Contains Suicide - I'm such a mess **trig warning**

miss_vegan · 16-03-2012, 09:18 PM

Hey.

Hope everyone reading this is safe.

I'm so messed up. My family are ignoring me because I am not well enough to go see my sister on my own- it would take 3 separate modes of public transport for me to get to her. I take meds to calm me down, but that's an off label use. I offered to go on a weekend, when my partner can come with me, but apparently that's not good enough. A big online company is screwing me around, which essentially means I'm big time out of pocket at the moment. I have been waiting 2 months for a referral back to my CMHT after finishing therapy, not only have I heard nothing, but when my partner chased it up it turns out they've moved to a place I can't get to. I have put on a lot of weight over the years of being on my meds, I feel disgusting. I feel like this is too much. I'm isolated, I have very few friends. I'm a failure, I'm pathetic, I'm miserable, and I hate myself. SO much.

I stopped SH for 2 years, after 10 years of doing it. Took a few attempts, but did it because I promised a plastics referral if I made the 2 year mark. My SH was so bad that my care team at the time considered me an accidental suicide risk. So I managed to stop and plastics refused to see me anyway. I later went into a dissociative state at therapy and the next thing I knew I was at home having cut quite badly. That was 5 months ago, and all I can think about is cutting again. The only thing stopping me is what it would do to my OH. But if something doesn't give soon, I'm afraid I may zone out again, and who know's what I'll do then.

I have suffered with depression most of my life, and I don't know how to keep fighting.

I don't know what I'm expecting anyone to say really, I'm just hoping that maybe something will change if I put it out there. Got to try something.

miss_vegan · 17-03-2012, 04:34 PM

Thanks for the hug Katniss. I guess no one here knows what to say to me either. I always seem to get that. I guess I am pretty screwed up.

tears black as night999 · 02-04-2012, 06:00 AM

hey hunnie

dont self harm any more if you feel the urges just call some one you cauld call life line or kids help line there number is in the phone book!!!!!!!!!!!

SamLynn89 · 02-04-2012, 06:44 AM

Awww don't feel pathetic or like a failure or any of those things. Sometimes life hands us lemons and in the process of making lemonade we end up squirting ourself in the eye with lemon juice but eventually the pain passes and you can finally make lemonade (though maybe with some protective eyewear). What I'm trying to get at is that it can get better. Don't be afraid to use your other half as protective eye wear. I'm not sure your entire situation but I think the most important thing you can do is maybe check yourself into a recovery center if there's one available in your area. That way they can keep an eye on you until they're sure you're better. And again, don't be afraid to lean on your other half. PM me if you need to talk ever.

miss_vegan · 11-04-2012, 07:49 PM

Thank you everyone for the hugs and comments.

I haven't been online for a bit, things seemed to be levelling out. But now I feel worse than ever.

It just seems that every time I think I am doing ok, like having a normal life, being borderline bites me in the bum. I thought my OH understood me, we've been together for about 6 1/2 years, but he proved today that he can't look past my illness either.

I feel so alone.

WastedSoul · 11-04-2012, 11:10 PM

i dont know what else to say but *hugs* and my OH cant see past my illness when im in a funk either.. <3

kookydoll · 15-04-2012, 10:04 PM

I don't really have any advice- just wanted to say I really relate to a lot of what you're saying.

Quote:

I have put on a lot of weight over the years of being on my meds, I feel disgusting. I feel like this is too much. I'm isolated, I have very few friends. I'm a failure, I'm pathetic, I'm miserable, and I hate myself. SO much.

and

Quote:

I have suffered with depression most of my life, and I don't know how to keep fighting.

These could literally be right out of my mouth. Just wanted you to know you're not alone. I hope things get better for you.
TC