Urgently need help and can't get any

earthbound_misfit · 28-03-2012, 03:03 PM

Ok well... I've been suffering depression for about 18months. It has got really, really bad recently do I spend about 22hrs a day in bed. I am trying to be ok, try to pop round a friend's house in the evening for an hour or so everyday etc - this is helped by feeling a bit better in the evenings. But I always wake up and feel awful and terrified a few moments later, feel overwhelmed trying to do the most basic things (eg. make a cup of tea). I get very wound up by mess in my house, any washing up etc left lying around I have to tidy and so this adds to feeling stressed and overwhelmed.
I feel so much pain inside like I want to rip open my body to get it out. I bang my head almost compulsively now to ease the pain inside. I'm scared.
I have also just sent (well, my bf sent it) my ESA form, I won an appeal to get it last year and they are now going to re-assess me and its terrifying, I have been feeling much worse this last month since they sent the form. Last year when I appealed I had a cpn who helped, this time I don't. I was in hospital for 3 days in september, my cpn seemed to turn against me after this and she said she wouldn't be seeing me anymore in November (had only had 1 appt since being discharged from hosp).
I tried to carry on and as was feeling a lot better thought I'd be ok. However I am finding life too much to deal with, totally overwhlemed, and frightened.
I have nightmares and flashbacks of horrible times in my life; a lot of it is stuff from when I was younger and went through the MH system and was treated like ****. I had a misdiagnosis of BPD at the time with the worst treatment/lack of, and downright abuse from services that that entails. I also was involved with the police at this time due to MH ott zero tolerance thingy. This means I could not take up a place to do nurse training 2 yrs ago, my life is screwed by these people yet I desperately need their help now.
I have an appt with gp surgerys counsellor tomorrow, it is my second. However it seems my problems are greater than she can help with, and she knows this and has referred me to MH services. However this seems to be taking forever and I'm terrified due to NHS changes.
I can't really talk to anyone about this, as since last summer I have been pretending to be fine, in order to not piss people off.
I am particularly worried about my self harming actions and losing it randomly as constantly overwhelmed, I feel it would be best for everyone if I was dead but I don't feel imminently suicidal or anything, so I think that's why they won't help. However i'm scared I will do something bad or break something/crime as going completely mental under the pressure of trying to keep going.
How do I get help?? A&E are useless just sit for hours and it's not safe for me to do that now. Doctor I saw 2 days ago and she just made me appt with counsellor, i'm terrified trying to keep going everyday

DannieGirl · 28-03-2012, 03:44 PM

i know what you're going through, i have been through these before and am feel the depression come back.
Have you tried calling your doctors again and saying you're worried about your self harming and urgently need to see someone soon? Or maybe it's worth calling nhs 24- they might be able to send someone over. A&E are rubbish..is there a local walk in? or a local mental health phone line where you can speak to someone?
I can't really say much.. there isn't a huge amount of help for people with mh crisises... well unless they are under the mh services...and even then they aren;t much use- especially with certain diagnosises people may have- i have once been referred to the crisis team after cming out of a 4 day stay in an acute ward after being in A&E for an od and the came over the day i came out of hospital and said "we can't do anything as you have a diagnosis of borderline pd"...and buggered off again! so i have no idea what else to suggest. I once called an out of hours services of my gp's and they sent me to a nhs walk in center.

star runner · 28-03-2012, 04:11 PM

i was just wondering if you could get some support from the crisis team. I def think you need an urgent appt with someone. I think the advice from Danniegirl is v good. Maybe nhs direct should be your first port of call.

PinQ · 28-03-2012, 05:26 PM

i agree with star runner, it sounds like the crisis team would be a huge support for you right now. they could just come and spend time with you a few times a day, help you get out of bed and eat and dress. hope you get some help.

Whispered Secret · 28-03-2012, 08:15 PM

The only way you are going to access the crisis team is if you do go to A+E and they then refer you through psych liason, or if the cmht refer you (I don't think GPs can refer direct unless you are already under a cmht)

Poppet6 · 28-03-2012, 08:46 PM

I think you need to call the crisis team, they are nothing to be scared of and will want to help you xx

earthbound_misfit · 28-03-2012, 10:01 PM

The crisis team seem pretty impossible to be honest - they get annoyed at me and tell me it isn't a crisis (well they used to, haven't called in months now). Amazed they actually visit people and help with stuff like that?!
I'm gonna see the counsellor tomorrow and try to explain to her - it was her who actually referred me on so presumably she'd pass on any concerns. I just can't really explain destructive feelings as this has got me arrested before.
Thank you anyway for all your advice it's nice to know I'm not alone
B x