Ill

[MrsCoulter]

I don't feel very well. My rationality and logicalness (is that even a word?) has just gone out the window and I am having irrational feelings and thoughts and mood swings washing over and over and over me. For example;

Last night I was fine, I went to bed normally, slept normally and woke up this morning to a lovely day to go down to the county I used to live in (a town not far from my home town) for a 40th anniversary party for my sister's partners parents. I wasn't looking forward to the party because I didn't know anyone but it was tolerable. I got home and somehow my dad manages to bring up about my dog and how he's going to get rid of him tomorrow, so that put me into a bit of a bad mood even if I have known about it for awhile. So now I am sat at my pc wanting to cry, thinking that perhaps I could just go to sleep and not wake up and how nice that would be.

My irrationality has soared as well; My friend and colleague finally left the company on Friday and I have been asked to take over her job - I am fully capable and am usually okay once I get to work but the thought of actually going fills me with serious dread and I am having a serious fight or flight moment that is overwhelming me. I am soo competent - and everyone has been telling me I've been doing a good job but I'm just so scared of my own failure that I want to flee and go back to a job that was boring, mundane and just mind numbingly dull.

And on top of all this, another woman at work (who is more my mother's age than mine but is a really nice person) added me on facebook and started a game with me but I suddenly felt really odd and now am having to avoid facebook because I just ... well I duno - I don't want to avoid her but I feel like something has changed and this is the same feeling I felt once I had seen the doctor the first time for OCD in 2005.

One minute I am okay ,then I am not and I'm just fed up and I really want to go and hide. I want my rational and logical mind back. I even envy some people on here because they are getting help and I'm not (despite many attempts) which is ridiculous and selfish because they are obviously incredibly ill but it just makes me wonder if perhaps my doctor doesn't think I'm ill enough for help. I don't know what to do anymore. I get really obsessed with certain things (mainly shows or films) and it was Downton Abbey so I would do all the reading about it - fics etc and there were LOADS, then that dwindled to make way for my obsession with Stella which has no fandom following which has now given way to Most Haunted which I used to love about 3-4 years ago but again, it's not been on for ages so doesn't have much of a following anymore. I feel lost and that I have no passion or drive for anything anymore. I want to get more involved with animal rights but I keep blowing off my local group because I experience the fight or flight thing.

I just don't think I will ever be happy - and most of it is because I can't fully allow myself to take the stages to be happy. I don't remember the last time I felt effortless happiness; everything is just too much effort and I'm just too tired.

I'm sorry to be a moaning, wining excuse for a human being :(

[crazykat]

First of all your not moaning, everything you have written is completely valid and you deserve just as much help as anyone else. It sounds like you feel very conflicted at the moment like you don't feel well but then you feel that your not ill enough to receive help from those around you. You deserve help just as much as anyone else here, these feelings your experiencing could very much do with a professional to talk through with them about. If your not finding your doctor helpful, would it be possible to find a new one?

As for your irrationality even through it is quite strong it sounds like there is still a small part of you that does still have a rational side. It is just a matter of making that rational side stronger. Often positive affirmations can help with this. So challenging each of these irrationality's of why they are not true. For example the irrationality that you can't do your work, to challenge that you would say well my colleagues have told me I am good at what I do. Even if you don't completely believe the rational side at first keep challenging it. Best of luck with it all. Take care
Kat xxx

[MrsCoulter]

thank you for your response Kat, i am taking it all on board :) sorry my response isnt longer but having a bit of a crisis at the mo as my rabbit is really unwell and the cost of vet bills is stressing me out.

xx