I harbor a deep, impenetrable, choking fear of death and all it entails. The act itself, the unknown that comes afterwards and society’s overwhelming view of it. The term ‘fear’ is without a doubt an understatement. At times I find myself trembling uncontrollably, my heart beating rapidly against my chest as I try (and fail) to push back floods of tears. As I write this, I am experiencing a terror unlike anything I have ever experience before. My jaw aches with the effort it’s taking not to give in and just cry. The sheer power with which this terror grips me is terrifying in itself. Imagine if you will, the sensation that gathers in your chest when experiencing confrontation or facing something you fear more than anything else in the world. It is possible to walk away from the thing you fear or else the confrontation will pass. My fear is invisible and omnipresent however, ever second creeping closer and closer. I’ve tried everything from hypnotherapy to visiting a psychic to rid me of this ailment. I’m a Christian yet still I doubt. Like Thomas (See: the Bible) I find it difficult to believe in something if the evidence is against it or I haven’t seen it with my own eyes.
I have explored both options as to what happens after death (soul survival and nonexistence). I fear that by trying to find comfort in both outcomes, I may be sentencing myself to what is referred to as ‘hell’ (I say ‘referred to as hell’ because the definition, at least in the Bible is vague), thus I find comfort in neither. I studied Philosophy and Ethics at school and I’ve recently started looking into NDE’s, Quantum Physics and Quantum Mechanics so I’m painfully aware of both sides of the arguments. Knowledge, I fear only serves to heighten my distress and anxiety. I wish I could believe blindly. I really do. But again…I’m more like Thomas than say…Paul. No wait, Paul isn’t a good example since he had his mystical experience on the road the Damascus. Let’s just say for instance, I’m more like Thomas in my way of thinking than I am like James the lesser or Peter or most of the other apostles.
Perhaps other phobias and anxiety’s factor into the sheer terror I feel when I’m faced with the prospect of death for instance I’m claustrophobic (I barely use elevators so the idea of being buried six feet under in a box honestly scares the **** out of me). This would sound ridiculous to my family but I am so ****ing scared of being alone, it’s ridiculous. Maybe I act reclusive sometimes but I just hate being alone. I hate it with a passion. But what if I’m alone when I die? What if I’m so emotionally screwed up that I end up alone in the future? No kids, no husband or whatever, no friends…? What if? And then of course there’s the actual being underground part. I’m going to be alone then too. Death is a lonely experience. Nobody can go through it with you. You just have to take the leap into the bleak unknown. I fear that I’ll be on my deathbed and I’ll still feel like this. The thought alone makes me feel nauseous and teary. People say that I’m only 20 and I shouldn’t be thinking about this but you know…time isn’t linear. We have no idea what time is like really. I drew three possible diagrams and came up with the idea that I’m both alive and dead at the same time. Go figure.
The problem is that I need answers to questions which just cannot be answered. I need to know that there’s something after death, that my existence is not meaningless like atheists and materialists would have me believe. I’m aware of the fact that 100 years after my demise, I’m going to be forgotten about. I’ll just be a weathered name on a headstone and…a pile of bones but…then what was the point? Seriously, what? Is the point of human existence just to dominate the earth for a few hundred thousand years before the sun expands and swallows the earth? I find that hard to believe but that’s exactly what certain scientists tell me. My existence is meaningless. I am meaningless. Right now if I died, nobody besides my immediate family would care. Sad but true. It’s not easy to believe in much else, in such a secular world.
It’s not only my own eventual death that I fear however. It is that of my family. I find myself wondering when I will be alone, without my Mam to comfort me with her simple, reassuring answers to my gutwrenching terror, without my Dad’s unquestioning faith (which I honestly envy him for. If only I could have that kind of belief.)
I can’t concentrate on anything right now, especially writing fanfiction and doing assignments. I’m worried that I’m going to fail my 2nd year at university because of this. I can’t even watch Grey’s or Bones anymore because I can’t face the subject of death. I’m just about hanging onto PLL, though I’m not sure how and I don’t gain as much enjoyment from it (or anything) anymore.
I went to my university counsellor a couple of days ago. She advised that I see my GP but put me on a six week waiting list for consellling sessions with her and put me in touch with the univeristy chaplain (who she said was a very nice man so…). Anyway, I went to see my GP and she suggested anti-depressants. I suggested a place she could stick her ****ing anti-depressants (Translation: I just said no. I’m not rude) so after asking if I thought I had any kind of supernatural powers (seriously, wtf? I’m not nuts) she went on to suggest CBT which there’s a 12 week waiting list for.
I saw the Chaplain for an initial appointment yesterday and indeed, he’s a very nice man. After we discussed my problem, he agreed to work through my many questions with me in another appointment next week. So now I’m on a 6 week waiting list for counselling, waiting for a form to get on a 12 week waiting list for CBT and I’m talking through my issues with the chaplain. I really hope I can sort myself out but I feel like I’m losing it. I have no idea how people can go about their lives as if this isn’t something that affects them. I see old people in the street and I’m (internally) like “How are you so happy??? Do you know something I don’t?”
If you think about eternity, our existence here is fleeting. The thought, terrifying.
