not sure what to call it. *TRIGGER*

[a_seething_one]

falling apart.

I guess it's all I can say, to sum up what I'm going thru.

I was relased from psych 2 mondays ago.

Today's a bad day.

Anniversary of my grandmothers passing.

Anniversary of overdosing.

I just am ****iing falling apart. I have constant dreams of the flashback type. They feelings linger with me daily, tho I can usually never remember what happened. Ikeep having body flashbacks.

I just feel so goddamned ****ed up. I've been very physically ill since I was released from psych.

Missed appts. I just feel like such a ****ing failure. I know that I'm not. I just keep having the ****ing feelings.

I've done little tiny baby insignificant hurting. It sorta helped.

I/ve started just staring longingly at my pill bottles again. (note, if I was gonna OD, I was gonna do it already. Just having ideation for me doesn't mean I'm going to do it. Just to let you know, if anyone cares.)

I'm just so sick of having so much **** to deal with. I am 27 ****ing years old, and have like 27 chronic health conditions. 27. What happened to my ****ing youth? I dunno where the **** it went.

I think I might be in the trouble with the law. We ****ed up. The cops are looking for us. The cops don't normally track you down unless you're in some deep ****ing ****. I can't do jail time again. They won't give me most of my meds.....I can't survive being in that much pain..... I don't know what the **** to do.

I guess the only good news is that I was able to schedul an appt with my therapist. Things with her are a whole nother problem, but irregardless. She's all I got.

I wish I was able to get on here more often. I guess that's all for now. I hope I put this in the right forum. I never know which is the right one, it confuses me.

[Fry]

I'm glad to hear you have an appt. with your therapist.
I can empathise with the feelings of a lost youth as I've felt the same at times. But looking back won't do you any good, try and give yourself permission to let go of the past and do your best to improve the present. Easier said than done I know.

What about the physical ailing you mentioned, are you seeing a doc about that too?
Physical illness often has an impact on mental health so it's important to look after both. Please try and stay safe. Overdosing will not help the situation as you know, and you can get through these feelings without doing that.

[a_seething_one]

well thanks for the reply.

[Fry]

You're welcome.