have to blurt it out or it won't happen

[Montague]

so long grammar agh i have no one to talk to i mean i have a couple of friends but i havent talked to them in a while and its probably not malicious or anything theyre all at school but im here at home because i didnt think i could handle a second year of dorms and being isolated but its not really different...and my friends all have similiar anxiety issues and things like that so i know theyd understand but im scared id accidently trigger them or something so i cant cant cant

idk ive been feeling extra invalidated lately whenever i talk to someone its not a conversation no matter what the topic its just people talking AT me people just like the sound of their own voice and im just doing nothing 24/7. ive considered volunteering and things like that but i dont have the energy even if its something im really interested im tired and/or scared and then i get more upset because i m not capable of ANYTHING anymore

idk if ii would say im suicidal but i just want to lie down and just wait to die most of the time i dont knwo literally i cant even cry, i cant even force it its hard to sleep its hard to eat and i ont really want to bother anymore i mean i kind of have plans for the future? but i cant get anything started

nobody even thinks theres anything wrong with me, im very well put together, dress well always clean etc and i go into autopilot polite mode, something i made myself learn in highschool, smile and giggle, all that bs but i cant stop being 'polite' even if im talking to a psychiatrist or whatever i mean im honest always but its hard to be taken seriously when youre talking about cutting or restricting or whatever but you look like youve won the frigging lottery

idkidkidk sorry for the mile long post but yeah um fml i guess

have a penguin

[PassedExpectations]

*hugs* how are you feeling after letting that all out? maybe you could start by letting your emotions out on paper, or computer, like you have hear, and eventually work towards letting yourself be more expressive when you're around others...

often doing something is the solution to not feeling like you have the energy to do anything (when you aren't overtaxed already). getting moving can be difficult, but once you start doing something it is often much easier to continue with it and it actually help boosts your energy levels. just like moderate exercise actually gives you more energy...