I'm not really sure what I want from this, I guess to know if there is anything I can do about it or whether they have a point and advice on how to cope with it.
I had an appointment with my social worker today and she started talking to me about how she, her boss, the psychologist from my STEPPS group course and the lead psychologist were having a meeting about me in two or three weeks to decide whether there is any point me being under their care if they cannot help me at the moment or whether I should be discharged. She said if I was discharged then I would be referred back to my GP and I could always use rethink and if I went into crisis or was in 'a more positive place' then the GP could refer me back to them.
I feel really awful. I know nothing is set in stone but she kept going on about how their restructuring means they have to be goal and recovery based and if people can't meet those goals then they have to consider whether the service has the resources to offer that person support or whether they would be better off just being referred back to the GP. At the same time three weeks ago she insisted I see my consultant psychiatrist (the appointment is tomorrow) because she thinks I am relapsing into Depression (my diagnosis is recurring Depression, Emotionally unstable pd- borderline type and traits of ocpd) and she was concerned about apparent 'illogical/paranoid thoughts' I've been having.
I thought I was making progress in the bigger picture, admittedly slowly. But I went back to uni part time in October and I do the occasional volunteering shift a couple of times a month and have nearly completed the STEPPS 20 week group course after two and a half years out of uni and work (well one failed attempt at going back to uni during that time). It is still ridiculously hard though, especially at the moment even with the support I have in place both at uni and from seeing my social worker and people keep suggesting I may be 'too ill' to be studying.
If I get discharged from all mental health services though then how will I ever get 'better'. I know nobody can make someone recover or fix their lives for them. I do generally do things to help myself though even if they are really hard for me. I also know that there is a danger of becoming dependant on support. I'm just really upset and confused I guess and I basically feel like they are writing me off as a hopeless case and I am terrified that I will never recover and go even further backwards. I don't really know what to do.
I discharged myself from mental health services Sept 2009 and was the safest I've ever been. I ended up getting referred back May 2010 and have gained something from being in contact with them since. I think we are bombarded with these messages that we 'need' help and services, but I think the difference is we need support, not necessarily mental health services and you can get support in a number of different ways. I can relate to feeling like you are being written off as a hopeless case but I don't think that is what they are saying. I still think you should make your views clear though.
Lovely, I'm so sorry this is happening, honestly, I would tell them you still need to be with the services, you are struggling, but yes, you are making progress at the same time, you're trying your hardest, this is crystal clear in my eyes, and it should be in theirs, too. Just because you're not recovered or recovering at a quicker pace doesn't mean you're not at all. You're clearly trying so very hard to work with the support & to try and get your life in a better place.
I would tell them exactly how you're feeling about this, and your concerns, maybe in a letter, be very clear and firm about this, I think you still need to have support in place, I don't understand why they'd discharge you for struggling, they're meant to be there for people who are struggling, not send them away.
You're motivated, you're trying, you have been doing things such as volunteering, going to your STEPPS group, going to uni again, you're working with them/have been working with them, you've been coopering, you've been doing all these things which are pro active, but you're also struggling and just, it's... it's bizare to me why they'd discharge you for struggling.
Thank you for the replies and hugs. I'm sorry I am only just replying to this now. I have finished STEPPS now and they were supposed to be having the meeting last week. My psychiatrist put me back on another anti depressant because she wanted to see whether if my mood lifted then my 'paranoid/strange' thoughts would stop. I'm really struggling to take them though. I am scared I will lose control if I take them and I am worried they have put me on them to try and make me conform to their 'normality' and stop me from working out the puzzle. I can't help but feel that once I do that then things will be fine. Except logically that does not even mean anything, people are not giving me nightmares to warn me or spying on me or trying to give me messages or control me. Logic says that is just not the case, but it sometimes feels it and logic does not stop the thoughts or the fear. I'm trying to rationalise that I have had these thoughts in the past when I have been especially low or stressed. But there are counter thoughts to that too.
Anyway....back on topic, sorry. They have moved the meeting back. I should now find out when I see my social worker a week Wednesday. I may be doing the follow up group to STEPPS but it depends if they decide to discharge me or not. They are also getting a psychotherapist to go to this meeting now as well. I'm not sure why my psychiatrist is not involved. It seems weird to me that a psychologist and a psychotherapist I have never even met, alongside the new CMHT boss (who was my HTT worker for a few weeks a year ago) can make a decision on the future of my treatment, even if one of the STEPPS group psychologists and my social worker are there. I don't know if it is this meeting or maybe having to move in a couple of months or just coincidence but I'm finding things really difficult. Getting out of bed seems almost impossible, let alone showering or making food for myself or taking care of my flat. I am trying to make myself go to my weekly games night but it not only seems like a stupid amount of effort but I just have no interest in it. I am still trying to do things, I did a short volunteering shift on Sunday and saw my Grandma for half an hour today. It is all so exhausting though.
I'm worried about talking to my social worker in case she thinks it is all something to do with my BPD and I don't think it is or in case she says it is because the thoughts are right about them trying to control me. I feel really alone and pathetic with everything though. I don't want to tell her I've had an increase in suicidal thoughts because again, I don't want them to think I am just saying that to manipulate them into continuing to 'help' me and also, if I am not going to follow through then what is the point in telling them? And again....if I definitely decided to then why would I tell them?
Sorry for the incoherant rambling. I guess I just want to talk to people and doing so fairly 'anonymously' i.e online seemed the safest option.
Oh, also I have decided to stop taking the AD's for the next couple of weeks. *sensible/rational head on* I need to get an essay done, I have already had an extension and I may need to request another one. The meds are making the thoughts and 'noise' worse and after this essay I pretty much break up for easter and have no more work until my exams in May. I figured it may be better to try them after the essay is done.
Except I feel too crap to even start to do the reading for the essay so I'm not really sure how to get round that and then the more 'dangerous' thoughts pop in and I ignore them and then my head just turns into a massive blur of static noise.
I just wanted to explain about the meds before someone told me it was my choice/responsibility to take them.
em is it really wise not to take ur meds to do this essay maybe the meds will help u concentrate.. hugs i hope watever they decide to so re ur care is the right decision do u know wat u want to happen. sorry its not a great response
Thanks for the reply Cheryl. I ended up phoning my social worker Wednesday (yesterday). She suggested I was pushing myself and/or the Uni to see how far it would go before I or they broke And decided enough was enough. I disagree and told her basically 'I am not that bpd S'. Her response was that maybe I did not realise I was doing it. Possibly a fair point although my instinct said no. So I asked two friends, one who has bpd herself and another who has no mental health issues as well as a friend who is a psychologist. They all quite strongly disagreed. Now I am not sure what to think or do. If I get discharged next week then surely it is kind of irrelevant anyway. I just feel like nobody is hearing me I guess. Nobody can figure out why my diagnosis is bpd because I don't meet enough icd or dsm traits and thAt again is further alienating me. I just feel like a freak.
