No feelings for my boyfriend (Borderline personality)

stolen_innocence · 24-02-2012, 07:49 PM

i am a sufferer of borderline pd and while i know a lot about it, something i want to learn about is....

when im withmy boyfriend, i have nice feelings (except after sex, i usually leave and hate) but when im not with him, it's like all my feelings cease to exsist. i cant feel any good for anyone. it's like my ability to love and care for another human has gone, like they dont exist. it makes it so difficult because twice this week it's happened and twice ive told him i dont love him anyone and dont want to be in a relationship. i keep it hanging on because 1, i dont want to be alone and we used to be best friends before this. my feelings usually change again and im overcome with love for him and its back on track. but its so on and off. i cant cope, neither can he. WHY do i do this? I want to know why and learn what it is.

BrightRed · 24-02-2012, 08:52 PM

Hi Stolen Innocence,

You're not alone with this.

I found an article on a website called BPD central, that might help you.

'Lack of Object Constancy

When we're lonely, most of us can soothe ourselves by remembering the love that others have for us. This is very comforting even if these people are far away-sometimes, even if they're no longer living. This ability is known as object constancy. Some people with BPD, however, find it difficult to evoke an image of a loved one to soothe them when they feel upset or anxious. If that person is not physically present, they don't exist on an emotional level. The BP may call you frequently just to make sure you're still there and still care about them. (One non-BP told us that every time her boyfriend called her at work, he introduced himself using both his first and last name.)'

Tolka Ya · 25-02-2012, 04:09 PM

Oh my goodness! I feel exactly the same way!! I am in a relationship with a guy who is really quite wonderful and I can't figure out why he sticks around. We've been together for five months now (my longest adult relationship, to be honest) and he's been so patient with me as I've worked through a lot of crap. (for instance - in the beginning I couldn't be touched without experiencing whole body, bone deep tremors. I couldn't kiss him without breaking away every couple seconds. I threw up before/during/after sex. Who puts up with that!?!?) I've never been with anyone who was willing to let me work through it all before. So it stands to reason that I would have some pretty strong feelings of love and appreciation for him, right? Logically I can see that he is pretty amazing. But - I don't feel anything. I want to. I try to. But I don't. I try to be supportive of him. He's been through some tough stuff, too. But lately I've been treating him pretty awful. Especially this last week. I know he deserves better. He needs someone who can love him back the way he loves me.

At any rate - I've been through a lot of DBT classes and all that. (honestly I've missed a lot of them. I get kicked out a lot.) I try to use the skills I've learned in them, though. From what I remember of the Interpersonal Effectiveness classes it seems there was a lot to do with how it is how hard to feel things towards people bc we've been hurt so much in the past and so its hard to trust and our brains are hard wired with thoughts for not trusting. If we want to feel we need to trust so we need to re-wire our brains by re-writing the scripts in our minds and challenging the cognitive distortions. Does that make any sense at all? (and this could just be my take on it) Sometimes its ourselves we don't trust and sometimes its others. (for instance I've made so many bad choices in guys in the past - gone out with people who I thought were "nice guys" only to have them be abusive @$$ holes that I don't trust myself to choose anymore and even with this guy I am just waiting for him to flip to jerk mode.) I don't know if this makes any sense or if it helps at all. If you want I have my notes from the class and can send you the list of "cognitive distortions" and "fifteen ways to untwist your thinking". They actually did help when I used them. Now that I'm thinking about them maybe I'll put them into practice again. I dunno. At any rate. I mostly just wanted to say I understand. You're not alone in this. Hang in there.