I've only ever had issues with mild paranoia in the past, mostly when it came to anxiety (thinking people were thinking bad things about me, etc. I'm ftm transgender so I would think that I wasn't passing as male...) But lately it's getting worse. There is a trigger, but I don't think it's completely justified.
I'm in a class now that is for people who have some sort of mental/physical illness that is keeping them from working. It's a transition to work program with a bunch of confidence building workshops, job shadowing, getting certified for First Aid and things like that. The class is small. There are only 8 of us including the instructor. Anyway, at first there were only 6 participants. A new person came in very late (we're half way done already) just recently and from the beginning I didn't know how to feel about her. I quickly befriended most of the people in the class which is really out of character for me, but it was good. The only person I wasn't friends with was this one guy who acts as the class antagonist, so he grinds on everyone's nerves.
I've kind of just been scoping out this new woman, trying to get a feel for how she is because my intuition about people is usually very accurate. It's probably been two weeks since she started and I always had this off feeling about her. Something just didn't feel right, but I didn't know what...
I'm one of the advanced students in the class because it's mainly computer usage and I have a lot of experience in that field, whereas the rest of the class is a lot older and they haven't got much experience other than knowing how to get on Facebook. This isn't a superiority complex thing, it's fact. Now, most of the people come to me for help and are grateful when I can get them steered in the right direction and I get that appreciated vibe from them. With her, I feel like she's thinking I'm being a show off and making her feel stupid purposely.
Other than that I hadn't really formed much of an opinion of her. She's well liked by one of the classmates I'm closer with and I'm assured that she's a nice person and all that. I don't really doubt it. I just... I can't shake that feeling. She's agreed to give me rides to classes in the morning, so I feel bad for distrusting her.
The REAL trigger here though was tonight we were having a conversation on Facebook and she brought up that she was broken up by the class antagonist. I was confused, and she got defensive and said something like "I know he's annoying, but I'm working on it" which just didn't seem right to me. I told her I was sorry that he did that, and she continued to say that the reason he broke up with her was because of some gossip that was going around that got back to his social worker. (I'm not sure why he has one, I only know that the extent of his mental illness has him living with a social worker and he isn't allowed to have a stove in his apartment. That's literally all I know about the guy.)
Okay, well that happens. People gossip. But then she mentioned that it was my relatives who were doing it. I don't know this woman. I have never met her before this class. I don't know how she knew I was related to the people who were gossiping because we don't share a last name and I keep pretty low key, mostly because of my transition and my need to keep what's in my pants in my pants and not a topic of discussion.
Rationally, there are plenty of ways to find out we were related. It's a small town and people do talk.
I just have this feeling that's eating at me. The feeling like this woman has so much more information about me than she needs to have and I don't know the extent of it. What else does she know? Can I trust her with the information, even if it wasn't given to her - rather, taken from me? I feel as though she's blaming me for what my relatives have done and that she's going to do something that will potentially cause me trouble.
I'm starting to just tweak out and I want to crawl under a rock and stay there... I shouldn't be freaking out about this. I should be rational. I'm always rational. I'm THE rational person when everyone else is irrational. It's just me, how I've always been. And now I'm so paranoid I never want to talk to her again, or tell anyone anything else about myself so that no more unnecessary information about myself gets out.
I don't know how to cope with this. This is totally new to me.
I've had that sort of anxiety before, as far as worrying that people think badly of me etc., so I can relate to you there. I don't think you're being crazy paranoid, just maybe blowing it up out of proportion. I grew up in a small town, and I know that there were lots of times that people would end up knowing more about me than I did about them, and statistically speaking it's probably not all that unusual for this woman to know your relatives. As they say, it's a small world after all. So I highly, highly doubt this is some kind of conspiracy against you.
It sounds like you've had a gut feeling about this woman, and I would trust that. She probably isn't out to get you or anything, but she sounds like she has some issues. Sounds like she's pretty insecure. Whether or not she's blaming you for what your relatives did--that doesn't matter. You're not at fault for her problems. What could this woman do that would cause you trouble? I suspect that the most she could do is gossip about you to your classmates...but it sounds like you already have a good relationship with them, so you've got a head start on her with them. Having said that, I wouldn't go around sharing my most personal secrets with her or anything. Just leave her alone and try not to obsess about the situation.
Hope some of that advice helps. I know coworker/classmate issues can be frustrating!
My biggest fear about what she knows about me is my transition. If she somehow knows that I'm ftm, then she could tell people and that would get out... it could actually be very dangerous for me because there are a lot of ignorant people in my town and there is a very real chance that I could be assaulted, or worse. For now I'm trying to be rational about it and keeping my personal life to myself. It's hard though when we share such a small class. Only three people in that class know that I am transgender because I told them personally and trust them. The rest of the class does not know and I want it to stay that way, as well as the people in my town who don't know me as who I was before my transition.
Thank you, it did help to make me think a little more level headed, usually it takes someone to tell me to quit overreacting for me to actually listen. Easier to listen to someone else than to myself, after all. :P
I wouldn't be thinking the worst straight away if I
Was you - I know someone who was very wary of me at college who was nervous about bring a lesbian but I was actually in a female relationship which really shocks most people. Keep Yourself to your self and see where it goes from there.
Yes, I can relate to the fear of being exposed, so to speak--I'm gay and have not told any of my coworkers. I don't think I would be assaulted, but I'm afraid I could be demoted to a less desirable position in my work; in my area, people are usually really conservative and don't accept any sexuality that isn't straight. If anyone ever asked me outright, I'd probably lie and say I were straight. I'm not exactly proud of that, but yeah. Environments like that make me feel a little paranoid sometimes too :( I'm glad that you have found a few people you can trust though :)
