Graphic - trouble at work and in life.

[DarknessInsideMe]

I think I have finally pushed it too far at work. The other day the floor manager and my boss asked me if i cut my arms because it looked like i was struggling lifting something, and if so they would have to send me home. they said it can't affect my work. I understand that but it did not affect my work last week when I had stitches in both arms. I am not letting it affect my work any more. They saw me struggling because I am just not as strong any more. My boss also told me I had to eat. She said i was looking pale and getting skinny, which is not possible as my bmi still puts me in the overweigh category.

Then I called in sick on friday, which i have done a couple of times in the last little bit. She said we have to have a meeting next week and talk about things.

i am very freaked.

i also feel betrayed and paranoid and unsafe at work now. i totally regret opening up to my boss. i feel like now that she is seeing that i am not getting better she is using my issues against me, the things that are very personal. i feel like my every action is being watched now as well because on the day they asked me if i cut, they also said i was holding my arm in a way that looked like it had a cut on it. WTF, now i cannot even hold my body in certain ways without feeling paranoid at work. i am just trying to hang on and this is not helping.

i almost want to just quit, but i need the money, i get benefits, and i do not have the energy or confidence to search for a job. i think i would have a major meltdown if i had to look for a new job, and worry about money. it would just be too much.

i don't know what to do. i don't know how to feel. i am so tired. i have a headache every day, i self medicate to get through the day, i have no interest in things. i pretend for other people. part of me thinks that maybe getting fired will give me an excuse to attempt suicide. i don't know what the other options would be. i have screwed my self over so much. i am tired.

but i know i will keep holding on. that is what i do. i hold on for the people that care about me. doesn't matter how i feel as long as i don't hurt them.

[Ellyx]

I just wanted to drop by and offer support, as i have been though something very similar regarding work.

My advice is to open up as much as possible, but what i found is that the manager/assistant manager had to real experiance with self harmers etc and were abit ignorant.

What i did was join the union which offered me alot of advice and support when i needed it. Also if they are causng you problems you can call HR to confrim their policies on things as my manager lied to me saying i could be sacked if i OD'd again and had to be off sick. A quick call to HR and i found this to be false.

In the end i was sectioned so they did something called an occupational health assesment, If you get offered one of these they are usually to see what can be put in place to help you with work.

If you need anymore advice PM me or something xxx

[Auragrace]

^^ exactly like my old manager(shes left now) and we have a new one who I dont trust 100%

[DarknessInsideMe]

the thing is i work for a small business. no union, no hr dept. my boss is the owner, my manager the person who reports to her. she has done sooo much for me. i do not blame her for getting tired of my BS. i just don't know what i will do.

[PassedExpectations]

perhaps there is a different position in the same company that you could take on, that would have less physical work. also, maybe you could come up with a plan between you and your boss of goal points that you need to meet by a specific time to be able to keep working...