i want to die

[anuj]

I have these feelings since childhood. I attempted 1st time when I was 13. It was coz I was alone. My friends move to another city, my elder brother went for college and I had fights with my other friends. But no one knew abt it. But I kept on doing self harm. It always give me feeling that I am also just another insect. Then I joined college. But was disappointed as couldn't get a good one. Due to fear of poor grades in 1st sem., I again attempted. But failed and again no one knows abt it. And now I am a person who don't to talk to people and make friends. Coz I know that I CAN GET HURT badly. I don't care abt random stranger making fun of me or even a friend. But if they avoid me it make me think that I am the worst.

But I have faced very challenging situations and survived. Like- I didn't get a job from campus and just before my final sem. exams I got chickenpox and couldn't appear for 1st two exams. But eventually I passed those papers and got a job in October. Those months(june to sept.) were very stressful for me. But I like these types of challenges. I can handle any challenge but don't know how to deal with human issues.

Now I doing P.G. and have got a good job. I live in campus.

Recently(last 6 months), I have again started self harm. I have started to drink. This is because of frustration. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know purpose of my life. Some of my friends have started to ignore me. And remaining friends listen to me but they say that I talk non-sense and If I change myself then I should otherwise also its good.

Generally I don't talk to girls. But this year a girl approached me and we started to talk a bit. And we became good friends. Recently we used to talk daily. A few days ago I called her when I was drunk. And after some talk she disconnected. And after that instant she hasn't replied to my calls or messages. She was at home at that time. May be she got to know that I was drunk and she didn't like it. OR her family members got to know abt it and they might have grilled her. In any case I AM THE PROBLEM. I am not serious abt her. It was just that it was kind of stress releasing activity when I talked with her. And now she might be in problem coz of me.

Now, I have figured out that I can only survive if I make strong boundaries around me and don't allow anyone close to me, so that they don't get opportunity to hurt me. And I can never be happy. I wasn't happy in my childhood. I remember whenever I used to do something wrong. My parents would beat me and I used to cry in dark alone thinking of running away and thinking why I was born or thinking might be I am not their son and I am adopted.

And I am not seeing any doc. as of now. I don't think that it will be of any help. I want to get away from all these thinking. May be a permanent memory loss or brain damage or death. I know that life is a dream with in a dream, when you die you live to another dream. But to live this dream is beyond my capabilities.

I know what is real and what is imagination. But sometime I really wish that all my life is just an imagination. And someday I would wake up to live a good life. And wouldn't remember anything from this pathetic life.

[RainDrop Munchkin]

hey honey,

i am so sorry you are struggling. but i wanted to say you are not the problem at all..

but i would like to say that you have a lot of postive things in your life right now, you say you have a job whcih is good i know it took a while for you to get this jkob but you suceeded in the end which is fab :)
as for the girl well maybe give her one last text explaining you were drunk and that you got disconnected that you hope you didnt offend her by phoning whilst drunk and hope that she is okay.. and then leave it to her.. she may just be really busy and hasnt had time to text back or anything... dont take it to heart unless you know whats actually going on honey..

with what you have said it sounds like you have been through somethings that are quite bad.. and its okay to feel like this.. but i think it would be a good idea if you did reach out for some professional help even if you only talk to them once it might help a great deal to have some one there to talk to..

you say that you have started to self harm again do you know what the trigger is? as something happened to make you turn back to it??

a lot of people care about you even if it feels like they dont, they probably just dont understand what is going on..

i understand what you are saying about wanting your life to change but there is only you that can do this, i mean people can help you but you have to be the one that takes the steps to feeling better honey and you can and will change your life for the better.
but if you ever need to talk or rant you can always pm me anytime :)

[PassedExpectations]

if you withdraw yourself from people, most people will withdraw themselves from you. people will assume that you don't want their company, that you don't want to interact with them, if you keep to yourself all the time. i know it can leave you feeling vulnerable, but you've got to put yourself out there a bit before people will start coming back to be friends. you've got to give to get.

also, all relationships that are real will cause pain at some point, because you care about the person, what they feel, and what they think of you. it is hard to be hurt by someone that you don't care about. that doesn't mean that you should stop all relationships though. lots of times the good outweighs the bad. if you don't have any relationships, you will most certainly be miserable...