I'm in need of some advice and I can't really ask anyone else.
So basically, when I was younger I had this "friends with benefits" thing with a guy and when I met my now finacee I stopped "seeing" him, however he would regularly text me, or show up demanding...well y'know, and I told my finacee who was totally supportive of me and we just ignored him really, eventually he stopped. I found out later down the line he had been in a relationship the whole time he'd been seeing me.
A few years ago my finacee and I met a bunch of people through a local biker community and have become really good friends with them, but the guy I had a thing with before is also part of this group....awkward, but he was fine with me and my finacee to begin with, and we've been out socially with our friends and everything was ok.
Last year he and another of the girls from the group got together and had a baby, a lovely little thing, but recently he's started to text me again asking for pictures and other "favours" he's even told me on a Thursday evening his daughter and his other half are out and he has the house to himself, he keeps inviting me over for "old times sake" I've told my finacee this and to say he is annoyed is an understatement, I've asked him not to say anything because of all our mutal friends who have no idea that he's like this, but I'm getting to the point where it's really starting to get to me and my finacee.
So I guess I just wanted some oppinions/advice, what would you do? Would you tell his girlfriend or one of our mutal friends? The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone but I'd want to know that the person I had started a life with was texting another girl asking for naked pictures? Surely she has a right to know what he's like, and then there's his daughter....I come from a broken home and I know how awful it is so I don't ever want to inflict that on anyone else, but if he's being like this and she's not even a year old then what about down the line when she's more aware of what his actions are and can be more hurt by them?
I can talk myself in circles all day so I'm going to stop now...
Thank you for reading.
Em
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people,
Hmm, tricky. I suppose what I'd do is go and see him with your fiancee on a thurs evening and have a talk to him in private and say it's not acceptable and if he carries on you'll have to tell his partner. That way he knows what you and your fiancee think and he has a choice to carry on knowing there will be consequences, or stop.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
I'm not so sure letting my finacee anywhere near him at the moment would be....productive, but its definitely something to consider. I've asked him to stop before, and he did...for a couple of weeks. But I think it's gonna come to the point where if he doesn't stop I'm going to have to confront him on it and I hate confrontation.
It doesn't help that he's one of these people that knows what to say and what people wanna hear. Too clever and could probably talk his way out of hell.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people,
I think thats why you need your fiancee with you, if you can make sure hes not going to cause an argument. But basically both of you tell him its not acceptable and if he keeps harassing you for sex basically you will tell his partner and the police (well might work as a threat)
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
Yeah I know I'll need my fiancee with me, I hate that he's still got that hold over me...that sounds awful doesn't it. I love my finacee and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don't think I'd trust myself that he wouldn't just be able to say all the right things and then I'd fall for all his BS again and do something I regret. I think thats my biggest fear, and then I feel guilty for thinking that...
Anyway thank you for your advice guys.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people,
I think you know deep down though you wont allow yourself to be put in that position, and really he shouldnt keep harassing you to sleep with him. As it is harassment i would threaten with the police, as harassment is a crime anyway, but it might make him pay attention.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
I'm worried it will make things awkward with our mutal friends though, and I think part of me is worried that they'll see me as the bad person, not him as everyone always seems to be singing his praises, it's like I'm the only one who see's who he really is.
Sorry to keep going on, I just can't seem to settle on what to do. Part of me wishes for the friendship we had before we complicated it all by crossing that line, but I think I need to accept that thats not gonna happen.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people,
Thing is you cant be certain that he still wouldnt raise the subject of sex if you had never slept together before. Hopefully you can speak to him again and make him listen, but if its affecting you then you need to do something, im sure people wont see you as the bad person.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
Thats very true. I'm gonna have a chat with my fiancee when he gets in from work and see if he'll be able to be calm if we go speak to him. I was thinking of talking to one of our friends about this as well.
Thank you. =)
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people,
I'd want to know. I just don't want to hurt anyone, his girlfriend has never done anything to me, and is always lovely I don't want to cause her any pain but I know it's unfair to let him get away with again.
This is why I normally avoid people... lol, give me a room full of animals any day!
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people,
I can see why you'd not want to tell the mutual friends; i've had similar situations and it ended up poorly. I'd tell him (and taking your fiance is certainly a good idea if you do it in person) that you are not going to tolerate it and you will contact the police if he does not stop sexually harassing you. Not only will that be a legal threat, but it also would entail his partner to find out, and will get the picture through to him that he had better leave you alone if he doesn't want others to find out. I personally am not for telling partners that their other partner cheats, but I don't know if that's right or wrong; I've always opted out of it in situations I've had as I figure it probably won't be believed anyway. But either way I'd definitely put your foot down and tell him that he absolutely cannot sexually harass you anymore. I'm sorry you're dealing with this; I know how difficult it is when there's a problem like this with someone whom you have mutual friends with.
Stereotypes are the epitome of human laziness.
- me
