of my vivid memory as a three year old waking up in the middle of the night seeing my mother sleeping in the couch
I got out of bed since my dad left the bedroom checking on my mother. I heard the conversation. In a tearful tone she said '' Why
have I married you? You're the reason I can't see my family anymore. I hate you! I wish I never married you." Now, I think. It's
natural she was 21 and it was uncommon to be separated from your family while living in a foreign country. I remember my mother
was too depressed she wanted to die. She used to go to a therapist. She was home sick. She tried to hide but I could see right through it.
It all lasted for 8 years. In these 8 years I got into a Muslim school. I wore the Hijab at first grade as part of the uniform.
I was convinced that Islam was the one. And Allah is the merciful. Although I have always questioned our existence
as a child no one knew how to answer me. Instead they quoted the Qur'an.
After 8 years, we got back from Canada. And lived in our hometown. A small area where everyone knows everyone.
My grandparents lives next to us. Although my mother still was depressed. She couldn't cope now in her hometown.
She thinks everyone treated her differently now that she came back. So she avoided everyone. I got to school there
and everyone treated me differently I did not know Arabic. Why did they make me go to an Arabic school? My dad
suggested that I should be in Arabic school to learn Arabic. While my mother wanted me to go to an international
school. I've been treated differently by everyone. Teachers, cousins, family. I had a hard time coping in their environment
. I also looked different. I don't look Saudi at all. I look European. My ancestors were turkey, Persian and so on. after
I've finally blended with their society my dad decided to move to another city. Same country.
Here is where it all begun. This city is different from our hometown. The capital. I got to school there until now I am
in 11th grade. At first I was treated differently again. I didn't have any decent friend. until 9th grade. Now everyone
either admires me from my exotic European look. Or hated me because I looked like a foreigner and still be called Saudi.
They tell me to go back to my country. And they doubt where I come from.
I was informed to wear the hijab since I matured. Luckily though, I look twelve even till this day But because of my height.
I had to wear it. From this day I thought to myself why should women wear the Hijab? Why are women treated this way?
Why don't they drive and so on. it's not traditions. it's islam. In 4 years of searching and thinking I became to the conclusion.
That Islam is not the right religion. It's not for me. If I had to become Muslim I would change who I am as a person. And that
god was just a myth. Although people might disagree. But my mind did not accept god without evidence. I do not need religion
to guide me in life. To tell me what's wrong or right.
I had to act like a muslim.As a non believer do you know hard that was for me? Pretending to be something I am not. I am now
17 years old. After one year. I had to go study abroad. Immigrate. Anything. I no longer can stay in a country that differs from
my views. As an atheist I can't live here. My mother knows about this. She didn't believe me she thinks it's a phase or this will go
away. My mother now has manic depression she takes her medication. She is now more monstrous than ever. At days she screams
and cry at days she becomes childishly happy. She tells me to go die or either to accept life here. I tell her I can no longer understand
their way of living. Nor can I accept my parents family. They think I am a filthy whore because of just wearing a hijab. They tell to cover
my face. And I refused. My dad is having a tough time with this. But he can't do anything about it. I'm clever. I cannot easily be
brainwashed like all the girls here.
My father is my problem. I talked about studying abroad my father said no. you will live here for the rest of your time and get married to
a decent saudi guy. He still does not know I am an atheist . He once said that if you ever left Islam i will disown you. His barbaric family
will kill me. I begun to hate everyone around me and treated them as trash. I envy girls who travel and not wear the hijab yet still claim
they are Muslims.While my dad tells me you have to wear it and pretend to be a Muslim. I hate going outside of my country as a Muslim.
With all of this on my shoulder I've started to suffocate myself to try and drown myself to make it end. And it got worse from a year to another.
I start to change. I am no longer the same person I was. My personality changes. Sometimes I explode and cry and no one would know. They
made my dream unworthy. They want me to be brainwashed as them. I hate my father so much he has the ability to live anywhere yet he
chose here. The thought of killing him is so tempting. Knowing he is a misogynist and treats women poorly. his father once screamed at my
mother for being a terrible mother to me. and his father once told me to cover my face. It is tiring.
And in this country anyone who leaves Islam should be executed. My father says I am stupid all the time he says
I highly doubt you will ever go to college. My grades started to drop right now. And if I don't go to college here I will
end up living in this prison. My dad puts me down every time. My grades are really good but now they dropped since my
father said I will not study abroad. I started to stop caring about school.
I have one year to decide how to get out of the country or else I have no
choice but to kill myself before they find out I am an atheist.
That sounds like a horrible situation. But I don't think you need to kill yourself. I can see why that'd seem like the solution but you don't know that you aren't going to be able to get out. I know faking things is not what feels good, but it sounds like you'll have to do that for now until you can get out. Are you able to leave and study abroad even though your father says you can't? Like is it actually illegal wherever you are or are you afraid of what he will say or afraid that he will hurt you? Because if you can defy him without getting into legal trouble/danger, that'd seem like the best option.
Also, you might want to research some nonprofit groups that might be able to help you. Were you born in Canada? If so, that might make you a Canadian citizen (I know it would here in the US if you were born in the US), and that might give you certain rights too. I'd start researching on the internet (if you can do so without being found out), and see what groups could help you (maybe try Amnesty International? I don't know a lot about the specifics of such groups) and if you are a citizen somewhere else, if any embassy can help you in anyway. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I don't think suicide is the way out, as you don't know that this will always be your life.
Stereotypes are the epitome of human laziness.
- me
You have so much on your plate and I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.
I agree with everything beautiful seclusion said. Are there organisations or charities that can help you get out?
You are very brave and strong, please don't kill yourself. There has to be a way out of this situation.
I'm sorry I can't solve anything for you but wanted to leave some care and support.
I don't have much practical advice but I read your post and I want you to know that there are always ways to get out, suicide is not your only option.
I can relate to your situation but also not understand what you are going through. Years ago I thought that I either stayed with my family and committed suicide or left them and lived. So I left.
I would focus your energy on finding a way of getting out as quickly as possible, alive. There will be ways. It must be hard or almost impossible to see right now but it is possible. There are always ways to get out.
Don't give up. You're doing the right thing but sticking to what you believe in.
No, I was not born in Canada. I agree it would have been easier. But I'm unlucky.
This country does not have any sort of organizations or charities that can help.
Also, a woman can not leave the country until the father approves regardless of her age. The father is still in charge.
When the women is married the husband becomes in charge. Women here have less rights than men. I can no longer
stay in a misogynistic country that might even kill me for believing in what's right. I suppose that if there is no way. I
will eventually must. Yes, must. Commit suicide. Death will be my only freedom.
I absolutely have no other choice. And I blame parents every single day.
Religion is a horrible horrible horrible thing. I know things seem like they could never improve, but you never know what will come next. It's frustrating, but you can never be certain of the future, as it's so unpredictable. Have you tried convincing your father to let you get engaged to someone who is going to university/or is at university overseas? Try and ask around and see if anyone you know knows/is related to a man which you know your father would approve of.
Try as hard as you can at your schoolwork this year, and try and erase any suspicion among your parents that you are even considering escaping.
If you can escape into western society you can leave all of the hardships you're facing now.
Religion is a dying cultural fad, especially ones which express such harsh sexist views. The world is always changing, don't lose hope. It still hasn't been that long since being an Atheist would have been a great offence in the majority of countries.
...Feel free to pm me whenever, good luck...
I'm unclear on ur whereabouts now, but. Just decieve. Whatever. Humans are deceptive. I guess stop letting ppl u don't trust know your feelings... pretend to believe whatever to make whoever happy til ur 18 and can just dipset. Put a front up. You can do it. Just gotta bite ur lip.
Straight up flee the country. Embassay(sp?) Might help.. if not get into contact with people you know outside there. Ur passt life whatever. Unless u tell em ur fleeing I doubt they would expect it.
I just wanted to say how brave I think you are for admitting that you don't think Islam is for you - a big step to take. I really hope things get better for you.
