For those of you who have ever read any of my threads; I might be covering old ground here and i'm sorry if I am. It just seems like i'm not managing to resolve anything. I'm not enjoying life at all, I have been depressed almost since the start of my teenage years so the only 'happiness' I know is connected to when I was really young and was managing to ignore the abnormalities in my family and just get on with playing games and focusing on myself. I don't know how to be happy as an adult and even if I did i'm not sure that i'd be able to achieve it because of my depression.
The only close living relative I have is my brother and I am too close to him in that my OCD makes me obsess about his well being. I can't have a proper contented relationship with him because I am always overly worried about every little thing that could go wrong for him. I feel very alone without healthy human connections. I'm generally scared of people and have lost my close friends because of my mental health problems. I find it very difficult to create new relationships because I either hide too much of myself and put on a face or I crack and tell people too much about my difficulties. Even just holding a conversation is hard because I don't do anything with my life so have nothing to talk about and i'm constantly worrying that i'll do something stupid and make a fool of myself.
I don't have any deep interests. I like reading but don't get a great deal of pleasure from it. I have a degree in psychology but I feel like my interest in it and skills are dwindling because I finished my degree in 2008 and since then I haven't been mentally well enough to go on to postgraduate study. I'm going to try and apply for a research degree this year if I can get funding but I don't have faith that I can do it. I'm too unwell to hold down a job. I try to volunteer twice a week in a library but a lot of the time I make up excuses not to go because my anxiety is high or my mood is low, or I just feel like it is wasting my time because I do nothing that interests me and sometimes I do basic things like laminating.
My OT is trying to get me to do something involving exercise but I have very little energy and exercise is boring. I have bought a dancing game for my wii, even though I can't dance, to try and get some exercise in my life but I know that my OT wants me to get out and meet people. I could never go to a dancing class with other people because i'd be scared of making a fool of myself. I have joined a cinema group but it's so hard to get over the first hurdle of going because I feel so anxious around people.
I spend most of my days alone with my only contact being with the people in the chemist because I have to take my medication daily under supervision to stop me from overdosing. I feel like no one has the right to try and prevent me from overdosing, I know that it's unsafe to overdose though and people could get in trouble if I died but it feels like my coping mechanism has been taken away and no one is helping me to find something to replace it. I can't self harm any more because it hurts too much now and makes me feel sick, so i'm living with my despair with no let up. Everyone thinks i'm doing well because they're focusing on the behaviours that I have changed and they don't listen to me when I say that things haven't got better because all of the negative emotions are still there.
The only way I can see of making this stop is suicide because I don't think i'll ever more forward with 'life' but my huge worry for my brother usually prevents me from going past thoughts of suicide. I don't want him to ever feel the way that I do. I don't know how to cope with this existence and make it better than it is. Any suggestions/support would be appreciated.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
i don't have ny suggestions sorry. i am sorry you are feeling so down and hopeless. i just wanted to say i am thinking about you and my pm box is always open if you want to talk.
I am sorry things are still hard for you. Do you think maybe getting out for fresh air, for a walk, even just around the block could help - It would also count as the exercise your OT is trying to poke you towards. Exercise is an endorphin booster, but it is also great at getting your blood pumping and actually increasing energy levels. I do understand the feeling of having no energy though, I often have to push through that to get anything done.
I strongly advise pushing yourself to go to the cinema group. I know the first time is going to be incredibly scary, but if you push through that it wont be as bad as the pre-anxiety suggests. I promise you that. You do have to force yourself a bit at first though. I get this with so many things and it has been proven true time and time again.
I hope things can begin to get better for you soon, as I know you have been struggling with this a long time.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
I didn't want to leave this without replying so here goes....
I hear the desperation in your words and i feel i can relate somewhat, having been there myself. The first thing i wondered about is whether you have ever been offered a kind of group therapy???? I know it can seem like a terrifying thought but i think it would do you some good to have a bit of social intercation even if it is focused on mental health. Sometimes it's easier to "jump" into a new setting and situation if it has a specific goal. I wonder if you would feel brave enough to ask your therapist about that. It could be a start to get back into social settings again.
Next thing; are there any places close to you for people who are mentally ill???? I ask because in my city, here in Denmark, i attend a club for young mentally ill and i wondered if there was any such thing relatively close to where you are???? Here in my city there are various schools that offer short courses for the mentally ill. There are also a few places where you can go and hang out if you feel like it. I don't know much about the UK so i'm just asking.
With the theme of being lonely... This may seem like a long shot but would you maybe feel comfortable by meeting up with people here from RYL if it was possible???? Maybe it would feel less daunting if it was someone you knew first???? You are well known around the forums and people like you. Maybe it would be less scary than meeting up with strangers.
Have you ever thought about trying to contact your old friends??? Maybe an email or a phonecall????? I think sometimes people tend to withdraw because they don't know what to say.
I think the way to deal with your social anxiety is to challenge the anxiety but to do so in a safe a setting for you as possible. It takes time to get back out there but Rome wasn't built in a day and you are still young so i certainly think it's possible. That was why i thought some kind of group therapy migt be good for you.
You seem like a very nice person so i definately think you can make friends. I also think you have the potential to move past all this pain and desperation and build a good life for yourself. I know it seems hopeles right now but it doesn't have to be this way forever. I was in the same situation some years ago, i self harmed and overdosed as a way of trying to communicate my distress to the people around me. All it ever did was creating an endless amount of conflicts hence making me feel even more alone and misunderstood. But when i started to be able to talk it got better. For the first while i was allowed to write down my thoughts and feelings and have my therapist read it until i felt able to say it out loud.
I was also put into supported housing and while i hated many of the aspects of it, it made me get back in touch with the world around me. It gave me a chance to make some friends and it made me realise that i wasn't as weird and unlikeable as i thought. It was scary but it made me able to interact with other people again. Has anyone ever suggested something like supported housing to you????
It's so easy to lose a network and so hard to build one up. But it isn't hopeless. As i have gotten better i have also regained contact with some of my old friends.
I know it's hard. And scary. But sometimes doing something, even if it seems impossible at the time, is the best way to take small steps into getting back your life and your network. This is not the end of the road for you. There is hope. I so wish i could say just the right thing and make things better and more easy for you because i really hear your pain and i am also convinced there is a better life waiting ahead for you.
Thank you so much for your replies. I was in self esteem group therapy in 2008 and found it helpful to just be around people who didn't expect too much of me and who could relate to some of the things I was going through. My CMHT don't do a lot of group therapy, there used to be an assertiveness group that I was referred to but nothing came of it. I don't know if it still exists or if my care team would even think I need it. There is a voluntary mental health association in my area that has social contact groups but I used to work for them and know some of the clients from when I worked there. It would feel a little awkward, I could get over that but I don't think the group would help because they do nothing focused. I'd just end up sitting in silence.
I'm not sure how to move forward. External things don't have a great impact on me because I am so focused on what is going on inside myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
