ramblings

[Lyria]

Ok so most of you dont know me at all but here i go...for the record so you know where im coming from i've always had really big mood swings but depression from high school and the psychosis stuff is more since the start of uni.
SO basically i can feel myself going to the dogs again. For weeks now i've woken up on a low and then half way through the day i end up on a manic and i cant do it anymore! i'm so exhausted and every day it's the same cycle and i think if i cut i could let it out and level myself again but i would feel so ashamed because i've stopped for over a month now and i know if i push myself i can stop for longer it's just right now i dont want to, one part of me kinda wants to fall apart and the sensible side says go back to the doctors but i have this problem of acting. I've had to act fine for so long that it's ingrained into my brain and i dont even realise i'm doing it. I confuse my counsellor because i will tell her things like oh my brother strangled me over christmas and laugh or smile and she's said to me it's very easy to get taken in by my smile. If i go to see my doctor again she will only refer me again to the idiotic mental health liason person and sorry but she can take a running jump at me telling her anything else. The last time i was there she told me my problems are my fault because i dont plot in secret to see my mother and cut my dad and brother out (if she even knew how big my mums mouth is she wouldnt even suggest it XD) and that all my hallucinations are just my overactive imagination. Ok lets see how harmless they are when i dont have my friend to by some miracle stick his arm out and knock me out of my mood so i realise theres a lorry coming to hit me that my body thought it would funny to go hug. Oh and she booked me in for 'life lessons' at the day hospital, errrr i can live my life thanks! i live alone and manage pretty well! i just dont want to live sometimes...there is a major difference.So yeah apparently doctors isnt an option because i cant get past the mh troll at the gate. So i have no idea where to go from here. Any clues?

[Lyria]

maybe i should just give it up and let myself crash and burn. My trying doesnt seem to be getting me very far

[MrsNutkin]

[quote=Lyria;3151481]I've had to act fine for so long that it's ingrained into my brain and i dont even realise i'm doing it. I confuse my counsellor because i will tell her things like oh my brother strangled me over christmas and laugh or smile and she's said to me it's very easy to get taken in by my smile. If i go to see my doctor again she will only refer me again to the idiotic mental health liason person and sorry but she can take a running jump at me telling her anything else. The last time i was there she told me my problems are my fault because i dont plot in secret to see my mother and cut my dad and brother out (if she even knew how big my mums mouth is she wouldnt even suggest it XD) and that all my hallucinations are just my overactive imagination.

I can identify with some of what you say. I think laughing when talking about things could be what is known as a 'defence mechanism' trying to hide behind a smile as it were. You have said you are used to doing this....

I wonder if the reason you don't want to go to the 'life lessons' is partly because you are scared. It may also be that you feel you are being undermined or patronized. I know that I have gone through stages where I have been left wondering 'What can help me now?' because everything the 'experts' say I feel like I already know or I have already tried.

I hope my reply can help you start to think about why you feel the way you do. You said you don't want to see the support worker again, I wonder if that is because you feel she is patronising you. You say that people have said 'it's in your imagination' - Could you keep a diary to keep a track of your thought and feelings?

Also, if you put gaps (paragraphs or spaces) in what you write it makes it easier to read and you might get some more replies :)

Take Care x

[Lyria]

lol thanks for the tip, as i said in the title it was mostly ramblings XD

i didnt want to see the community mental health nurse because she argued with everything i said and just said i was fine and wouldnt take it that i know how i feel and whats normal and that the way i am isnt normal...

but definitely did feel patronised regarding the life lessons. Basically they are on how to spend appropriately and look after yourself and i know how, i'm not thick and i live on my own so i manage it perfectly well. I dont need to be taught how to live i need to deal with the problems as to why i dont want to live...stoopid woman :P

I do keep a diary when i can but it never gets kept for long as i end up dwelling on it and when things are really bad i just shut down and go to sleep rather than write it and then i dont want to write it when im okay again because i'm feeling better. (if that makes any sense)

[MrsNutkin]

Yeah it makes sense. Sorry if you felt I was patronising you. I have poor eyesight so yeah..

It is so hard having to fight for everything.. I can see what you are saying but I can't put it into words. It's like there is no appropriate support?

[Lyria]

yeah. Plus the lady made me laugh cos she said she couldnt help me cos i had urges to harm and i was like wtfffff surely thats more reason if anything XD