Who to reach out to?

[one_step_closer]

There's so much going through my head and I feel like I need to tell someone but I don't know who to turn to. The only time I get to share how i'm feeling is once a fortnight when I see my psychologist but I don't feel like I get anything much from my appointments. It's hard to hold everything inside for two weeks. I see my OT once a fortnight too but I don't tell her much because she focuses more on getting me out and about. I'm allowed to email my psychologist as long as I don't threaten suicide but the last time I emailed her I worded the email very carefully but she still thought I was threatening suicide and was annoyed and I don't want to go through that again.

I could phone the voluntary crisis team but they are quite judgemental and see BPD as a behaviour problem so believe that I can control my actions and am choosing to behave badly. I also don't think they believe that I have men in my head. They have never helped me anyway, they usually just tell me to watch TV or go online, and because i've been too scared to contact them they'll say that i've obviously been doing fine.

I don't find helplines much use either because most of the time there is silence when I have finished talking because the person doesn't know what to say or they just repeat what I have said.

If I phone NHS 24 they might get an out of hours GP to see me but all they do is give me some medication to try and make me less agitated and I don't need that right now.

I don't want to go to A&E to talk to someone from the psychiatric assessment team because the last time I went I didn't even get to speak to someone. The person came and told me that I would not be admitted to hospital and that I should go home and stop wasting their time. I only wanted someone to listen to me.

Since I have been diagnosed with BPD people have been very judegemental towards me and act as if they couldn't care less and I don't deserve any support. I have been told that I am playing the system and that I am manipulative and attention seeking. What people think of me affects me a lot so i'm reluctant to reach out to anyone for fear what what they might think about me. I just want someone to care and to help me work through my emotional pain. Can anyone think of anyone else I might be able to contact or something that I could do to make things easier? I wish I could dissociate on demand.

[Poppet6]

Sorry you are feeling so ignored.

BPD is a recognised mental illness and therefore should you be treated exactly the same as someone with BiPolar or Scizophrenia for example.

They should understand that you can't help behaving the way you do, if you felt fine why would you do it?

Never feel worried about calling the crisis team, that's for they are there for, stand your ground with them, don't let them fob you off.

[whirlpools]

Have you tried all the helplines? I know I don't much like calling my local HTT (you have to be 'under' them anyway, and it's only for two weeks) but they're not that bad. However, we have a crisis line that runs across a lot of North Yorkshire and I find them very supportive... I never tell them I have BPD and they never ask. Maybe it's worth trying a different helpline, like Saneline or something.

You could also perhaps e-mail the Samaritans, they're used to people struggling with suicidal thoughts. It can help just to write it out.

Maybe it would be worth talking with your psychologist about the e-mail arrangement, and think with her about what constitutes suicide threats and just where the boundaries are so that you feel more confident about reaching out to her.

Do you have a CPA coming up any time soon? If not, as far as I'm aware you can ask for one to be arranged at any time. It might be worth getting a new care plan written up that you're in the driving seat for, which outlines what you find difficult in reaching out for crisis support and what might help.

Remember that there is always RYL and the Supporters too.

I'm sorry you're not feeling helped by services and are feeling judged; it shouldn't be like that but so often is, especially when someone is diagnosed with BPD. I wish it was respected and appreciated that often people with BPD are doing the absolute best they can to manage continually turbulent and distressing emotions.

[Lotti]

I am so sorry you dont feel you have enough support around you, but its fantastic you are recognising you need more help and are trying to get the help you need so greatly.

Its difficult to find the right support for you, because everyone responds differently to different treatments.

I have experience first hand of BPD (not me, but an ex) and so I understand how difficult it can be to suffer with it and also for the other person trying to help and support someone on BPD.

My advice is to find a peer support group where you can chat with others who have the same, and hopefully that can help you with this feeling of being ignored and unfulfilled with your appointments.

It cant be easy for you and im sorry you are feeling the way you are :( I hope you do find comfort here too. Big hugs xxx