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Contains Suicide - Regression- SI
Hey,
It's been a while since I've been around. I kinda went downhill a couple months ago and ended up in the ER, then I was sent to the local Psych ward for 2 weeks, went home for a month, and ended up back there for another 2 weeks. I've been out for a while now, but it's been rough. and sometimes I wonder if they ever should have let me out. I haven't cut in a while, but more and more and more I want it. I've never stopped wanting it or thinking about it, I've just had motivation to resist. But now ****'s hitting the fan again and I feel like I'm losing it again. I want to cut so bad, I don't even care. I have no concern for what other people think about my cutting. The one and only reason I'm not cutting again is because I want a baby more than anything. My husband will never agree to having a baby if he knows I'm still cutting. But I just long for the release it gives me. The confort I feel. The control I feel. I just feel so lost right now.
I've always had a history of depression and anxiety.. but no one had ever taken the time to really evaluate me and help me, they just threw pills at me. Well this time I came back from the Psych ward with answers. I have Major Depressive Disorder (which I knew) as well as Borderline Personality Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (different from OCD). It's hard to wrap my head around, but at least I know now, it makes it a little easier to try and fix my problems and understand myself. Anyways. I've been in counseling since my inpatient visits and started talking about things I've never ever talked about before. It's very difficult to bring up the past. I want to leave it there. So on top of feeling vulnerable and irritable from talking about my past and letting someone know such intimate details, I'm finding more out about **** that's happening right now. And I'm so angry. I was finally starting to work through and accept the old crap,beginning to want to live again. now I just got more dumped on me. Another way for someone to hurt me. I'm just so overwhelmed with everything happening and I don't know how to deal with it. I just want to cut. I miss it. I'm sad without it. All I do is stare at my scars and feel them, wishing I could make more. I know it sounds sick, but I just can't think of much else.
I'm sorry. I just ranted and it didn't even make sense probably.
I still don't feel good. I feel like I could talk about this **** all day and never get enough out. NEver spend enough energy to settle down. Only cutting will feel the way I want it to. gah.
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